The following is satirical.
Officials around the country are devising new plans to deal with the Chi-Com Flu. In New York City, Mayor Vladimir de Blasio has announced that, in order to halt the spread of the virus, he will from now on dress in a bright red military uniform with tremendous epaulettes decorated with a braided gold fringe.
De Blasio, or Generalissimo as he’ll now be known, will proceed to march back and forth on the balcony of Gracie Mansion, shouting commands at New Yorkers to remain indoors until everyone realizes that it is he who should be president and not someone else without a bright red uniform and golden epaulettes and who is not named de Blasio.
In California, Governor Gavin Newsom is dealing with the virus by grinning in a genuinely weird and sort of scary way that seems totally unrelated to the meaningless but high-sounding phrases coming out of his mouth.
After that, he plans to order California neighbors to spy on one another to make sure no one is taking more walks than he’s supposed to. He’ll also order police helicopters to fly overhead for no apparent reason in order to create a sense of futuristic paranoia and oppression.
Baltimore Mayor Jack Young has asked city residents to stop shooting each other in order to free up hospital beds for people with the virus. Baltimorans hope these restrictions will be lifted quickly so as not to harm the city’s economy, which mostly revolves around bullets.
The news media is also chipping in by screaming inflated disease numbers completely out of context and describing worst case scenarios as if they were inevitable while staring into cameras with wide-eyed, fear-haunted faces, before moving on to recount individual agonizing deaths from the virus hoping they will serve an example of how to irresponsibly spread unnecessary terror.
And of course, governors, mayors and the news media will all continue working together to blame Donald Trump for whatever happens next.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: Flu Side Effects Include Shrinking Reporters And Forgotten Democrat Candidates