The following is satirical.
During this historic impeachment trial, it’s important not to just pretend you’re paying attention. You’ve got to pretend you’re paying attention and really sound like you know what you’re talking about. Because if you just pretend to pay attention and sound stupid, people will think you work for CNN. And God knows you don’t want that.
To help out, I’d like to answer some of your impeachment questions.
The first question comes from Shiv, who is currently doing 5 to 10 in San Quentin for forcing a minor to watch &#8220;The Last Airbender.&#8221;
Shiv asks: “Who is Adam Schiff and why does he look like that?”
Adam Schiff is a California Congressman who was appointed chairman of the House Intelligence Committee after an all-night drinking party during which someone suggested putting Adam Schiff and the word intelligence in the same sentence would be really funny. He looks like he looks because he has been hollowed out by corruption and is beginning to collapse inward like the mummy at the end of that Brendan Fraser movie, except without the hot babe tied to the table, which was my favorite part, for reasons I don’t fully understand.
Another question comes from Candy, who can usually be found hanging out at Cheetah’s Lounge on Hollywood Boulevard.
Candy asks: “Will Donald Trump be removed from office and, if so, will I lose my job and have to start hooking again.”
Well, Candy, it’s unlikely Trump will be removed from office. But if he is, yes, you will be out of work, and I hope you still have my number.
Finally, a question from Thanos, though not the Marvel Comics supervillain; the other Thanos, who asks: “Why was Chief Justice John Roberts using his eyebrows to send a Morse Code message saying, ‘Please, Lord, make this stop?’”
That was just a little joke the Chief Justice likes to play whenever he finds his life dwindling away in an utterly meaningless waste of public time and money. It always gets a big laugh at the Supreme Court.
Related: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/watch-ted-cruz-sums-up-first-day-of-impeachment-trial-with-old-saying-offers-prediction">WATCH: Ted Cruz Sums Up First Day Of Impeachment Trial With ‘Old Saying,’ Offers Prediction</a>

Adam Schiff

All Your Impeachment Questions Answered [Satire]

Impeachment

Satire

The following is satirical.
The New York Times, a former newspaper, has endorsed two female Democrats for president. In an endorsement entitled, “Deedlee-dee- dee-dee Two Ladies,” the Times endorsed both Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar, saying it was simply too much newspaper for one woman and didn’t want to restrict its passions to conform to outmoded ideas of fidelity.
The endorsement, written by Times Editor-in-Chief Blithering Prevarication the Third, says in part, “It’s not that we don’t love you, Amy, but a newspaper has needs, and there are times when it’s just natural for us to yearn for a certain amount of variety.  Sometimes, even when we’re with you, the thought of Elizabeth comes into our heads all unbidden and we ask ourselves: Why should we fight our desires like some uptight backwoods yokel when we’re all sophisticated adults who understand that these sorts of things happen even among the happiest couples?”
Mr. Third continued, “In the end, we found it impossible to decide between Amy’s Mean Mommy appeal that always makes us wish she would send us to our room, and Elizabeth’s Naughty Native American Librarian come-on that makes it hard to tell the difference between Cupid’s arrow and an Apache weapon of war.”
The Times conjectured that the two women probably had political differences as well. They called Klobuchar the realist model and Warren the radical model and wrote, “We just can’t decide whether we want to be seduced into socialist slavery like someone following the scent of an enticing perfume and the mesmerizing clockwork of a lady’s walk, or whether we want to be dragged off to pure Communism like that time we visited a dungeon and were hung upside down by leather straps and thrashed deliciously — but perhaps that’s too much information.”
Though some journalistic observers scorned the historic double endorsement, the Times editorial board defended their decision in a statement saying, “We’re dithering idiots who know even less about policy than we do about American history, so that explains it.”
Related: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/warren-refuses-to-answer-any-more-questions-about-sanders-being-sexist-after-earlier-claim-backfires">Warren Refuses To Answer Any More Questions About Sanders Being Sexist After Earlier Claim Backfires</a>

Heart Shape

New York Times Says It’s Too Much Newspaper For Just One Woman [Satire]

Amy Klobuchar

Elizabeth Warren

New York Times

The following is satirical.
Democrats are concerned the public is not paying attention to the Senate trial of Donald Trump on charges he did some damn thing or other while he was talking on the phone to the president of somewhere about the fact that the Democrat frontrunner is utterly corrupt.
Democrats fear people may not watch the trial because they’re too busy with their new high-paying jobs or their soaring investment portfolios or spending time with family members who aren’t going to war because all our enemies are afraid of us.
And of course, if the public doesn’t pay attention, they won’t understand what an emergency it is that Trump did whatever the hell he’s supposed to have done in between solving all the nation’s problems.
So to insure the public finds the proceedings as gripping and urgent as Democrats are pretending to, Democrat leaders are discussing ways to make the trial as entertaining as other Democrat shows, like those Hollywood award ceremonies where millionaire movie stars tell us how stupid we are or those library story hours where people with sexual disorders try to corrupt our children.
For instance, they began the trial with a solemn procession from the House of Representatives to the Senate, but this went awry when people demanded Nancy Pelosi take off her clothes so they could throw vegetables at her and shout “Shame!” like in Game of Thrones.
Now, trying to strike a lighter mood, Democrats have composed an upbeat impeachment theme song with the rousing opening lyrics:
<blockquote>&#8220;The Economy’s great!
And Foreign Policy’s swell!
So we’re charging the president with something something something.”</blockquote>
Democrats say they hope they can get the lyrics to rhyme in time for the next session.
Other Impeachment Show ideas being floated by the Democrats include having the House managers played by beloved actors like Alec Baldwin and Robert De Niro, and calling everyone who isn’t paying attention a racist for some reason.
Democrats hope these time-tested techniques will turn Impeachment into a kind of successful reality show, like, say, The Apprentice.
&nbsp;

Chuck Schumer

Democrats Fear Public Won’t Take Absurd Impeachment Trial Seriously [Satire]

One evening this week, I was rereading Lord Byron’s great poem “Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage,” and came upon a startlingly accurate description of Cancel Culture. Writing in the early 1800s, Byron describes a civilization that has ceased to search for truth but weighs everything in “custom’s falsest scale”:
<blockquote>“Opinion an omnipotence, whose veil
Mantles the earth with darkness, until right
And wrong are accidents, and men grow pale
Lest their own judgments should become too bright,
And their free thoughts be crimes, and earth have too much light.”</blockquote>
Now, yes, I know I can’t enlist Byron — who used to refer to the more conservative William Wordsworth as ‘Turdsworth’ — as a spokesman for conservatism. But in this moment when the left insists that all disagreement with their orthodoxies equals bigotry and evil, when speaking simple truths like “a man is not a woman” can cost you your reputation or your job, who can fail to recognize a world in which “men grow pale lest their own judgments should become too bright and their free thoughts be crimes”?
This week alone, the left renewed its attempts to vilify the Oscar-nominated film Joker as somehow racist, which it’s not. When a Bible that was used to swear in commanders of the new Space Force was blessed in a ceremony at Washington National Cathedral, an anti-religious group called the blessing a “shocking and repulsive display of only the most vile, exclusivist, fundamentalist Christian supremacy, dominance, triumphalism and exceptionalism.” Even Stephen King, one of our great storytellers and a reliable anti-Trump leftist, was attacked when he said he would “never consider diversity in matters of art” but would only judge it by its quality.
These attacks are relentless and can often be costly. Writer Chadwick Moore, a gay former liberal, says he has been repeatedly banned from Facebook for not towing the homo-leftist line. His latest thirty day expulsion was for posting an article he wrote entitled “Rednecks Are the Least Racist People in America,” based on his own experiences bolstered by research by Thomas Sowell and historian Colin Woodard.
And much worse. In Australia, a young gay conservative who protested Drag Queen Story Hour at a library in Brisbane, committed suicide after being viciously defamed by the so-called LGBTQ Community.
Conservatives tend to treat the fight against such leftist bullying as a side skirmish compared to such major battles as who wins the 12th district in Ohio. They may roll their eyes and tweet their tweets — but at the same time, they teach themselves to watch their words lest they lose their social media platforms or their sponsors or their jobs.
Which, of course, is the whole point. In order to funnel power away from the individual and into the central government, the left is selling a utopian fantasy based on utterly false ideas of human nature and human enterprise. The greatest danger to that fantasy is any expression of the simple truth. Silencing that expression is what political correctness and Cancel Culture are for.
And any conservative who thinks the political fight to save the country from leftism can be won without confronting those devices is an idiot. The fight against Cancel Culture is not a side skirmish. It’s not even a major battle. It’s the war.
In the first two weeks of this year, President Trump eradicated a major terrorist, faced down the evil regime in Iran, made a new trade deal with China and had the new NAFTA-style deal ratified in a bi-partisan vote — all while the economy soared to new heights and low- and middle- class workers of all races saw their wages finally begin to rise. Indeed, lower income households have seen their net worth increase by 47 percent since the president took office.
And yet, the RealClear Politics polling average has Trump’s approval rating at 44.3 percent. About half the people want to see him impeached and removed from office.
Well, why not? Trump is himself the victim-in-chief of Cancel Culture. He is repeatedly and relentlessly portrayed as racist, sexist and otherwise phobic by a news media that gives him 93% negative coverage, according to the Media Research Center. The stone lie that he said there were “very fine people” among white supremacists continues to be shamelessly repeated — this week by the New York Times’ Charles Blow. And Democrat candidate after candidate declares the American economy serves only the rich, unchallenged by their poodle press.
If we cave in to leftist bullying, if the relentless political correctness of social media and the press goes unchallenged and Cancel Culture thrives because “men grow pale lest their own judgments should become too bright, and their free thoughts be crimes,” then the American public will ultimately follow a leftist fantasy straight into leftist reality, which is another name for hell.

cancel.jpg

KLAVAN: The Culture War Is The War

Leftism

Political Correctness

Progressivism

The following is satirical.
It’s time to say a fond farewell to Corey Booker, who has suspended his presidential campaign in order to spend more time with his gladiator movies.
Senator Booker got the word that he was not going to be president after the word passed through the mind of every single citizen of the United States, made a transit through first Western and then Eastern Europe, moved across the Dardanelles into Asia, then down to Australia , from which it spread throughout the Middle East to the continent of Africa, then made its way across the Atlantic to South then Central America, finally coming up through Mexico and on to Iowa where it was received by Corey Booker, who was completely shocked to hear the news.
Political analysts say that Booker’s campaign may have failed because the public was confused about his persona. For instance, as a dynamic young black man, Booker hoped to remind voters of Barack Obama, but the voters were never sure whether he was Obama the charming and eloquent politician, or Obama the jerk who killed the economy and screwed up the Middle East.
Booker hoped to present himself as heroic by declaring that he was Spartacus, but voters just assumed he enjoyed running around bare-chested while wearing a short leather skirt. And Booker thought he could win attention by repeatedly declaring that he was the man for this moral moment, but it turned out that just made him sound like an annoying pain in the ass.
Finally, Booker thought that he could run on his record as mayor of Newark, New Jersey, where he improved education with charter schools, but that turns out to violate the Democrat platform created by teachers unions, so voters felt they would prefer to vote for an 80-year-old Communist who at least makes them laugh.
On the positive side, Booker has always made a point of living with his constituents in inner-city, low-income neighborhoods, so at least he won’t have to do crap like that anymore.

Gladiators

Booker Suspends Campaign To Spend More Time With His Gladiator Movies [Satire]

Cory Booker

The following is satirical.
Democrats and journalists — but I repeat myself — are furiously accusing the Trump administration of giving conflicting explanations for the killing of terrorist leader Qassem Soleimani.
Pencil-necked McCarthyite Adam Schiff went on &#8220;Meet the Press&#8221; with NBC anchorman Chuck Credulous, and actually managed to keep a straight face as he said, “Administration officials keep changing their tune. First they said they killed Soleimani because he was going to kill Americans, then they said it was because he was going to bomb American embassies, then they said it was because he was going to launch terrorist attacks against Americans. Well, which is it? After all, we can’t rest easy knowing this violent, psychopathic murderer of our countrymen may have been harmed unjustly.”
In an op-ed in The New York Times, a former newspaper, Editor-in-Chief Blithering Prevarication the Third wrote, “The State Department said Soleimani planned imminent attacks, but given their deplorable English pronunciation, it was impossible to tell whether they meant i-m-m-a-n-e-n-t and thus the attack was indwelling and inherent, or whether they meant it was an eminent attack being ‘high in station, rank or repute,’ or whether they actually were trying to imply that Mr. Soleimani was planning to attack us in the near future, which of course would be an entirely different spelling than the others. These are the things that should be keeping America up at night not trifling matters like whether Donald Trump avenged the deaths and saved the lives of our fellow Americans.”
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi told a mannequin in a department store she’d been lost in since last Wednesday, “I have said many times that all roads lead back to Russia, but now it seems they actually all lead to the ladies lingerie department, and if someone doesn’t get me out of here soon, I may starve to death.”
Pelosi then wandered off to the cosmetics department where she discovered a new color of lipstick to put on her forehead.
Related: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/kevin-mccarthy-backs-house-dems-into-corner-will-introduce-resolution-supporting-iranian-protestors">Kevin McCarthy Backs House Dems Into Corner, Will Introduce Resolution Supporting Iranian Protestors</a>

Iran Propaganda

Democrats Demand To Know Why Trump Killed Terrorist Who Was Murdering Americans [Satire]

Nancy Pelosi

The following is satirical.
Marianne Williamson has suspended her campaign for president, saying she wants to spend more time with her cats and imaginary friends.  The lovable Hollywood self-help guru said her presidential run foundered when it turned out there were not as many crazy people in America as there seemed to be when she was sitting around watching TV news.
In remarks made to a band of angels coming for to carry her home, Williamson said, “When I watched NBC or CNN, I saw commentators so entirely detached from reality I thought to myself, ‘Wow, if I could bring all those delusional people together, I could really win this thing.’ But it turned out, once you turn off the television, there actually is such a thing as reality, in which I never stood a chance.”
During her campaign, Williamson declared Donald Trump had unleashed a “dark psychic force” on the nation which she would cast out with the power of love. But on further study, she discovered that what had appeared to her to be a dark psychic force was actually a booming economy and what she had thought was the power of love was just a string of meaningless words coming out of her mouth.
Among Williamson’s policy proposals was a plan to distribute between 200 and 500 billion dollars in reparations for slavery. In the event she could not actually summon the spirit of slaves back from the dead with a Ouija board, Williamson promised to simply bury the money in the ground where it would do more good than just giving it to living people for no discernible reason.
One of the highlights of Williamson’s campaign was the time she was caught on a hot mic expressing surprise at the fact that, though she was a leftie, conservatives were nice to her whereas left-wingers were vicious and lied about her all the time and actually seemed as godless as the right said they were.
But after that moment of lucidity, she slipped back into her fantasy world, also known as California.
Related: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/wellness-queen-marianne-williamson-officially-drops-out-of-2020-race-she-will-be-sorely-missed">Wellness Queen Marianne Williamson Officially Drops Out Of 2020 Race. She Will Be Sorely Missed.</a>

Marianne Williamson and Gwyneth Paltrow

Williamson Suspends Campaign To Spend More Time With Her Cats [Satire]

Gwyneth Paltrow

Marianne Williamson

In reality, the Trump presidency has been such a spectacular success that, if things continue this way, the only question that will come before the voters in November is: Do Americans actually live in reality?
The economy is now doing so well that even President the Donald can’t exaggerate about how good it is. New trade deals with our allies and – upcoming this week if all goes well, with China – have vindicated Trump’s nervous-making style of negotiation. Without any help whatsoever from the body formerly known as Congress, the administration has brought down illegal immigration and, after a victory this week in the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals, may receive new billions for the border wall.
And, of course, also this week, POTUS delivered a stunning blow to one of the world’s worst actors, Iran. Not only did he successfully order the killing of two of their top terrorists but, when the Iranians responded with a face-saving kabuki of vengeance, he behaved judiciously and wisely. After eight years of an Obama foreign policy that left the Middle East in flames and the terrorist cause ascendant, Trump may finally be bringing the region to the point where we can reduce our presence there – which is clearly what he wants to do.
If he keeps this up, Trump – this deeply flawed American original – may become one of our greatest presidents.
But again, that’s only in reality. And, of course, a vast corporate power, with an interest in preventing its power from falling into the hands of the deplorable American people, has dedicated itself to creating an alternative universe of the imagination in which everything is going oh, so wrong. Corporate news networks, social media, and entertainment are working around the clock to create a fantastical landscape in which Trump’s peccadilloes are mortal sins and his successes are catastrophes.
It would be too wearying to rehearse the shameful anti-American drivel with which our corporate journalists tried to elevate the blood-soaked monster-man Qasem Soleimani to hero status this week or the dithering absurdity with which they reported the Iranian terrorists’ point of view as if it were on the same moral plane as our own. Suffice it to say that if the Constitution weren’t printed in miniature on every individual cell of my body – if my all-American soul were not the living fractal of the First Amendment that it is – I would have the lot of them horsewhipped, tarred, feathered, and hurled into the nearest river where they belong.
So the question is: are they succeeding in smothering our minds beneath their fantasies? Is the Empire of Lies prevailing or have The Daily Wire and other information revolutionaries made inroads on the vast territories of the nation’s understanding?
The news from the front is worrying. A survey by the non-partisan information group Just Facts shows that fake news has its effects. The survey asked people questions about quantifiable facts concerning public policy: who pays most taxes, how much does the government spend, where does our education system rank worldwide, what’s the truth about global warming, and so on.
Taken on average, most people got the answers wrong. The most right answers – 46 percent and 43 percent respectively – came from Trump voters and men. The fewest right answers – 32 percent and 36 percent – came from Democrats and women. Being both a man and a Trump voter, I would happily gloat, but being right under 50 percent of the time is not exactly a triumph.
And I would be delighted to blame the Democrat hacks who lie with straight faces from behind their network news desks. But I can’t help but wonder: are American voters dedicated to reality? Can we, to coin a phrase, handle the truth? Or are we so safe, so spoiled, that we would rather feel virtuous than do the hard work of knowing the world as it is?
What I found so bracing about Ricky Gervais’s viral takedown of the self-congratulating Hollywood bloviators at the Golden Globe Awards this week was his simple statements describing the reality of their moral condition. They work for slave drivers. They cover up for sex abusers. They are ill-educated make-believers who have no business preaching to the public. And yet, that didn’t stop many of them from standing at the awards podium and using their considerable genetic advantages and performative skills to push the atrocity of abortion, or their kneejerk hatred of the president, or their childish hysteria about the climate.
So who are we going to believe in November? Them or our lying eyes?
Professional knucklehead Alexandria Ocasio Cortez once said, “There&#8217;s a lot of people more concerned about being precisely, factually, and semantically correct than about being morally right.&#8220;
Man, I hope she’s right about that. It’s never happened before, but I hope this time she’s right.

Vote sign.

KLAVAN: 2020’s Big Question: Will Americans Choose Reality?

2020 Election

Donald Trump

The following is satirical.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has announced he now has enough votes to set the rules for an impeachment trial. As those of you without anything more important to do may remember, House Democrats impeached President Donald Trump for some damn thing or other then <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/watch-pelosi-starts-impeachment-debate-by-reminding-everyone-how-to-say-pledge-of-allegiance-stresses-one-key-word">said the pledge of allegiance</a> and made speeches about how urgent everything was and finally went home for the holidays and put the whole thing out of their minds because, really, who cares?
The Democrats have since refused to send the articles of impeachment to the Senate for trial because they’re just too embarrassed, but McConnell says if they ever get around to whatever it is they’re up to instead of governing, he’ll be ready with rules.
The rules for the trial will include:
When the articles of impeachment are first introduced, there will be no laughing at the fact that they don’t even charge Trump with any crimes, although some smirking will be tolerated and senior Republicans will be permitted to roll their eyes and snort quietly.
Every time someone says the word Ukraine, lawmakers will drink a shot of whiskey until they either pass out or start to talk like Joe Biden, whichever comes first.
If Democrat Senators declare that any of this nonsense represents some sort of Constitutional crisis, Republican Senators will not be permitted to grab their crotches and shout “Constitutional crisis this!” although if they drop their trousers and moon the Democrats, Chief Justice John Roberts will pretend he didn’t see it and move on.
Before voting to acquit Trump, Senators will be required to pretend to have taken the whole process seriously either by scratching their chins and nodding in a thoughtful manner, or by saying, “I take this seriously,” or “This is very serious,” or any other similar phrase they can manage to get through without laughing.
After the acquittal, Democrats will be forced to run through the Republicans’ legs while being hit with paddles.
And finally, whenever Democrats start droning on about something during the trial, Republicans will take the opportunity to confirm more federal judges.
Related: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/report-nancy-pelosi-got-the-idea-to-withhold-impeachment-articles-from-cnn">Report: Nancy Pelosi Got The Idea To Withhold Impeachment Articles From CNN</a>

Senators Address The Media After Weekly Policy Luncheons

McConnell Delighted To Set Fun Rules For Hilarious Impeachment Trial [Satire]

Mitch McConnell

The following is satirical.
An inch of snow fell on Washington DC yesterday and the entire government shut down. Scientists have since been working around the clock to see if they can get the phenomenon to repeat itself.
The scientists have calculated that each inch of snow per day will save Americans approximately 13-billion dollars in federal spending, and if they can create an inch of snow per day for the entire year, American citizens may finally achieve the founders’ dream of becoming a free people. Unfortunately, if the experiment is unsuccessful, it’ll just be the same old crap.
At the Pentagon, Generals were just sitting down to discuss an Iranian missile strike against American troops in Iraq when the inch of snow started falling, whereupon the joint chiefs rushed outdoors and began trying to catch the snowflakes on their tongues and build snowmen before gathering by the fireside over a hot cup of cocoa to order the sinking of the entire Iranian Navy, followed by a sleigh ride and a snowball fight.
In the House of Representatives, the snowfall found Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats meeting to discuss impeachment, which they say is an urgent matter because President Trump has threatened the very future of Constitutional governance by doing whatever the hell he was supposed to have done according to witnesses who heard that other witnesses may have said yet another group of witnesses might have whispered something to Congressman Adam Schiff who swore it was really, really bad and why would he lie?
With the fate of the republic at stake, the Democrats wanted to rush the impeachment process to the Senate but that dang inch of snow started falling so instead they all gathered at the window to gaze wistfully at the wintry scene and reminisce about the good old days before the voters found out they were Communists.
In the Senate, everyone went home when the snow began to fall except for Mitch McConnell, who hung around to confirm 726 new federal judges.

Capitol Hill

Nation Sings ‘Let It Snow!’ As One Inch Flurry Shuts Down Government

Iran

Washington D.C.

The following is satirical.
As the caucuses in Iowa approach, Democrat presidential candidates are seizing on the trouble in Iran to turn their attention to foreign policy. Joe Biden is touting his experience in the Obama administration of drawing red lines that were completely ignored, allowing ISIS to take over an area the size of Ohio, delivering pallets of cash that Iran could use for terrorist purposes and creating a failed state in Libya then abandoning our compound in Benghazi so Americans could be killed. When a reporter mentioned that such a record of continuous disaster might not sway Iowa voters in his favor, Biden replied, “Iowa? I thought I was in New Hampshire. And where are my teeth?”
Biden did go on to remind reporters that he was Vice President when Obama ordered the killing of bin Laden and though he did oppose that raid, he later corrected his mistake by lying about it and pretending it never happened.
Elizabeth Warren said she was qualified to deal with foreign policy because of her experience leading retaliatory horseback raids against the U.S. Cavalry after their mistreatment of her people the Lakota in the movie Dances with Wolves. Warren says she remembers riding her palomino through the heavy rifle fire and while that may not have actually happened to her specifically, she says that any palomino is a pal o’ mine-o. Senator Warren was then escorted back to the facility in time for her medication.
Bernie Sanders is telling people that he’s the best man for the foreign policy job. He says even though he chose the losing side in the Cold War, next time Communism is going to really, really work just wait and see. Sanders also listed the many accomplishments of his nearly thirty years in congress, like naming a post office after Thorstein Veblen and talking utter nonsense in a thick New York accent without getting kicked out on his ear.
As for Hillary Clinton, she says she’s already doing a great job in the perfect presidency of her imagination.
Related: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/report-bernie-sanders-will-use-private-jets-to-ferry-him-out-to-campaign-events-during-senate-impeachment-trial">Bernie Sanders Will Use Private Jets To Ferry Him Out To Campaign Events During Senate Impeachment Trial</a>

Warren and Biden.

Democrat Candidates Try To Discuss Their Foreign Policy Ideas Without Laughing [Satire]

Democratic Party

The following is satirical.
Democrats are calling for a day of mourning for Qassem Soleimani, the man who was called Iran’s “most revered military leader,” by The Washington Post, where Democracy Dies in Darkness if they have anything to say about it.
Soleimani, who was Iran’s most revered military leader because he was responsible for the deaths of hundreds of American soldiers, was in the midst of plotting more such deaths when he himself died under mysterious circumstances, namely a missile decorated with the words, “Dear Qassem, Here’s a missile in your ear from your friends in America. Love, President Trump, and all my fellow Americans, except Democrats and The Washington Post.”
Soon afterward, Soleimani woke up in Paradise surrounded by virgins, although it was a lot hotter than he thought it was going to be and the virgins were large, muscular men with tattoos that said things like, “Welcome to hell, my new be-yotch!’
Crowds gathered to mourn Soleimani in Tehran yesterday, and then rushed home in order to continue campaigning in Iowa.
Bernie Sanders responded to Soleimani’s death by saying, “Of course he was a terrorist, but who could forget his sparkling eyes, his charming smile, and that laugh that wrinkled his nose just before he slaughtered my countrymen.”
Democrat Senate Leader Chuck Schumer wept copiously as he issued a statement to the painting in his basement of sad-eyed clowns holding puppies. Schumer sobbed, “If only the president had informed me of his decision to launch this strike, all this sorrow could have been avoided.”
At universities around the country, students poured out of their Transgender Theory classes to protest the U.S. War in Iran. They were led by Congresswoman Alexandria Occasional Cortex who told the crowd, “We cannot defeat terrorists by killing them. Only when we stand by and do nothing will they realize they can never win.”
When the students were informed that there actually was no war with Iran, they returned to their dorms and continued smoking dope and watching porn.
Related: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/watch-two-anti-radical-islam-women-slam-critics-of-trumps-airstrike-on-soleimani">WATCH: Two Anti-Radical Islam Women Slam Critics Of Trump’s Airstrike On Soleimani</a>

Terrorist Killed, Democrats Hardest Hit [Satire]

Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps

Qassem Soleimani

After a long lifetime of following the news, I can’t help being struck by how good it all is. Stock market soaring, jobs abundant, shoppers with money to spend. The Saturday before Christmas was the country’s best retail day ever, as in ever. And, while journalists and other Democrats continually predict disaster overseas, the ISIS caliphate has been erased, terrorists are being blown up, and trade deals are being made without a major war or depression in sight.
Sure, there are the usual crises, tragedies, and long-term problems in the offing – we ain’t in heaven yet. Still, here in this corner of the earth, life seems unusually good.
And not just here either. In a much-noticed article in the British Spectator, Matt Ridley declared the 2010’s the best decade in human history. Twenty-eight percent of all the wealth ever created was created in the last ten years. Extreme poverty around the world was halved. Child mortality was reduced by a third. Life expectancy went up. Use of resources went down. The number of free countries: up. The number of deaths from pollution and weather: down. In the immortal words of Titothe Cat: If this is torture, chain me to the wall.
But while all this good news managed to break through during the slow Christmas season, don’t count on seeing too much of it. The old expression “If it bleed, it leads” is not just journalistic cynicism, it’s a response to human nature. Because good news is temporary, but death is permanent, we’ve evolved to pay close attention to threats and danger.
The science guys call this “negativity bias.” As John Tierney and Roy F. Baumeister recently explained in the Wall Street Journal: “bad health or bad parenting makes much more difference than good health or good parenting. A negative image… stimulates more electrical activity in the brain than does a positive image. The pain of criticism is much stronger than the pleasure of praise. A single bad event can produce lifelong trauma, but there is no psychological term for the opposite of trauma because no good event has such a lasting impact.” Or as the great sportscaster Vin Scully put it: “Losing feels worse than winning feels good.”
This means that good news is no news. It’s bad business. John Fund points out in a piece for the Fox News website: “In 2014, the Russian news site City Reporter decided to cover only good news and silver linings for an entire day. It lost two-thirds of its normal readership that day. When I was growing up in California, a businessman in my hometown launched ‘The Good News,’ an unrelentingly cheerful weekly paper that found subscribers in 50 states and 10 countries. But it went broke in 16 months.”
Still, when it suits their relentlessly left-wing bias, our mainstream news media can overcome good business practice. We all remember how the scandal-ridden Obama administration was “scandal free” to the media, and how eight years of sluggish growth and low-paying part-time jobs was reported as if it were some kind of economic miracle.
But when Republicans are in power, screw that, every day’s a disaster. Anyone who watches network news or reads the New York Times these days would think we were living in the End Times.
“Why is America So Depressed?” asks writer Lee Siegel in a Times op-ed. Commenting on the shocking rise in American depression and suicide over the last ten years, Siegel writes, “this mental carnage is occurring at a time when decades of social and political division have set against each other black and white, men and women, old and young. Beyond bitter social antagonisms, the country is racked by mass shootings, the mind-bending perils of the internet, revelations of widespread sexual predation, the worsening effects of climate change, virulent competition, the specter of antibiotic-resistant bacteria, grinding student debt and crises in housing, health care and higher education.”
The question is: if one stopped reading the New York Times, how many of these problems would instantly improve or simply disappear? Will the decade of American depression and suicide – which occurred in tandem with all the global good news – continue now that President the Donald has put America First and turned the sluggish Obama economy around?
If Americans start to cheer up over the next year or so, we will have cause to wonder if America’s suicidal funk was simply the result of eight years of incompetent Democrat governance, Obama anti-Americanism, and the smiley-face lies of a collusive press.

The New York Times.

KLAVAN: Good News Is No News

Media

Media Bias

The following is satirical.
As we begin a new year and a new decade, it’s time to turn our thoughts to ending the nation’s great political divide. We must begin to seek common ground between those of us who believe in the sacred principles of the American founding and the Democrats who are attempting to devour those principles like a swarm of locusts or some sort of toxic green slime that seeps into the fabric of our most cherished traditions and eats away at them like acid, and then, like in some disgusting horror movie, slowly morphs into the shape of an eighty-year-old Communist and runs for president.
Surely, there must be some way to ease the hostilities between those of us who understand the blessings of free thought and free enterprise and those pimply little craps who never did a damn thing but get themselves into debt and then whine about how the rest of us should pay for it because now they have a degree in Race Theory and its Application to Seventeenth Century Literature and they can’t find a job even after we somehow saved the economy from their idiot ideas.
We have to set our anger aside and find areas of agreement between conservative men and women and whatever non-gendered fairy tale creatures the Left imagines themselves to be.
Think of the sorts of things that all American can enjoy. Ice cream, for instance. Maybe we can all sit down together and have some ice cream. That ought to keep the little scumsuckers quiet for ten consecutive minutes at least so we can explain the facts of life to them while they try to learn new ways of thinking, like logically, for instance.
Then hopefully we can get to November and crush the lot of them and drive them before us and hear the lamentations of their women, not that the lamentations of their women have ever stopped and given us a moment’s peace.
So happy New Year to all Americans. And to the Democrats as well.

Conan

In 2020, Let’s Try to Find Common Ground Between Americans And Democrats [Satire]

A lot of people complain that Christmas is really a pagan holiday that’s been refitted for Christianity but, for me, that’s a feature not a bug.
For me, the birth of Christ — the incarnation of God’s Logos — the moment when the God we can’t see became visible and the God we can’t understand made Himself known — is like a spiritual atom bomb going off in history. After the blast, there’s all sorts of immediate effects: healing, miracles, the resurrection, crazy behavior like believers sitting on poles and handling snakes and speaking in tongues.
But over time, the radiation — or in this case, the radiance — spreads out and covers everything, permeates everything, transforms everything into a vehicle for itself.
History becomes new. We suddenly understand it as the events leading up to the arrival of the Christ child and the years of Our Lord leading away to the second coming.
Religion is changed. What was once an endless series of appeals and sacrifices by man to God becomes instead a vehicle of the Good News about the one sacrifice God made for man. It’s still religion. It’s still full of rules and doctrines and theories. But now those rules and doctrines and theories carry and spread the Good News and are only valid insofar as they contain the Good News.
And yes, holidays are transformed. A brute celebration of a physical event like the winter solstice becomes instead a joyous commemoration of the dawning of the Light of the World.
But the birth of Christ, like the birth of any man, is only the beginning.
A friend of mine recently made a wonderful observation about the Nicene Creed, the statement of basic Christian beliefs. He pointed out that Christ’s life is missing. One section of the creed declares that Christians believe Jesus “came down from heaven; he became incarnate by the Holy Spirit and the virgin Mary, and was made man. He was crucified for us under Pontius Pilate&#8230;”
Everything Jesus did and said vanishes between the period of one sentence and the start of another. My friend said it was as if they offered us the bread of a sandwich, but not the meat.
I sometimes fear too many of us believe, so to speak, in the bread of life, but not the life itself. We’re very swift to argue with one another over doctrine, but a little slow to go back and puzzle over what Jesus was actually trying to tell us. I don’t mean taking phrases out of context as a way to attack people we disagree with. I mean listening with full attention as the Logos of God tries to teach us how to align ourselves with Him.
Jesus said stuff. He told us to do stuff. He said, “Judge not lest you be judged.” He said, “Let him who is without sin throw the first stone.” I don’t think He was speaking in some kind of clever code when He said those things. I think He meant what He said exactly.
He told us to love God and love our neighbor — and to love our enemies, too, so that we’ll be children of our Father in heaven who causes the sun to rise on the evil and the good alike. God loves His human creation, in other words, and He wants us to act like His children and love it too.
I don’t think Jesus said these things so we would feel bad when we inevitably failed to do them. I don’t think he said them so we could dissect and twist them and make them mean something else. And I definitely don’t think he said them so we can throw them in one another’s faces.
I think he said them because he wanted to teach us joy. He wanted to tell us that when you attune your heart to the immensity of God’s love, you become joyful, and more joyful every day. I don’t mean happy. Happiness comes and goes. I mean abundantly alive, vitally present, crazily grateful to be even in this vale of tears.
At Christmas, what was once a celebration of the light of the sun and the abundant life it gives the Earth, becomes instead a commemoration of the Light of the World and the abundant life He offered all of us. Not just in His birth, because His birth was only the beginning. Not just in His death, though His death was not the end. His life, His works, His words  — these are the contents of the Incarnation. These are the gifts of Christmas.
Heaven and Earth will pass away, but those words will never pass away. The gift of joy is for us, and no one can take it from us. So let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. Rejoice. Rejoice evermore.
And have a merry Christmas.

The Adoration Of The Christ Child

KLAVAN: Christmas Changed Everything

Christianity

Christmas

The following is satirical.
At this magical Christmas season of the year, it’s good to remember that Jesus told us to love our enemies, and to ask ourselves: “What the hell was that guy talking about?”
After all, when one thinks of all the years in which left-wingers branded us racist and deplorable and then scolded us for being uncivil whenever we fought back; when we think of all the times leftist institutions censored us and shouted us down and even staged riots to attack us and then claimed we were a threat to American freedoms; when we remember how they made movies and wrote books and articles mocking our patriotism and trying to insulate our enemies from criticism and then suddenly dragged out the flag when it came to overturning our votes with a specious impeachment plan — well, it’s easy to imagine it would be fun to drag some of these people out of the Capitol or the New York Times building, whichever was closer, tar and feather them, tie them to a rail, carry them down to the Potomac or the Hudson, whichever was closer, all the while cheering at the sight of their much-deserved humiliation, and finally hurl them into the river where they belong and point and laugh as they are swept out to sea in the debris-filled water while occasionally also pelting them with rotten fruit and vegetables and maybe a few crumpled up newspapers or maybe a few crumpled up anchor people from the news networks and did I already say we could point and laugh at them — I think I did — but there’s no reason we couldn’t point and laugh at them some more until they were finally washed out of sight leaving this great country they in no way deserve better, freer, richer, more powerful and more united than ever before.
I forgot where I was going with this.
Oh yeah. Jesus said love your enemies. So I guess we can’t do any of that.
So&#8230; Merry Christmas.

Buddy Jesus

At Christmas, Remember Jesus Said ‘Love Your Enemies,’ For Some Reason [Satire]

The following is satirical.
Democrats are hoping the impeachment of President Trump will distract Americans from a growing scandal among their party: namely the fact that Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, and Elizabeth Warren are the frontrunners in the 2020 presidential primaries.
DNC Leader Fuzzy McKnownot says he himself was shocked to hear the news from the campaign trail. In a statement delivered in the stall of a gas station men’s room where he was sitting on the toilet sobbing uncontrollably, Mr. Knownot told the ghost of his late mother, “Our candidates are an old communist, a fake Indian and a guy whose eyeball explodes while he’s talking nonsense. When I said I thought anybody could beat Donald Trump, I meant any reasonably appealing, intelligent person with some actual idea about how to lead the country. I didn’t realize I had to specify that, but I guess I did.”
Responding to reports that impeachment news was obscuring his campaign, Joe Biden woke with a start and responded, “It’s great to be wherever I am and I’m looking forward to sinking my teeth into America’s problems just as soon as I find my teeth, not to mention America’s problems. Meanwhile, I just hope our teachers are touching children because you have to touch children. At least, I have to. What were we talking about?”
Communist Bernie Sanders said he couldn’t imagine why Democrats would try to hide his candidacy. He then promised to leap into his De Lorean and travel back in time to warn Trotsky to stay away from Stalinists with ice picks. Wandering around the parking lot looking for his De Lorean, Sanders said, “I know if I can just change history like Michael Fox did in Back to the Future, Communism will work great.”
Elizabeth Warren’s campaign, meanwhile, continued in a freefall caused by her tactical error of explaining to voters what she was actually planning to do: always a mistake with Democrats.

Back to the Future

Impeachment Distracts From Democrat Candidates, Democrats Hope [Satire]

Bernie Sanders

Joe Biden

The following is satirical.
Journalists across the country have been writing editorials in support of impeachment, which poses the serious danger to Donald Trump that someone might read one of them.
The New York Times, a former newspaper, published an attention-grabbing and emotionally powerful ad for a luxury hotel in Key West that really did look lovely. But on another page, there was some soporific call for the president to be brought down.
Times editor-in-chief Blithering Prevarication the Third, wrote, &#8220;Donald Trump poses an urgent danger to this country by doing whatever it is they’re claiming he’s done now. Never before has a president used government resources to investigate the campaign of an opposition candidate and if he’s not stopped he might soon be using dishonest means to get warrants to spy on American citizens — which is absolutely unheard of, at least by anyone who gets their news from this paper. Trump presents a threat to western civilization as we know it, which is as a racist, imperialist destroyer of innocent indigent people who were just going about their business enslaving and killing one another until we showed up and ruined everything.&#8221;
Television journalists are also weighing in. Wolf Blitzer, in a commentary delivered to the CNN audience, who was rushing to catch his connecting flight to Baton Rouge, said, &#8220;This historic impeachment is so historically historical that it’s even historic how historic it is. Clearly, this is the beginning of the end of the walls closing in on the tipping point of whatever it was I was talking about.&#8221;
The Washington Post, where Democracy dies of boredom, wrote, &#8220;Some might say this president has done a great job, while those running against him are a pack of clueless socialists who couldn’t run an electric train let alone a country. So if we don’t impeach him, how the hell are we going to get back in power?&#8221;
The Post editorial did receive an almost immediate response from Polly, the parrot whose cage was lined with the paper.

Parrots

Birdcages Across The Country Lined With Op-Eds Calling For Impeachment [Satire]

Clint Eastwood’s new movie “Richard Jewell” tells the true story of a heroic security guard wrongly accused of a 1996 bombing by the FBI and wrongly convicted by an out-of-control news media.
When left-wing critics previewed the movie, they were appalled.
“‘Richard Jewell’ is the Movie America Doesn’t Need Right Now,” was the headline on the review by Will Bunch in the Philadelphia Inquirer.
Bunch wrote: “At some point during those two hours in the dark – maybe the attack on the FBI as a rogue outfit using trickery to frame innocent people, or the depiction of journalists as amoral enemies of the people, or the swelling agitprop of applause lines about common folks under attack ‘from our two most powerful forces – the United States government and the media’ – that I’d began to wonder if I’d made a wrong turn. Was I really in a Philadelphia multiplex, or had I wound up at President Trump’s lie-larded Hershey rally taking place at exactly the same time?”
Likewise, left-wing outlet The Daily Beast said Eastwood’s movie “channels Trump talking points.” 

But here’s my question. Since Trump is never mentioned in the movie, and since the movie only dramatizes a completely true story, what made these critics think of Donald Trump when they saw a man being unfairly abused by the FBI and the press? What on earth, pray tell, brought President the Donald into their squeaky clean minds?
Of course, we know the answer. As much as they deny it, distort it, and lie about it, the Department of Justice Inspector General report on the FBI’s investigation into Trump’s non-existent collusion with Russia absolutely destroys the work and credibility of Obama’s FBI leadership and the news media that reported on it. It’s the “Richard Jewell” story on steroids, and if the press didn’t know it, they wouldn’t protest so much.
Despite what virtually every left-wing commentator has said, the IG report is not a “Rorschach Test” that can be read two ways. It crucifies James Comey’s FBI – and not like Jesus was crucified, but like the thieves beside him who were “condemned justly.” The feds lied. They cheated. They wrongly spied on Americans. They wrongly spied on an opposition presidential campaign. And while IG Michael Horowitz makes plain it wasn’t his job to question their motives in doing so – and while he allows they had the “quantum” of justification required to open the investigation – he specifically comments on the low standards of that requirement, and then goes on to outline behavior so bad, he himself won’t try to explain the reasons behind it.
And in showing the FBI misused its mighty power, the report also underscores the dreadful, immoral, and dishonest behavior of the news media. The two and a half years of breathless Russia collusion reporting based on anonymous leaks from spies trying to cover their butts was, like the reporting on Richard Jewell, an unforgiveable disservice to the American people. No wonder “journalists” don’t want to see Eastwood’s movie. They are so steeped in ideological corruption, they can’t stand the sight of themselves.
Put Donald Trump aside for a moment, if that’s possible. Consider only this. George Stephanopoulos worked for Bill Clinton during the 1992 election. Part of his job was silencing and discrediting women who accused Clinton of rape and sexual abuse. You can see him in action in the documentary “War Room.” Stephanopoulos is now the chief newsman at ABC News. A whistleblower recently released video showing that ABC News spiked the story about Clinton friend and child rapist Jeffrey Epstein during Hillary Clinton’s campaign. When the video went public through Project Veritas, ABC started a hunt – not for the evildoer who spiked the story – but for the whistleblower! CBS helped ABC by firing a woman they wrongly thought guilty. And, of course, over at NBC, they did everything they could to kill the investigation into Clinton supporter and accused rapist Harvey Weinstein.
Our journalists cover up for probable rapists in order to protect powerful Democrats. Let me repeat that: our mainstream journalists cover up for probable rapists in order to protect powerful Democrats – and then they cover up the cover up.
That’s who they are. That’s what they do.
If I were they, I couldn’t look in the mirror either.

Trump with press.

Our Journalists Are Not As Bad As In ‘Richard Jewell’ – They’re Much Worse

Clint Eastwood

Hollywood

Journalism

Richard Jewell

The following is satirical.
Everyone makes mistakes, but the important thing is that we take responsibility for our errors, learn from them, make changes and move on. Or we can work for the news media, then screw it.
In the last few years, the American news media has been unmasked as a nearly criminally corrupt enterprise, deserting their duty to inform voters and instead adopting a policy of deceit in the name of protecting left-wing Democrats.
On the other hand, whenever their corruption has been exposed, they have turned inward and examined themselves and changed their ways and then I woke up and it was all just a beautiful dream and they were still lowlifes.
For example, the recent Department of Justice Inspector General Report revealed several instances in which the news media made the innocent, unintentional error of getting caught being lying dirtbags. For instance, there was their coverage of the Devin Nunes memo in which Nunes pointed out that the FBI had gotten FISA warrants on false pretenses. The media universally denounced the memo and the Washington Post called it, “a joke and a sham.”
However, now that the IG has found that every word in the Nunes memo was true, the Post has promised to issue a correction, though it will be a magic, invisible correction only visible on the first February after hell freezes over.
Likewise, Adam Schiff, who lied about Donald Trump’s collusion with Russia, then lied about his own collusion with the Ukraine call leaker also, it turns out, lied about the Steele Dossier — and yet the media continues to believe him.
As New York Times Editor-in-Chief Blithering Prevarication the Third remarked, “We journalists must take an honest look at ourselves, especially at that mole on the inside of my thigh, which looked like a rubber duckie yesterday but today looks more like a polar bear.”
Mr. Third says he plans to continue this sort of soul searching because he feels his soul is bound to turn up sooner or later.
Related: <a href="http://Horowitz: FBI Created ‘Fraudulent Evidence’ In Investigation, Implies ‘Illegal Surveillance’">Horowitz: FBI Created ‘Fraudulent Evidence’ In Investigation, Implies ‘Illegal Surveillance’</a>

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Andrew Klavan

Articles by Andrew Klavan