The following is the opening satirical monologue from “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1108-twits-vs-tweets-2">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.“
Government Health Officials and other sinister incompetents are warning Americans about the onset of a new brain-eating, energy-sapping, mind-numbing pandemic called the World Cup. The symptoms are lethargy, apathy, irritability and a tendency to turn on the sports news only to experience a complete blackout until you wake up in bed with a Venezuelan prostitute, a random collection of farm animals and a one-legged midget who may or may not be a Communist spy — although that last symptom may only apply to me.
Along with being a soul-destroying plague ravaging the nation, the World Cup, of course, is also the championship match of what the Europeans call Football, because it’s played with your foot and a ball, and what Americans call Soccer, because if Football were that boring, Americans wouldn’t watch it. It’s called the World Cup because the entire world participates, unlike the baseball championship which is called the World Series, because it’s played by the only part of the world that anyone takes seriously.
For those of you who have been doing something more interesting than watching soccer, like picking your nose or listening to a political discussion on The View, let me give you a quick summary of how the game is played. First, a group of men dress up like high school girls — unless it’s women’s soccer, then a group of high school girls dress up like men dressing up like high school girls, which would be confusing if anyone were watching, but it’s women’s soccer, so that’s not a problem.
Next, the girly men run back and forth kicking a ball around a field for no discernible reason. The only rule is that you’re not allowed to touch the ball with your hands. That eliminates any side-effects that might arise from the use of the opposable thumb, like, say, human civilization. Now whenever a man on one team brushes lightly against a man on the opposing team, the man on the opposing team has to throw himself down on the ground and whine and cry and make a big drama out of nothing, because if you’re going to dress like a high school girl, you might as well go the whole hog.
Then, whenever someone who is kicking the ball enters the general vicinity of the goal, everyone in the stands has to jump up and cheer as if something has happened. Otherwise, they would have to face the fact that nothing has happened and nothing is ever going to happen, and that would be intolerable. If by some random chance, the ball should actually roll into the goal, then of course there’s a riot, continuing the centuries-old global tradition of staging mass violence between people of different nations over something totally meaningless and incomprehensible that everyone would have forgotten in a week or two if so many young men hadn’t been killed in the resultant fighting.
Now this year, the World Cup is being held in the Muslim nation of Qatar, because, over the years, Christians have suffered enough. And of course Qatar being a Muslim nation, the authorities there have banned drinking at the matches and will not allow the celebration or encouragement of homosexuality. This is because the Muslim God is very serious and will kill you for your sins here and now, whereas the Christian God has a sense of humor and thinks it’s funnier to let you do whatever you want, then cast you into eternal hellfire by way of a hilarious surprise ending. This is why we reject Islam and embrace Christianity, because that actually is funnier.
Anyway, some leftist sports fans who are taking some time off from sports to watch soccer, have staged protests against the Muslim authorities by trying to enter the stadium wearing rainbow symbols or sometimes sweatshirts reading “Love is love,” which are designed to drive the Muslims crazy when they spend hours trying to figure out what it means before realizing it doesn’t mean anything.
But what’s odd about these leftists protesters is that they’re the same leftists who thought it was Islamophobic for Americans to object when Muslims came to America and murdered Americans for not believing in their humorless God, but are now themselves objecting to Muslims in their own country enforcing their religious rules so that their humorless God doesn’t kill them on the spot. This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that, for leftists, there is absolutely nothing more important in life than sodomy, and in fact they’d rather be sodomized than even live life — which explains why they’re watching soccer.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2lHm_ZdswXr4ZRFDBRYWtn">Andrew Klavan</a> Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to order his new novel today: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref%3Dtmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding%3DUTF8%26qid%3D%26sr%3D&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2A-PHu0ZqsrknbrIeJJFOp">A Strange Habit of Mind</a>, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Klavan World Cup Article

CDC Identifies New Brain-Eating Pandemic Called The World Cup

Andrew Klavan

Readers Pass

Satire

U.S.

World Cup

The following is the opening satirical monologue from &#8220;<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1106-make-america-hilarious-again">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.&#8221;
President and venal houseplant Joe Biden met with make-believe-president-but-really-murderous-dictator Xi Jinping this week in an effort to improve relations between China and the part of China that used to be the United States.
Before the meeting, Houseplant Biden told reporters he planned to ask Dictator Xi some hard questions, like, “What is the capital of Indonesia?” and “How do you get the fortune inside the cookie without breaking the cookie? Or do you roll the fortune into the raw dough? But then why doesn’t the fortune catch fire when you cook the dough? And is it really a fortune if it doesn’t tell the future? And if it does tell the future, how do Chinese people know what the future is?” Also, “What does moo goo gai pan mean?” Biden said if Xi could answer any four of these questions correctly, he would win the Risk home game, so he could play at taking over the world as a relaxing break from taking over the world.
President Xi said he would be asking tough questions of President Biden as well, like “What’s that behind you?” Then, when Biden turned around to look, he would steal his watch.
The meeting between Xi and Biden lasted three hours, although that included Biden’s two hour nap, during which Xi had a listening device surgically implanted in one of the president’s liver spots so he could record Biden’s conversations in the Oval Office, and play the results on Chinese TV as a hilarious situation comedy entitled, “Tsi Tai Pao,” which roughly translates as “silly old man says meaningless things to administration underlings who nod with serious looks on their faces and then run the country however they want while media lickspittles pretend everything’s fine, after which the price of gas goes up another dollar.” The show will be aired Tuesdays at 8PM, followed by old reruns of “Three’s Company,” or as it’s called in Chinese, Tsi Tai Pao.
After the meeting, President Biden strode confidently from the conference room into a broom closet where he addressed a collection of mops he mistook for American journalists, until they reported the story accurately whereupon he realized they must’ve been somebody else.
Biden said [quote] “You know, it’s only when you look in a man’s eyes and speak to him directly that you can start to understand his point of view. For instance, I always thought torturing Uighurs was a bad thing, but now that I’ve had a chance to discuss it with President Xi, the next time I meet a Uighur, well, watch out. I also had a chance to ask the president for assurances that he would not invade Taiwan, and he guaranteed me he would no more invade Taiwan than he would implant a listening device in one of my liver spots. Plus he says he’ll continue to send TikTok to America to convince gullible young girls to cut off their breasts and confused boys to have themselves castrated — so we’re both on the same page there. All in all, I was glad to extend the hand of friendship to President Xi though I do wonder what the hell happened to my watch.” [unquote]
Meanwhile, as the Secret Service debated whether to get President Biden out of the broom closet or just leave him there where he’d be safe, President-Not-to-Mention-Murderous-Dictator-for-Life Xi addressed a group of American journalists whom he mistook for mops, until they swabbed the floor with soapy water and then squeezed the dirt out into a bucket, whereupon he realized they were actually American journalists.
Xi said, [quote] “It was a great honor to sit down for a talk with your blithering idiot. Future Vassal Biden had many things to say and I look forward to having them translated into English so I can understand them. Clearly, you have wisely elected a man we Chinese can work with, given that our work is to destroy your economy, enslave your people, and invade your Chinese restaurants so we can find out what the hell Moo Goo Gai Pan is. I was also pleased to be able to present the President with the most sacred symbol of Chinese friendship, a highly communicable respiratory infection. We all very much look forward to hearing more from President Biden Tuesdays at 8PM, followed by reruns of &#8216;Three’s Company.&#8217;” [unquote]
Xi said he hoped the leaders could build on the progress of this first meeting, and then meet next time on Chinese soil, assuming Biden can find his way to Taiwan.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2lHm_ZdswXr4ZRFDBRYWtn">Andrew Klavan</a> Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to order his new novel today: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref%3Dtmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding%3DUTF8%26qid%3D%26sr%3D&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2A-PHu0ZqsrknbrIeJJFOp">A Strange Habit of Mind</a>, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Klavan

When Joey Met Xi

Joe Biden

Xi Jinping

The following is the opening satirical monologue from &#8220;<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.&#8221;
Well, Republicans were hoping for a Red Tsunami. Unfortunately, Red Sue Nami turned out to be an embarrassed Japanese girl, saying, “Oh rook, rots of Lepub-Ricans are rusing.” We did, however, experience a red wave as we waved goodbye to Red Sue Nami.
In the wake of these absurd puns, election analysts and other people without any discernible skill set, are trying to make sense of the mid-term results so that Americans can find out what the people who were wrong about everything will be wrong about next. This is called &#8220;expertise,&#8221; and it’s actually a great way to make a living while the country is going down the drain.
One lesson we can take away is that, even though Democrats destroy the economy, fill our city streets with homelessness and crime, and sell pornography and sexual deviance to little children before butchering their bodies on the basis of an insane gender theory with no basis in fact, Republicans can still find just the right candidates to lose to them as long as the Democrats carefully select candidates who hate America and have had a stroke.
Exit polls show that the issues voters cared about most included what color sneakers they were wearing and where they could score some of those powerful new strains of legalized marijuana so they could make themselves psychotic and everything would seem fine. Also inflation was a big issue because after shelling out for the dope nowadays, you have no money left to buy Oreos, which is a downer when you have the munchies and are psychotic. Legalized abortion was also important because many voters seem to remember having sex with someone last night while they were stoned out of their minds and if it now turns out they have a baby, they want to be able to kill it without violating their parole and getting sent back to prison.
Among the biggest Democrat supporters were women, who seem to be allowed to vote now for some reason. Also young people lean Democrat, because they’ve had the traumatic experience of not being aborted and want to make sure nothing like themselves ever happens again. The Democrats also seem to have had some success with their clever campaign strategy of turning everything to crap and then screaming about the weather, because climate change was named as a big issue when exit pollsters polled people who were exiting reality.
But what effect did Donald Trump have and how can we get him to stop? Trump devised the strategy of only endorsing candidates who agreed that the last election had been stolen from him. This, in fact, did turn out to be a very big issue with the guy who still gives a rat’s ass about the last election — it was also big with his best friend who pretended to give a rat’s ass about the last election in order to avoid arguments and then voted Democrat because who gives a rat’s ass about the last election?
Now — despite the disappointing results, there were bright spots for Republicans. For instance, they lost in California, Oregon and Washington so they can’t be blamed for those dumpster fires. And they do seem to have eked out a majority in the House so we now have an inspiring titan of a House speaker in Kevin McCarthy. Okay, I’m joking about that one.
But we do have to remember, winning the Senate was always going to be difficult because of the terrible map, which showed all of the races taking place in America where people have gone insane and keep electing Democrats who turn everything to crap and then scream about the weather which kind of does make sense when you really think about it and are stoned out of your mind on some of that great new dope.
But what now? How can we endure the next two years of Democrats thinking they won because we lost? Well, first of all, let’s try to stay calm. Remember there’s always a new day and you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other until you get to Mexico where you can catch a plane to Norway. You also have to have faith that God is still in his heaven and so we’re probably getting what we deserve which, all right, isn’t really all that encouraging.
But still, politics isn’t everything. There’s also all that great legal marijuana. And once you’re psychotic, things won’t look so disappointing, because you’ll be a Democrat.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2lHm_ZdswXr4ZRFDBRYWtn">Andrew Klavan</a> Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to order his new novel today: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref%3Dtmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding%3DUTF8%26qid%3D%26sr%3D&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2A-PHu0ZqsrknbrIeJJFOp">A Strange Habit of Mind</a>, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Klavan (Article V.2)

Wave, Goodbye: My Thoughts On The Midterm Fallout

2022 Midterms

Democrats

Elections

The following is the opening satirical monologue from &#8220;<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show.</a>&#8220;
There was a new article in the Atlantic magazine this week entitled, “Let’s Declare a Pandemic Amnesty,” with the sub-title “We need to forgive one another for what we did and said when we were in the dark about COVID.”
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you hunky hurricane of hilarity, how do you manage to create these unbelievable absurdist satires of elite thinking that make us laugh so hard we almost put down the torches with which we were going to burn down their corrupted institutions, so we could roast marshmallows in the flames of their spurious expertise and then smear what’s left of their supercilious lack of self-awareness on a graham cracker in order to make smores out of their criminal presumption, before devouring even the crumbs of their unearned sense of superiority while we sing Michael Row the Boat Ashore and other favorite campfire tunes.”
At least, I guess that’s what you’re thinking.
But no, in fact, I’m not making this up! This article actually appeared in the Atlantic written by Emily Oster who, to be fair, is an economics professor at Brown University and so lives in a fathomless darkness of ignorance that you and I couldn’t possibly comprehend. But still, it is worth exploring her arguments before, you know, we relight our torches and continue on our way to the elite’s corrupted institutions in a well-ordered angry mob.
Professor Oster proposes that on the one hand, ordinary Americans should forgive government officials, so-called experts and cultural elites for destroying our economy, vaporizing our dreams, crushing small businesses, and locking us in our apartments while forcing underpaid, mostly minority workers to expose themselves to disease in order to deliver Amazon Fresh luxuries to their country homes. Then, on the other hand, cultural elites and government experts will forgive ordinary Americans for being ten minutes late delivering their chardonnay and thus forcing them to rewind to the beginning of the Downton Abbey marathon before sinking into their bubble bath with a glass of wine in order to endure the horrors of lockdown.
Professor Oster proposes that, on one side, ordinary Americans should forgive the government, experts and cultural elites for preventing us from visiting the hospital so that our grandmothers died alone, crying out for the touch of a familiar hand. Then, on the other side, cultural elites and experts and the government will forgive ordinary Americans for all that whining about, “Oh, please, please don’t let our grandmother die alone,” which was really distracting when government officials were right in the middle of a Zoom call with Mark Zuckerberg telling him to cancel the accounts of anyone who contradicted &#8220;The Science&#8221; by telling &#8220;The Truth.&#8221;
Professor Oster proposes that, on the one hand, ordinary Americans should forgive the government and cultural elites for shredding our constitution, shutting our churches, encouraging Black Lives Matter and Antifa riots and destroying the careers of anyone who wouldn’t take their untested vaccine. Then, on the other hand, the government and cultural elites will forgive ordinary Americans for pointing out that these so called elites and experts are in fact the biggest collection of perfidious clowns to ever pour out of a Volkswagen and if they ever had any claim whatsoever to their positions of privilege and power, that claim has now been reduced to less than the fumes of a mosquito’s belch by the vastness of their domineering incompetence — a comment that really, really hurt the elite’s feelings, especially after it turned out to be completely true.
Now, after we declare amnesty for the experts and the government officials and the cultural elites for forcing us to wear a mask and show proof of vaccination before going out to dinner while demanding that imaginary people be allowed to cast imaginary votes for an imaginary Joe Biden without even showing their imaginary ID, maybe we should also grant the experts amnesty for that time they destroyed our energy independence and made us slaves to oil-rich tyrants because of a climate emergency that’s every bit as unreal as the expert&#8217;s expertise. Then we can declare amnesty for that time the president called us fascists while he was having FBI SWAT teams raid our homes for disagreeing with him. And how about we declare amnesty for cultural elites sending those drag queens into kindergartens to simulate sex acts. Then, in return, the elites can forgive us for calling them demonic deviant groomers just because they’re grooming children to accept sexual deviance before butchering and drugging them to destroy the male and female images of God and remake them in the image of their own demonic evil.
Then, finally, after we’ve all declared amnesty and everything on both sides is forgiven and forgotten, America can at last return to the things that matter, like burning down the elite’s corrupted institutions and smearing their melted egos on our smores while singing Michael Row the Boat Ashore.
Hallelujah.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2lHm_ZdswXr4ZRFDBRYWtn">Andrew Klavan</a> Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to order his new novel today: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref%3Dtmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding%3DUTF8%26qid%3D%26sr%3D&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2A-PHu0ZqsrknbrIeJJFOp">A Strange Habit of Mind</a>, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Klavan (COVID Atlantic)

Elites Ask For COVID Amnesty. I Suggest Some Alternatives.

COVID

Social Issues

The following is the opening satirical monologue from &#8220;<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1103-escape-from-planet-crazy-2" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show.</a>&#8221;
Now listen, I don’t want to make fun of a stroke victim. I don’t want to make jokes about an old man with dementia. I don’t want to laugh at some poor woman whose only job qualifications are a hairstyle and a talent for mendacity. Unfortunately, that’s pretty much the entire Democrat party — and while I don’t want to make fun of them, someone has to. So let’s get started.
As the mid-term campaign season nears its close, Americans are preparing for election day when the free people of a great nation turn out to weep for what used to be a great nation when they were free people.
Democrats, who run all three branches of government and are therefore to blame for this dumpster fire, have been working to bring their campaign messaging to a perfect balance of subtle distortions and outright lies. Their first strategy was to talk endlessly about the capital kerfuffle on January 6th. That idea failed, however, when voters decided that a lunatic in a Viking hat running through congress smearing the walls with excrement was actually doing a better job than the people who are usually there.
Since then, Democrats have resorted to telling the electorate: “Sure, we tanked the economy, turned your cities into crime-ridden hellholes and threw the rule of law out the window. But at least we’re in favor of sexually mutilating children and slaughtering babies. Anything more than that would be too much of a good thing.”
Now, in the Pennsylvania Senate race for instance, stroke victim and funny-shaped head guy John Fetterman and TV Dr. Mehmet Oz are running neck and bizarre goiter to the finish line as Fetterman tries to drive home his campaign slogan: “I’m tan, rested and have no idea where I am.” After their recent TV exchange, the mainstream media was unanimous in saying Fetterman had turned in the finest debate performance by a man in a vegetative state in the history of medical emergencies.
President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden also chimed in on the debate in a private conversation with the cover of Brittany Spears’s first album, saying: [quote] “Everyone says Fetterman is speaking gibberish — like that&#8217;s a bad thing. But his debate performance reminded me of that time I told Corn Pop: Listen, a car in the balloon is worth an elephant on the head of a pin. Then I hit him with a roll of barbed wire I’d gotten from my many, many black friends who liked to stroke the hair on my leg because it was so soft and shiny. That’s why I’ll vote for Fetterman if it turns out I live in Pennsylvania.” [unquote]
In New York, unelected governor Kathy Hochul swore that she would fight crime to the very last hour before election day and then return to the policies that caused the crime in the first place and up yours. The effect of these remarks has been to narrow her race with Lee Zeldin, a man so obscure he had to check Wikipedia to find out who he was.
And in the Michigan governor’s debate, Governor and UberSturmFuhrer Gretchen Von Whitmer, defended her policy of locking the state’s entire population in their bathrooms during the pandemic saying it was important to cut down on traffic so she could visit her family more easily. When those remarks were greeted with anger, Von Whitmer started screaming, “Help, I’m being kidnapped,” and was carried off the debate stage by two FBI Agents wearing MAGA hats and t-shirts reading, “I mugged Jussie Smollett.”
Now to be fair, there’s also been some trouble on the right, especially after the artist formerly known as Kanye West went on an ugly anti-semitic rant. Adidas, a company literally founded by and named after a member of Hitler’s Nazi party — and no, I’m not making that up — dropped Ye as a sponsor, saying [quote] “This level of anti-semitism is unacceptable.” [unquote] Come to think of it, I’m not exactly sure what they meant by that.
Anyway, because Kanye knows Candace Owens and Candace knows Ben Shapiro, journalists are now insinuating that Ben Shapiro is one of the worst anti-semites ever to put on a yarmulke. Every morning, apparently, Ben looks in the mirror and says, “It’s you rotten Jews who make a fortune by controlling the media.” Which, okay, in Shapiro’s case happens to be true. But that other thing, about Jews aiming a space laser at earth — well, okay, Shapiro’s doing that too.
So maybe we should just vote for the guy in the Viking hat.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2lHm_ZdswXr4ZRFDBRYWtn">Andrew Klavan</a> Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to order his new novel today: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref%3Dtmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding%3DUTF8%26qid%3D%26sr%3D&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2A-PHu0ZqsrknbrIeJJFOp">A Strange Habit of Mind</a>, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Klavan-46

Escape From Planet Crazy

The following is the opening satirical monologue from &#8220;<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1102-media-panic-as-red-wave-rises-2">The Andrew Klavan Show.</a>&#8221;
Democrats, and other vampires sucking the life-blood from the throat of human decency, are beginning to worry that Democracy is in danger from Democracy.
With the latest polls showing that voters may throw Democrats out of office, then bounce them down the street like basketballs, then kick them from one side of the curb to the other, then jump up and down on their stomachs shouting, &#8220;Take that, you stupid Democrats,&#8221; then kick them from side to side some more before covering them with tar and feathers, hurling them into the Potomac and pelting them with rotten fruit as they float out to sea, then rounding them up in fishing nets and bringing them back on land to kick them from side to side again…
I forgot where I was going with this.
But the point is, Democrats may lose majorities in Congress and they feel this presents an existential threat to their majorities in Congress — or Democracy — you know, whichever. In the New York Times, a former newspaper, Editor-in-Chief Blithering Prevarication the Third wrote an essay for the opinion page, or as it’s often called, Knucklehead Row. The essay said, [quote] “Our democratic system is terribly broken if people can just go to the polls and vote for whatever candidate they happen to prefer. Here at the Times, the image of a mob swarming into voting booths one at a time conjures up traumatic memories of January 6th, when a mob swarmed into the Capitol and would have murdered public officials if they had murdered public officials. Now once again, we tremble at the sight of large numbers of people violently casting their violent votes to violently chase those same public officials from office violently. This is the kind of behavior that gave us Donald Trump and a booming economy and no new wars and we certainly don’t want that again because Donald Trump is a gigantic booger and a poo-poo head not to mention a stink-faced cooties magnet… niener niener niener.” [unquote]
Although Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has not shared her fears publicly, she did speak in the privacy of Jake Tapper’s new show on CNN, saying, [quote] “Today as I was in the bathroom mainlining Botox into my face to keep my head from collapsing in on itself like something in the last reel of a Dracula movie, I spoke to the people of the United States or my own reflection, and I tried to warn them or possibly myself about the damage their voting could do to Democracy. I said, People of the United States, or me: To vote against Democrats is completely out of keeping with the American founders’ vision of how I want you to vote. If Democrats lose their majorities, there will be no going back until Democrats change their absurd philosophy and stop making a crap-heap out of everything they touch, and that may not happen in my lifetime because it’s my lifetime and I’m the cause of a lot of it. We must preserve Democracy to enforce the will of the people as long as the will of the people is whatever I say it is.” [unquote]
At a campaign stop at a Girl Scout rally he’d snuck off to while his Secret Service was busy playing Grand Theft Auto, President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden told a thirteen-year-old girl, [quote] “It has never been more important that you stop running away from me and let me bury my nose in your beautiful golden hair so I can describe all the things you shouldn’t let boys do to your plump, luscious pubescent body. Also Democracy is important — and so we mustn’t allow some semi-fascist with half a black shirt and one jackboot to acquire the other half of that shirt and another boot and become a full fascist because then he might go out and fascistly vote, which he wouldn’t do if he only had half a shirt and one boot because then people would see he was only a semi-fascist and that would be embarrassing for him. Democracy is on the ballot and if people vote against democracy then democracy will lose so it’s a good thing democracy isn’t on the ballot because that wouldn’t make any sense — it would be like walking around with half a shirt and one boot. Now come back here, you flirty little vixen.” [unquote]
Democrats have pledged they will do everything they can to protect Democracy during this election but they’re not sure they’ll be able to get away with it this time.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2lHm_ZdswXr4ZRFDBRYWtn">Andrew Klavan</a> Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to PRE-ORDER his new novel today: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref%3Dtmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding%3DUTF8%26qid%3D%26sr%3D&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2A-PHu0ZqsrknbrIeJJFOp">A Strange Habit of Mind</a>, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Klavan political o2

Democrats Worry Democracy Is In Danger From Democracy

Democracy

Nancy Pelosi

The following is the opening satirical monologue from &#8220;<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1101-even-their-science-is-a-lie-2">The Andrew Klavan Show.</a>&#8220;
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The mid-term elections are almost upon us, and political experts are beginning to carefully study the polls that have never been right before and then discuss them as if they were somehow going to be right this time for some reason. These intense and serious discussions about what are essentially a random stream of meaningless numbers will help wile away the hours until Stacy Abrams is elected queen of her imagination while the rest of us accuse each other of cheating. This will be followed by the majestic spectacle of the peaceful transfer of power or a civil war, whichever makes for better TV.
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So — let&#8217;s take a closer look at those polls.
As of now, the Real Clear Politics poll-average shows Republicans with a 73 percent chance of winning a majority in the House on Election Day up until about 2AM when officials mysteriously stop counting votes, after which their chances go down to 46 percent. 57 percent of registered voters say the most important issue in this election is whether or not they’ll be too depressed to get out of bed and vote, while 32 percent say the most important issue is whether voting will be more interesting than watching TikTok videos one after another, and the remaining 11 percent say they are unsure whether they’ll be depressed or watching TikTok videos or both.
58 percent of registered voters say they are unhappy with what’s currently going on in the country. 31 percent say they are very happy with what’s going on in the country and are also very happy watching the movie Dahmer and slowing it down during the torture scenes. Three percent say they’re not sure whether they’re happy or unhappy but you can ask again once the Xanax wears off.
Some of the differences in poll results are caused by the pollster’s varying methods. To give an example: Nate Silver’s 538 website uses a unique system in which a computer simulates the election 40-thousand times, then selects 100 outcomes until they produce the results Nate Silver wants. So, for instance, the computer might run a scenario in which there’s a high turnout of a scientifically selected cross-section of voters and then Lady Laena Velaryon from the Game of Thrones prequel flies her dragon over the crowd and sprays fire on all the Republicans whereupon Nate Silver dances around his apartment in his underwear screaming, “Yay, all the Republicans burned up,” until his neighbor bangs on the wall and tells him to keep it down. This results in lopsided victories for Democrat candidates across all the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros as well as a stern warning from Silver’s landlord after which Silver will be interviewed on NBC News to fill time while they’re not reporting on the soaring crime rates in Democrat cities.
The Trafalgar Group uses a more hands-on method by actually visiting people’s homes and polling anyone who doesn’t shoot at them under the impression they’re an FBI Swat Team coming to arrest them for being Pro-LIfe. Their latest poll shows that 65 percent of young people are very optimistic and believe that Jamie Lee Curtis really will kill Michael Meyers for good this time, hopefully before Putin starts a nuclear war. 73 percent of Democrats who read the New York Times feel the most important issue is whether Donald Trump will climb to the top of the Empire State Building clutching a woman in one giant paw while swiping at World War I biplanes with the other, unless that was just a dream they had, in which case the most important issue is whether there&#8217;ll be any Bagels left at Zabars if they stop off for their yoga lesson first. As for Republicans, 88 percent believe you ought to get the hell off their property before they pepper your ass with buckshot, you federale fascists.
The conservative-leaning Rasmussen poll uses a system in which pollsters sit in a room smoking dope and throwing darts at a picture of Woodrow Wilson with a target drawn on it and then record the numbers, or some numbers, in a spreadsheet which they then delete before writing down completely different numbers they just made up and publishing those online. This has resulted in polls approximately 95 percent more accurate than all the other polls put together because they count a more realistic number of Republican voters.
After carefully sifting the data, most pollsters report that they’re making a pretty good living but are plagued by a sense of meaninglessness and a nagging fear that their mother was right and they should’ve done something more useful with their life like joining the circus or trying to become the ping pong champion of Romania. 92 percent of respondents agree the pollsters never could have become the ping pong champion of Romania but it still would have been more useful than what they’re doing now.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2lHm_ZdswXr4ZRFDBRYWtn">Andrew Klavan</a> Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to PRE-ORDER his new novel today: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref%3Dtmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding%3DUTF8%26qid%3D%26sr%3D&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2A-PHu0ZqsrknbrIeJJFOp">A Strange Habit of Mind</a>, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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Klavan 02

Midterm Elections Mean The Majestic, Peaceful Transfer Of Power — Or Civil War. Whichever Makes For Better TV.

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The following is the opening satirical monologue from “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1100-sexual-imperialism-2">The Andrew Klavan Show.</a>”
Murderous dictatorial imperialist Vladimir Putin has accused the West of Satanism, infuriating Western leaders by interrupting their child sacrifices to the bull-headed demon god Moloch.
The Russian president took time off from poisoning and imprisoning his critics to condemn America as an evil colonialist power, during a celebration of his annexation of the occupied regions of Ukraine, after a majority of Ukrainians in those regions freely voted to hand their land over to Russia rather than being shot and tossed into a mass grave.
Speaking either in Russian or a series of nonsense noises that sounded vaguely Russianistic (how would I know?) Putin said, “We here in Russia reject the West because we do not want our children taught that there are more than two genders and that they should undergo sex change operations. The leaders of the West have gone insane.”
The response from America was harsh and immediate. Public Health Admiral and Walking Monty Python Sketch Rachel “Oh Look, I’m a Girl Cause I Wear Cardigans” Richard Levine, was quick to strike back against Putin’s accusations of insanity. At a ceremony celebrating a new California law allowing sexual perverts to perform amateur surgery on children until they’re whatever gender the pervert wishes to molest, Levine said, “How dare Putin question the sanity and morality of Western leaders who are following the science as quickly as I can make it up? After all, in this festive and demonic Halloween season, if a boy wants to trick or treat as a girl, why shouldn’t we castrate him and let him wear a dress? What’s the matter? Don’t Russians like kandy korn?” Levine then put on his admiral’s outfit and sang the entire libretto to Pirates of Penzanze in falsetto while chasing a 16-year-old girl around the room with a scalpel and denouncing the invasion of Ukraine.
Russian leaders, on the other hand, supported Putin’s speech and said that listening to it was far preferable to being hung upside down naked and sprayed with a fire hose. They especially praised Putin’s threat to unleash his nuclear arsenal and lay the entire planet waste if he was not immediately allowed to take over all the countries of which he was already tsar in his imagination. Putin said, “This is not the raving of a power-hungry lunatic. All right, maybe it is the raving of a power-hungry lunatic, but by sending arms to Ukraine, America is simply fighting a proxy war through a country that would really be part of Russia if it weren’t another country altogether.”
President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden responded to Putin’s threat by denouncing the Russian leader as authoritarian. “Putin doesn’t even allow free speech,” Biden told a room that had been full of journalists until they were dragged out by armed security. Biden then continued signing an executive order allowing women to abort their children up to the third year of gestation if the child threatened the life of the mother or caused her to miss an episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or if the child’s death was required by the dark rituals of worship for the winged goat-demon Baphomet.
Biden went on to say, “It’s absurd to say we are supplying Ukraine with weapons simply as part of a proxy war. Those weapons were bought and paid for by the millions of dollars in salary Ukraine gave my son Hunter for his obviously phony job as a so-called energy consultant, with ten percent for the Big Guy if you get my drift, wink-wink. I’ll be damned if I sit here and let a thug propped up by corrupt Russian oligarchs condemn the actions of a duly elected American President propped up by corrupt Ukrainian oligarchs.  And if Putin dares to use his nuclear arsenal, there will be catastrophic consequences for everyone except of course myself who will be in an underground bunker celebrating abortion and other rituals of my Catholic faith.”
But while it may seem to some that the world is careening toward nuclear devastation because both the East and the West are being led by godless degenerates who have descended into madness and evil, we can all take inspiration from the brave freedom-loving women who have banded together to protest a misogynistic regime that threatens their status and their very lives in California. In Iran, women are protesting the oppressive morality restrictions of radical Islam so they can be more like Western women and be raped in ladies rooms by men in skirts or have their breasts cut off when they’re sixteen by insane so-called doctors.
Come to think of it, maybe nuclear devastation is our best option.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2lHm_ZdswXr4ZRFDBRYWtn">Andrew Klavan</a> Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to PRE-ORDER his new novel today: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref%3Dtmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding%3DUTF8%26qid%3D%26sr%3D&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2A-PHu0ZqsrknbrIeJJFOp">A Strange Habit of Mind</a>, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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Russian President Vladimir Putin Hosts Ceremony With Separatist Leaders Of Ukrainian Regions After Referendum

As Russia Tries To Conquer Ukraine, Deviants Try To Conquer Everybody

Russia

Vladimir Putin

The following is the satirical opening monologue from &#8220;<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1099-the-world-s-right-rises-2">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.&#8221;
With Hurricane Ian, a category Holy Crap storm, smashing into Florida, Democrats and other locusts on the amber waves of grain are warning Americans that if useless measures aren’t quickly put in place to do nothing about climate change, we will soon be faced with an emergency situation in which hurricanes continue to strike the Gulf coast as they have done every year in human memory.
According to green experts, climate change has caused these hurricanes and other storms to intensify to exactly the same level they were at before, while there are now far more climate catastrophes reported than there were before climate catastrophes were reported. As a result, whereas in the 1920’s, nearly half a million people were killed in climate-related disasters, last year that number rose dramatically to 7,000 people. Now, of course, you might say that mathematically that’s a 99% percent drop in climate-related deaths over the last hundred years. But that’s where you would be wrong. Or right. One of those.
On CNN, soon-to-be former prime-time host Don Lemon tried to explain the danger to his audience, before his audience had to leave the airport lounge to catch his connection to Denver. Lemon said, “I grew up in Florida and I’m making my very serious face so I can say with complete certainty that these storms are getting worse. In fact, I can pretty much say any garbage I want to with complete certainty since no one’s listening anymore anyway. I’m not even sure these cameras are still on. Why would they be?” Lemon then wept quietly until he was carried off the set to make room for his replacement, a life-size cardboard cutout of Brian Stelter, who was, in turn, replaced by one of those battery-operated monkeys that play the cymbals, and will host CNN’s latest show, Reliable Battery Operated Toys.
As the hurricane approached the coast, climate activist Al Gore delivered an impassioned speech to the hotel masseuse he was chasing around the room. Gore said, “We must follow the science through a cartoon forest of the imagination into a gleaming city of make believe. Because if we fail to act soon, my most dire predictions will come true and the world will be destroyed ten years ago. Now come to papa, you little minx, and give me my special massage.”
President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden, speaking to a collection of mops in the broom closet he accidentally walked into, said, “My Inflation Reduction Act will make hurricanes a thing of the past as well as the present and future. And while the Inflation Reduction Act will do nothing to reduce inflation, it will spend 369 billion dollars on programs that will bring temperatures down by statistically zero sometime in the 22nd century. We must funnel those huge subsidies to my cronies running green energy scams and we must do it quickly before I forget what I was talking about. Why, look at you. Aren’t you a pretty little girl? Oh wait, no, you’re a mop. Sorry. But if you don’t mind, I’d still like to sniff your hair.”
Spergie colonialist fat boy Bill Gates also responded to the hurricane in a speech to a large gathering of the Society of Men who Haven’t Been Prosecuted for what They Did With Jeffrey Epstein’s Underage Women — or the SMHBPTDJEU, a 501C3 charitable organization that raises money for bribes and assassinations. Gates said, “We must act on climate change at once because my private jet is parked outside with the engines running and I’ve got to get home in time to transfer a billion dollars in stock to my foundation so I don’t have to pay any taxes. So, like, follow the science or something and I’ll see you later.”
The calls to follow the science multiplied after the hurricane winds grew so strong they blew Dorothy’s house from Kansas to the fictional land of OZ, or possibly the World Economic Forum, where she was surrounded by drunken dwarves in ridiculous costumes — or possibly the World Economic Forum — who danced around her in circles singing in high pitched voices, “Follow, follow, follow, follow the science… we hear it is a wiz of a wiz because of the wonderful things it does. Ba-deep-a-dee-deep-a-dee-deep.”
And after all, if you can’t trust imaginary drunken dwarves, sex criminals and old men with dementia, then you can’t trust climate change activists at all.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2lHm_ZdswXr4ZRFDBRYWtn">Andrew Klavan</a> Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to PRE-ORDER his new novel today: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref%3Dtmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding%3DUTF8%26qid%3D%26sr%3D&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2A-PHu0ZqsrknbrIeJJFOp">A Strange Habit of Mind</a>, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Hurricane Ian 2022 Cloud Map Caribbean Sea 3D Render Neutral

Here’s Why The Panicked Left Needs More Of Your Money To Combat Climate Catastrophes

Comedy

Hurricane Ian

Leftists

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The Martha’s Vineyard Neighborhood Association of Selfish Entitled Hypocrites has released a statement attacking Florida governor Ron DeSantis, saying “Governor DeSantis acted in flagrant violation of federal law by exposing our association of selfish entitled hypocrites as selfish entitled hypocrites. At least, we assume that’s a flagrant violation of federal law. If it&#8217;s not, what are the little people paying taxes for?”
DeSantis cruelly <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1098-the-left-s-lies-have-driven-them-mad-2">tricked 50 illegal immigrants</a> into going to Martha’s Vineyard by telling them it was a lovely summer colony of sandy beaches and beautiful homes filled with leftists who wholeheartedly believe in unpoliced American borders and would therefore welcome them with open arms if they had an ounce of integrity. DeSantis revealed his evil intentions by chuckling darkly as he spoke the words, “If they had an ounce of integrity,” and by then muttering to himself, “And if pigs could fly, it would rain bacon.”
One illegal, speaking in his native Hellhole, told a translator, “When I reached the Vineyard and saw the many signs that said, ‘We believe no person is illegal,’ I was overjoyed because my English is not so good and I thought those words meant ‘We believe no person is illegal.’ It was very cruel of Ron DeSantis not to explain how wrong I was.”
Bravely fighting back against the malevolent DeSantis, some Vineyard residents clarified the signs for the illegals so that they now read, “We believe it is good to put up a sign that says ‘we believe no person is illegal’ after which we will call the National Guard and have you brown suckers bussed out of here so fast we’ll still have time to play a quick 18 holes at Farm Neck where the views, by the way, are absolutely breathtaking.’”
As Martha’s Vineyard residents waved a tearful sangria at the departing illegals, they suddenly found themselves besieged by flocks of journalists who came out of their summer homes to ask, “Just how evil is Ron DeSantis?” before heading over to the deck at the Dunes where the Raspberry Lemon Drop cocktail is an absolute must.
One Vineyard summer resident, Thurston Howell the Fourth, told the journalists, “Listen, Lovey, my father spent three years on an island with Gilligan so we know what suffering is. That’s why we’re committed to making sure THIS island remains a safe place for us to posture virtuously without experiencing any of the discomforts of actual virtue. It’s not like we don’t let in ANY immigrants. After all, that Kenyan fellow Obama is here. And we even let him bring his wife and she’s a black man. So we’re really very tolerant of anyone who’s rich and powerful and basically white.”
The Obamas themselves issued a statement, and promised one of the illegals 6.50 an hour to deliver it to the media. The statement said, “Today Michelle and I are thinking of the glorious Statue of Liberty, who raises her lamp over New York Harbor to embody the words, ‘Give me the wretched refuse of your teeming shore.’ Because believe me, if we wanted to live in New York Harbor with a bunch of wretched refuse we wouldn’t have made 65 million dollars producing unwatchable documentaries for Netflix. I mean, think about it. We actually made a documentary called ‘Our Great National Parks.’ Do you think that was interesting? Do you think we did that so that people would be informed and entertained? Don’t be ridiculous. We did it so we could afford to summer in a place without people from craphole countries screwing up the view. Now pay this guy his 6.50 and put him on the bus.”
Vastly overrated documentarian Ken “Vastly Overrated” Burns used the Martha’s Vineyard event to plug his new vastly overrated documentary about the Holocaust by making a convoluted comparison between flying illegals to Martha’s Vineyard, and shipping Jews to death camps. Burns added, “Sure, that&#8217;s complete crap but it will ensure my documentary is vastly overrated by many of the same people who just chased the illegals back to the mainland. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for my golf game at Auschwitz or Martha’s Vineyard. I always get those two confused because I’m so shallow I’m virtually two dimensional.”
In the aftermath of DeSantis’s brutality, Martha’s Vineyard summer residents vowed to come together to restore the island’s “In-This-House-We-Believe” signs, many of which were quickly destroyed in the catastrophe. The Obamas announced they would be making a film about the dramatic events, entitled, “Our Great National Parks II: This Time, It’s Personal.” And Ken Burns disappeared up his own fundament, which turned out to be vastly overrated.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2lHm_ZdswXr4ZRFDBRYWtn">Andrew Klavan</a> Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to PRE-ORDER his new novel today: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref%3Dtmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding%3DUTF8%26qid%3D%26sr%3D&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2A-PHu0ZqsrknbrIeJJFOp">A Strange Habit of Mind</a>, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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View of Edgartown

How Ron DeSantis Tricked 50 Illegal Immigrants Into Going To That Lovely Leftist Summer Colony Called Martha’s Vineyard

Every now and again, I think it’s important for us to lay aside our anger at leftists and other human plagues and dispel any unkind fantasies we might have about latching our hands onto the front of their heads like the face-hugger in the movie &#8220;Alien&#8221; and then twisting sharply while shouting, “You called me a fascist? Well, how do you feel now that I’ve unscrewed the front of your head so I can inject some truth into what used to be your face until it bursts out of your stomach and grows into a monster that tears you to pieces with its teeth?”
I’m sorry, I forgot what I was talking about.
Oh yeah. It’s time for us to lay our anger at these pseudo-Americans aside and truly open our ears and our hearts so we can begin to understand whatever destructive crap they’re trying to sell us now.
For instance, many of you have written to me and asked: What is intersectionalism? Is it fatal? Can you catch it by having gay sex? What makes you think I’ve been having gay sex? Is it because I wear skinny jeans and sleeveless undershirts?
And yes, it was the undershirts that gave you away. But to help you better understand the leftist doctrine of intersectionalism, today I’d like to provide you with this handy Q and A.
Q: What is intersectionalism?
A: Intersectionalism is a highly scientific system in which the very best minds laboring day and night on the hamster wheel of self-delusion invent imaginary categories of victimhood and randomly use them to ruin people’s lives.
Q: What are examples of these victim categories and how does intersectionalism help them?
A: Well, for instance, let’s say you’re a fat, ugly little man who wears a dress, dyes your hair pink and puts metal studs in your cheeks while declaring your pronouns are Pooh Bear and Ding-dong and then you go on TikTok to talk about how you convince the children in your kindergarten class to judge each other by the color of their skin. Intersectionalism helps you to understand that you’re a victim of culturally created categories of sanity, and if you can only shriek at everyone else and call them bigots until they pretend you’re fine, you’ll no longer be as mentally ill as you obviously are.
Q: Will that make me feel better?
A: Of course not. You’re still a total loon. But through intersectionalism, you can become happier relative to everyone else, because you’ve made everyone else as totally miserable as you are yourself.
Q: What about people who have, in fact, been historically victimized — like black people?
A: Intersectionalism helps black people by explaining to them that they’re victims of bad things done by dead white people and so they have to either wait helplessly or act in self-destructive violence and anger until living white people feel guilty about bad things they didn&#8217;t do and give money to black people who didn’t experience those bad things but are black like the people who did.
Q: Well, then, shouldn’t black people feel guilty about violent crimes committed by other black people and give money to white people who didn’t experience those crimes?
A: No.
Q: Why not?
A: Huh?
Q: If we’re distributing guilt according to race, shouldn’t innocent black people be guilty for things done by criminal black people?
A: No, that would be racist. Then a group of Twitter bots with seven followers each would shriek ugly names at you until you apologized and then they wouldn’t accept your apology and your cowardly boss would fire you and your life would be ruined.
Q: And that’s helpful to black people?
A: No, you’re not listening. It’s helpful to intersectionalists, because it makes them feel they’re powerful and virtuous instead of the lying, stink-faced bullies they really are.
Q: Well, what about women? Are they a protected class?
 A: Absolutely. Sometimes. Or possibly never, it depends. Under intersectionalism, women are a protected class as long as they don’t actually exist. Non-existent women must be protected so they can experience the normal biological processes of getting drunk and having promiscuous sex, becoming pregnant and then having an abortion so they can spend the rest of their lives loudly celebrating killing their children to drown out their guilt and misery. However, if a woman should cease to be non-existent by claiming, for instance, that a man can’t be a woman because a woman is an actual thing that exists that isn&#8217;t them, then the woman becomes what is called a TERF, an acronym which stands for Stop Telling the Truth, It Upsets Mentally Ill People and Exposes Our Leftist Scam.
 Q: But that acronym can’t stand for that: that’s not reality and makes no sense.
 A: Exactly. Now you understand intersectionalism.
<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2lHm_ZdswXr4ZRFDBRYWtn">Andrew Klavan</a> Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to PRE-ORDER his new novel today: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=" target="_blank" rel="noopener" data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries/dp/1613163517/ref%3Dtmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding%3DUTF8%26qid%3D%26sr%3D&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1663776358757000&amp;usg=AOvVaw2A-PHu0ZqsrknbrIeJJFOp">A Strange Habit of Mind</a>, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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