Joe Biden says America is back. The 117-year-old President-Elect made the announcement while on his back in a hospital bed where he’s recovering after breaking his foot while playing with Rover, a stuffed unicorn who can get awfully darned frisky and has caused Biden to fall down several times even though he was in a corner all the way across the room.
Biden says he plans to engineer the comeback of whatever he was talking about by completely reversing the policies of his predecessor George You Know the Thing. For instance, President Thing believed in America First. Biden says he will instead promote America Eighth, in which he deals with the nation’s problems only after tending to those of Lichtenstein, Kyrgyzstan, Lesotho, Bhutan, Andorra, the Grenadines and Kansas.
Likewise, Biden plans to change Operation Warp Speed to Operation Biden My Time, in which vaccines to deal with the pandemic will be produced in the relaxed, nice-and-easy atmosphere of a friendly checker game on a front porch in the middle of August and will be handed out one by one by gentle old codgers in baggy pants and comfortable shoes after a friendly conversation and perhaps a cup of tea, assuming the recipient has not already died by the time all that’s over.
What’s more, Biden plans to completely dial back the Abraham Accords, which have made great strides toward bringing peace to the Middle East, and will instead implement the Obama Accords in which ambassadors from Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates meet in a locked room with the Iranian Revolutionary Guard and whoever comes out alive gets to set Syria on fire while bombing Israel off the map.
Finally, Biden says he plans to reverse the whatchmacallit in order to lead whatever country he’s in in a new direction to bring about something that he’s sure would be great if he could just remember what it was.
Biden says he hopes this program will finally inspire unity and friendship between the Nazis and whatever idiots voted for him.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/in-hilarious-comic-masterpiece-nyt-editor-tweets-paper-will-treat-biden-as-they-did-trump">In Hilarious Comic Masterpiece, NYT Editor Tweets Paper Will Treat Biden As They Did Trump</a>
The Daily Wire is one of America’s fastest-growing conservative media companies and counter-cultural outlets for news, opinion, and entertainment. Get inside access to The Daily Wire by becoming a <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/subscribe">member</a>.

Joe Biden

Biden Plans to Change Trump Policies and Put America Eighth [Satire]

Satire

Joe Biden says America is back. The 117-year-old President-Elect made the announcement while on his back in a hospital bed where he’s recovering after

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Cliff Levy, the Associate Managing Editor of the New York Times, a former newspaper, has tweeted that the Times, “will scrutinize the incoming administration just as thoroughly as we did the outgoing one.”
And yes, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, Oh, Klavan, you uproarious Punchinello of miraculous mirth, where do you come up with these absurd and yet side-splitting knee-slaps of hilarious satire that stretch the very limits of imagination past the shadowy borderlands of the preposterous into the cosmic wonderworld of the totally ridiculous?
But no. I’m actually not making this up.
Cliff Levy, who works at the New York Times, where anyone who is polite to a Republican is drummed out of the city by a gang of 20-year-old trust fund credentialists who think that women in the Soviet Union had great sex in an apartment with one bedroom and three other families right up to the moment their husbands were taken into a prison basement and shot in the back of the head for having once wished out loud that they didn’t have to wait on line for bread…
Cliff Levy thinks that that newspaper is going to cover Joe Biden’s administration honestly and fairly.
Well, I, for one, believe him. Because I’m an idiot. And I’m really looking forward to the day when the New York Times matches their story headlined, “Brett Kavanaugh’s Brutal Rape Spree,” with their story headlined, “Tara Reade: Wasn’t She Kind of Asking For It?” I can’t wait till they match the story headlined, “Trump, Demonic Hellhound of Hitlerian History,” with their story headlined, “Joe Biden, How Cute is His Cat?” And of course, I’m holding my breath for when they match the think piece, “Trump: Is he Evil or Really, Really Evil?” with their feature, “Joe Biden: “It’s Not Dementia, It’s Just So Much Goodness He Can’t Get the Words Out.”
Cliff Levy thinks the New York Times will cover Joe Biden fairly. I actually wish I’d made that up, but I’m just not that funny.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/biden-team-hopes-to-reverse-trumps-policies-and-return-america-to-endless-wars-stagnation-and-despair-satire">Biden Team Hopes to Reverse Trump’s Policies and Return America to Endless Wars, Stagnation and Despair</a>
The Daily Wire is one of America’s fastest-growing conservative media companies and counter-cultural outlets for news, opinion, and entertainment. Get inside access to The Daily Wire by becoming a <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/subscribe">member</a>.

NYT Trump

In Hilarious Comic Masterpiece, NYT Editor Tweets Paper Will Treat Biden As They Did Trump

Media Bias

New York Times

Cliff Levy, the Associate Managing Editor of the New York Times, a former newspaper, has tweeted that the Times, “will scrutinize the incoming

https://editorial.dailywire.com/news/in-hilarious-comic-masterpiece-nyt-editor-tweets-paper-will-treat-biden-as-they-did-trump/

https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2020/06/NYT-Trump.jpg

Perhaps the moment of the Trump presidency I will remember most fondly was the moment Trump stood on the White House balcony and stripped off his face mask.
You no doubt remember. He had fallen ill with the Chi-Com Flu. It was, one pollster told me, an electoral disaster for him. It seemed to confirm the narrative being sold by the media: the narrative that any gathering that was not specifically dedicated to destroying America with anarchic violence and racial animus was a super-spreader event that would strike us down in our millions. Trump rallies were especially dangerous. Their pure evil doubled COVID’s strength. We had to be afraid. We had to wear masks. Full-body leather outfits like the one in “American Horror Story” were preferable. Wear them loose so they don’t stop you from shivering in your shoes.
And now Trump, a walking co-morbidity whose enormous frame was mostly composed of old French Fries, had caught the death-dealing WuFlu just as they warned he would. In a tight campaign, his approval rating dropped several points in mere days.
Then he was fine. Good treatment worked. He shook off the Great Death like a dog shaking off water. He was back home in a couple of days, looking great.
“One thing’s for certain,” he told America. “Don’t let it dominate you. Don’t be afraid of it. You’re gonna beat it.”
Then he walked out onto the balcony and tore off his mask like a boss.
Immediately, the media began shrieking like a party of 11-year-old girls after a mouse got loose.
“What does that mean, ‘Don’t be afraid of it?’” gasped CNN Medical Commentator Sanjay Gupta. “It’s a contagious disease that kills people!”
“Everyone should be afraid of COVID!” said Wolf Blitzer.
“It’s okay to be afraid of COVID,” said Jake Tapper. “And it’s okay that it’s dominating your life because it has dominated your life!”
The message couldn’t be clearer.
Trump: Don’t be afraid!
Media: Be afraid!
Now, as Thanksgiving arrives, the media wants to make sure that message of fear goes out again.
“Cancel your plans if you absolutely do not need to travel somewhere!”
“Keep it to your immediate household.”
“Eat all the mashed potatoes by yourself. That’s what I’m gonna do.”
And of course, petty tyrant governors chimed in, telling us to disinvite grandma, don’t dare sing and, my personal favorite, from Kate Brown, the fascist governor of Oregon, call the cops if your neighbors have Thanksgiving.
Meanwhile, every year, the Wall Street Journal publishes a 1620 account of the Plymouth Colony by Governor William Bradford. It describes the situation of the original Pilgrims.
“Being now passed the vast ocean, and a sea of troubles before them in expectations, they had now no friends to welcome them, no inns to entertain or refresh them, no houses, or much less towns, to repair unto to seek for succour; and for the season it was winter, and they that know the winters of the country know them to be sharp and violent, subject to cruel and fierce storms, dangerous to travel to known places, much more to search unknown coasts.”
As Heather Mac Donald points out in a piece in the Spectator: “Nearly half the 102 occupants of the Mayflower died in their first year of settlement at Plymouth, sometimes at a rate of three a day. Such a mortality rate was predictable. The earlier outpost at Jamestown, founded in 1607, lost 66 of its original 104 settlers in its first nine months. By 1609, following the also predictable loss at sea of a ship coming to resupply the colony, starvation at Jamestown had grown so dire that residents dug corpses from their graves to eat any remaining flesh…”
I wonder if the colonists wore masks while they were eating dead bodies to survive the winter — just, you know, to stay safe.
My point is simply this. For all his flaws and P.T. Barnum eccentricities, there is more of the spirit that made this country great in Donald Trump’s little finger than there is in the quivering bodies of Jake Tapper, Wolf Blitzer, and Kate Brown tarred together and covered with feathers, which is not a bad idea. For their puling fear-mongering, their womanish horror at the sight of brash courage, and their “expert” attempts to demolish every tradition and tie that keeps this country strong and makes life worth living, they should, every damn one of them, make like a turkey, and get stuffed.
With God’s help, we’ll make it through the coming years of government-by-swamp. But I’ll miss the man on the balcony.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving with family and friends.
The views expressed in this opinion piece are the author’s own and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire. 
The Daily Wire is one of America’s fastest-growing conservative media companies and counter-cultural outlets for news, opinion, and entertainment. Get inside access to The Daily Wire by becoming a <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/subscribe">member</a>.

Trump balcony

KLAVAN: Here’s To The Man On The Balcony

Coronavirus

COVID-19

Donald Trump

Thanksgiving

Perhaps the moment of the Trump presidency I will remember most fondly was the moment Trump stood on the White House balcony and stripped off his face

https://www.dailywire.com/news/klavan-heres-to-the-man-on-the-balcony/

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As Joe Biden begins to assemble his cabinet, the incoming administration’s approach is becoming clearer.
Incoming Secretary of State Tony Blinken, in a statement presented in choral style with fifteen career diplomats who looked exactly like himself, outlined some of their joint ideas.
The group, which calls itself The Blinkens, sang, “When the Obama administration left office, the Middle East was in flames, and China was taking American jobs while our citizens died of despair. Trump and his cronies ruined all that hard work and are leaving behind them a chaos of peace deals and a Chinese Communist Party with a big scary frown on its giant Communist face.
&#8220;Meanwhile, the stock market is soaring to record heights threatening an era of reckless prosperity after Trump’s vaccines cure Wuflu. We have got to bring our nation back to the sort of multilateral, cooperative, lead-from-behind diplomacy that will keep the Communists happy while Americans return to their proper state of suicidal anguish amidst endless foreign wars.
&#8220;We very much hope to hit the ground running from day one and remain on the ground with our faces buried in blood and sand for the entire four years we’re in office.”
Biden’s new energy czar, John Kerry the Twelfth, says he too wants to get right to work, shaving a hundredth of a degree off the average global temperature by returning the United States to the Stone Age.
Kerry spoke with his wife Lovey in a phone call to Martha’s Vineyard, where Kerry owns a 12-million-dollar ocean front mansion that would be consumed by rising water levels within the year if even a single thing he believed were true.
Kerry told Lovey he plans to enter immediate negotiations with the clouds to have them cover the sun more often. He says the president of Iran has offered to help with those talks for a mere $200 billion in small unmarked bills to be dropped into Iran on a pallet in the dead of night.
What could possibly go wrong?
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/obama-writes-memoir-america-its-just-not-good-enough-for-me-satire">Obama Writes Memoir: ‘America — It’s Just Not Good Enough for Me.’</a>
The Daily Wire is one of America’s fastest-growing conservative media companies and counter-cultural outlets for news, opinion, and entertainment. Get inside access to The Daily Wire by becoming a <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/subscribe">member</a>.

Biden Blinken

Biden Team Hopes to Reverse Trump’s Policies and Return America to Endless Wars, Stagnation and Despair [Satire]

As Joe Biden begins to assemble his cabinet, the incoming administration’s approach is becoming clearer. Incoming Secretary of State Tony Blinken, in a

https://editorial.dailywire.com/news/biden-team-hopes-to-reverse-trumps-policies-and-return-america-to-endless-wars-stagnation-and-despair-satire/

https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2020/11/Biden-Blinken.jpg

Barack Obama has completed the tour promoting his memoir and is now writing a memoir about his tour promoting his memoir. When he’s finished, he plans to write a memoir about the memoir about his tour.
The current memoir, entitled, “America — It’s Just Not Good Enough for Me,” has become a bestseller after the former bad president’s promotional tour, which he’ll write about in his new memoir, “America — It Still Can’t Live Up to Me,” which he’ll write about writing about in his next memoir, “Stop Bothering Me, America. You Just Don’t Rate.”
In his memoir about his memoir’s promotional tour, Obama will explain that his interview with Oprah Winfrey was actually a visual effect in which Obama was made to appear as if he was in the same room with Oprah Winfrey even though she couldn’t possibly deserve to be in the same room with Obama because Oprah Winfrey is part of America and America just isn’t good enough to be in the same room with Obama.
When he finishes writing about that, he’ll write about writing about how you aren’t in the same room with him while he’s writing, because you too are part of America and don’t deserve to be there.
Obama’s current memoir was originally contracted to be 100,000 words long, but instead came out closer to being 100,000 pages long.
Obama says that was not because he’s a narcissistic incompetent who thinks he knows vastly more than in fact he does and couldn’t even read the contract, but instead is because 100,000 words was simply not enough to contain the worlds that are contained within Barack Obama, each one of them better than America.
Obama says he’ll begin work on the memoir of the tour as soon as the tour ends and will begin work on the memoir about the memoir as soon as the memoir ends so that he will disappear into an endless world of Obama, which will be much, much better than America.
America says it can’t wait for him to disappear.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/blithering-madwoman-found-wandering-through-u-s-capitol-is-re-elected-speaker-of-the-house-satire">Blithering Madwoman Found Wandering Through U.S. Capitol is Re-Elected Speaker of the House</a>
The Daily Wire is one of America’s fastest-growing conservative media companies and counter-cultural outlets for news, opinion, and entertainment. Get inside access to The Daily Wire by becoming a <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/subscribe">member</a>.

Obama visits Chicago to tout immigration action, cites Ferguson controversy

Obama Writes Memoir: ‘America — It’s Just Not Good Enough for Me.’ [Satire]

Barack Obama

Barack Obama has completed the tour promoting his memoir and is now writing a memoir about his tour promoting his memoir. When he’s finished, he plans to

https://editorial.dailywire.com/news/obama-writes-memoir-america-its-just-not-good-enough-for-me-satire/

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My mind is on the fight ahead.
I’m more than willing to be astonished two weeks from now when Sidney Powell produces irrefutable proof in a court of law that a cabal of international leftists cyber-switched millions of votes from Trump to Biden. But no, I’m not expecting that to happen.
It could happen. Of course, it could. I certainly think the Trump team has the right to try it if they think they’ve got the goods. I don’t think they’re obligated to show the evidence before that to the public or Tucker Carlson or anyone else.
And I’m not at all swayed by the nonsense claims of the media that this was, for the first time in all of human history, an election without even a smidgeon of fraud. I get a laugh when the “journalists” who told me Donald Trump was a Russian spy and Brett Kavanaugh was a mass rapist look indignant and cry, “Why won’t you believe us???”
Our news media is trash. Their words are worth nothing.
Finally, I yawn extremely at complaints from the Left that Trump is putting our democracy at risk by making his legal play. Legal plays are part of our democracy. And I seem to remember some of these same Bozos pleading with electors to go faithless and vote for Hillary after Trump won the last election. Screw ‘em.
But so far, the evidence I’ve seen of a Big Steal isn’t convincing either. There’s no reason to believe Dominion software had any dealings with Smartmatic, the software company involved in a suspect Venezuelan election. Dominion has hundreds of millions of dollars in contracts that would disappear if they were shown to be cheating: a lot of incentives to play it straight. Most of the spikes in voting are easily explainable. And verifying votes by name isn’t possible anymore — it would be a violation of the secret ballot.
A hundred and fifty million people voted. Just in the nature of things, there are going to be thousands of cases of fraud and error, maybe tens of thousands. But it’s hard to believe they can prove enough cases in a court of law to change the outcome.
So my mind is on the fight ahead.
It’s a twofold fight. One, is the battle for the culture. The schools, from kindergarten up, have to be broken and reshaped. The news media has to be beaten and replaced. Entertainment has to be expanded to include the rest of us. The church has to be abandoned and reformed.
That’s a big job, a long game, but as I wrote last week, it’s already underway. Conservatives are finally awake to the need now. We’re in the right. If we show up, we can win.
Two, we have to stop the Great Reset. Go on the website of the World Economic Forum — those are the clowns at Davos who think they have the right to plan our future. They want to use the pandemic as an excuse to impose international socialism on us. They want to “steer the market toward fairer outcomes” by having governments coordinate their tax and regulatory policy. They want to “ensure that investments advance shared goals.” And they want to harness innovation to the “public good.”
Amazingly, it has never occurred to these geniuses to wonder if they have to right to steer the market anywhere or decide which goals we share or define the public good. It has never occurred to them to ask whether they have the capability to do those things. It has never occurred to them to ask if the people want them to.
We have to ask those questions. Then we have to write them down on paper. Then we have to jam the paper down these jackasses’ throats, kick them in the pants, and chase them off into oblivion.
This is the fight that’s going to define the century. It’s going to be worldwide, and it could get ugly. But it has to be won.
The first step is winning the Senate races in Georgia. The second is taking back the House in two years. Then we have to find someone with the guts and America First agenda of Trump, but the manners of a gentleman or lady and reclaim the presidency.
I’m sorry some people are angry at me for not buying the Big Steal scenario. Again, I’m open-minded, ready to be surprised. I’m just telling you how it looks right now.
And right now, the fight ahead is real. In Georgia, in Washington, in academia, in Hollywood, in Davos.
If you’re looking backward, you’re looking the wrong way.
The views expressed in this opinion piece are the author’s own and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
The Daily Wire is one of America’s fastest-growing conservative media companies and counter-cultural outlets for news, opinion, and entertainment. Get inside access to The Daily Wire by becoming a <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/subscribe">member</a>.

Man on blue walkway

KLAVAN: The Fight Ahead

2020 Election

Georgia

Socialism

My mind is on the fight ahead. I’m more than willing to be astonished two weeks from now when Sidney Powell produces irrefutable proof in a court of law

https://editorial.dailywire.com/news/klavan-the-fight-ahead/

https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2020/11/A4309346-8B09-4164-BBC8-D6E45B221026-1200x800.jpeg

The Democrats have re-elected Nancy Pelosi as House Speaker.
Discussing the move with reporters, one Democrat congressman who asked to remain anonymous while wearing a fake mustache in a dark room with all the reporters facing away from him with their eyes closed, explained the move, saying, “Now that we’ll be working with President Joe Biden we wanted a leader who speaks his language, namely incomprehensible rambling trailing off into bizarre non-sequiters followed by aggressive looks as if something meaningful has been said.”
Accepting the speaker’s gavel, Pelosi said, “This is a great day for whatever country we’re in. I was gratified to win this vote even though I couldn’t be present for it because I walked into a broom closet by mistake and was gossiping with a friend for two hours before I realized she was actually a mop.&#8221;
&#8220;I have to say, she was surprisingly intelligent for a cleaning implement and I’m hoping to enlist her in running whatever organization I’ve just been made the head of,&#8221; she added.
Speaker Pelosi then announced her first bill of the new session which would create the post of Person Who Wipes Off Her Lipstick After She Accidentally Draws A Mouth On Her Forehead.
Another high-ranking Democrat who asked to remain anonymous while speaking from an undisclosed location from a burner phone equipped with an electronic voice changer while holding a handkerchief over his or possibly her mouth, told reporters “We thought Nancy Pelosi was the best choice for Speaker because she’s completely out of her mind and she not only screwed up every aspect of the last election but spent the last two hours in the closet trading gossip with a mop. Who else would want the job of leading an institution that hasn’t actually done anything since 1985?”
The interview came to a sudden end when police rushed into the Capitol to protect Pelosi who had complained of being attacked by a madwoman with a gavel before she realized she was hitting herself in the head.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/vogue-cover-of-harry-styles-in-a-dress-could-undermine-the-masculinity-of-prancing-boy-band-singers-satire">Vogue Cover of Harry Styles in a Dress Could Undermine the Masculinity of Prancing Boy Band Singers</a> 
The Daily Wire is one of America’s fastest-growing conservative media companies and counter-cultural outlets for news, opinion, and entertainment. Get inside access to The Daily Wire by becoming a <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/subscribe">member</a>.

Nancy Pelosi

Blithering Madwoman Found Wandering Through U.S. Capitol is Re-Elected Speaker of the House [Satire]

The Democrats have re-elected Nancy Pelosi as House Speaker. Discussing the move with reporters, one Democrat congressman who asked to remain anonymous

https://editorial.dailywire.com/news/blithering-madwoman-found-wandering-through-u-s-capitol-is-re-elected-speaker-of-the-house-satire/

https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2020/11/Nancy-Pelosi.jpg

A Vogue magazine cover featuring Harry Styles in a dress is under attack for trying to make sexually ambiguous British boy band singers look like sissies.
Many believe that undermining the masculinity of simpering reed-thin English lads who swivel their hips while singing pop songs surrounded by other boys with funny little accents could undercut the manhood of society leading other sexually indeterminate singer boys from the country of Elton John, David Bowie and Lou Reed to become girly weaklings in tight jeans who prance around to little tunes with other boys similarly attired.
What will happen to a society in which masculinity is abandoned by prissy British pop stars who spend the majority of their time posing in different outfits in order to replicate an 11-year-old girl’s idea of masculinity?
Who will fight our wars if when danger rises and duty calls, our nation can’t reach out to its population of hip-swiveling chirpers of adolescent love songs and count on them to rush to the front and perform such favorite lyrics as “Walk in your rainbow paradise, strawberry lipstick state of mind; I get so lost inside your eyes. Would you believe it?” while leaning their smooth cheeks on one hand and gazing wistfully into space until the enemy panics and retreats.
Soon, if we’re not careful, all members of society who sit around watching reedy Englishmen prance about on YouTube singing such ditties as “Watermelon Sugar High” and “Sunflower — My Eyes Want You More Than a Melody,” will have lost all notion of what it means to be a real man sitting around watching reedy Englishmen prance about on YouTube.
We must always be aware of just how powerful fashion magazines like Vogue can be. Do you remember back in the 1980’s when gay fashion photographers decided what was really beautiful in a woman was a stick-thin body remarkably like a boy’s and as a result men lost their taste for girls with spectacular breasts and those womanly hips that make you dream of paradise?
Actually, I don’t remember that either.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/as-flu-numbers-rise-governors-rush-to-buy-napoleon-hats-satire">As Flu Numbers Rise, Governors Rush To Buy Napoleon Hats</a>
The Daily Wire is one of America’s fastest-growing conservative media companies and counter-cultural outlets for news, opinion, and entertainment. Get inside access to The Daily Wire by becoming a <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/subscribe">member</a>.

Harry Styles Performs For SiriusXM and Pandora in New York City

Vogue Cover of Harry Styles in a Dress Could Undermine the Masculinity of Prancing Boy Band Singers [Satire]

Gender

A Vogue magazine cover featuring Harry Styles in a dress is under attack for trying to make sexually ambiguous British boy band singers look like sissies.

https://editorial.dailywire.com/news/vogue-cover-of-harry-styles-in-a-dress-could-undermine-the-masculinity-of-prancing-boy-band-singers-satire/

https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2020/11/Harry-Styles.jpg

It’s flu season, which means a rise in incidents of hysteria and the Chinese Flu, also sometimes called the Wuflu or the Flu Manchu or the Kung Flu or the Communist Dirtbag Flu, or sometimes just The Evil Thing that China Did to the Rest of the World Flu, for short.
As innumerate journalists panic in high-pitched voices over numbers that don’t mean anything, governors who like power rub their sweaty hands together with glee and consider how they can torment the populations who made the mistake of voting for them with useless restrictions that will destroy your business while having no effect on numbers that don’t mean anything.
Governor Newsom of California says because of the rise in flu cases, he will issue an executive order allowing him to wear a sterling blue military uniform with gold epaulettes which will go stunningly with the bicorne hat made popular by Napoleon Bonaparte, also a governor of California.
Along with the smashing uniform, Newsom says Californians may only gather in groups of one or fewer and must pass around Thanksgiving turkey by mail. The only exceptions are looters and anyone who invites him to a party where the drinks are free.
In Michigan, Governor Obersturmfuhrer Gretchen Whitmer says the uptick in Chinese virus cases will require her to march back and forth on her balcony swinging her straight arms in wide arcs and snapping her heels smartly on the ground with each step while a grateful state of Michigan repeatedly stabs their open hands into the air in salute.
Other than that, however, no one is allowed to leave their homes unless Governor Obersturmfuhrer needs to have her hair done, in which case her stylist may go to her shop to give her a cut and blow before being executed for breaking the lockdown rules.
In Chicago, Mayor Lori Lightfoot says everyone has to stay at home except for her and gang members who urgently need to get to a drive-by shooting.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/media-celebrates-the-end-of-trumps-dishonesty-and-corruption-because-they-couldnt-stand-the-competition-satire">Media Celebrates the End of Trump’s Dishonesty and Corruption Because They Couldn’t Stand the Competition</a>
The Daily Wire is one of America’s fastest-growing conservative media companies and counter-cultural outlets for news, opinion, and entertainment. Get inside access to The Daily Wire by becoming a <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/subscribe">member</a>.

Napoleon

As Flu Numbers Rise, Governors Rush To Buy Napoleon Hats [Satire]

It’s flu season, which means a rise in incidents of hysteria and the Chinese Flu, also sometimes called the Wuflu or the Flu Manchu or the Kung Flu or the

https://editorial.dailywire.com/news/as-flu-numbers-rise-governors-rush-to-buy-napoleon-hats-satire/

https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2020/11/Napoleon.jpg

The Media is overcome with joy over their decision that Joe Biden will be the next president of the United States.
Lying on a velvet divan and sipping a cucumber lemonade and gin while receiving a massage from his pool boy, CNN anchorman Anderson Cooper said, “After years of our comparing Trump to Hitler, lying about his relationship with Russia and undermining even his most beneficial policies, we can at last return to normal levels of civility where I call ordinary Americans tea-baggers and no one criticizes me for it.”
Van Jones, meanwhile, was crying in the arms of Brian Stelter who was weeping on the shoulder of Van Jones who was sobbing into Brian Stelter’s counterpane while Brian blew his nose in Van Jones souvenir copy of the Green New Deal, and one or the other of them said, “At last, we can tell our children that character counts and honesty matters. Not to us, of course, because we work for CNN, but to Donald Trump because if he could have pretended to have character and honesty like we pretend to, he too could have been an anchorman at CNN.
&#8220;Instead, he chose the darker path of restoring the economy and bringing peace to the Middle East so we had to assail him with any lie available until we could tell our children that character counts and honesty matters because we have to tell our children something or else they might find out what we really do for a living.”
The rest of his statement was drowned out by loud wails and nose-blowing.
At ABC News George Stephanopoulos said, “I am thrilled that the dark center of American corruption has finally passed away from the White House so it can return to ABC News where it belongs.”
Stephanopoulos said that having spent so much of his life silencing women, he now felt free to put that talent to use getting Van Jones and Brian Stelter to stop crying so damn loudly.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/why-wont-republicans-accept-that-biden-defeated-the-illegitimate-russian-asset-masquerading-as-president-satire">Why Won’t Republicans Accept that Biden Defeated the Illegitimate Russian Asset Masquerading as President?</a>
The Daily Wire is one of America’s fastest-growing conservative media companies and counter-cultural outlets for news, opinion, and entertainment. Get inside access to The Daily Wire by becoming a <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/subscribe">member</a>.

Brian Stelter

Media Celebrates the End of Trump’s Dishonesty and Corruption Because They Couldn’t Stand the Competition [Satire]

The Media is overcome with joy over their decision that Joe Biden will be the next president of the United States. Lying on a velvet divan and sipping a

https://editorial.dailywire.com/news/media-celebrates-the-end-of-trumps-dishonesty-and-corruption-because-they-couldnt-stand-the-competition-satire/

https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2020/11/Brian-Stelter.jpg

In 1976, Ronald Reagan lost a tough nomination battle to then sitting President Gerald Ford. It looked like Reagan was finished. He was already 65. The consensus opinion was that he’d be too old to try again by the time 1980 rolled around.
But Reagan knew the truth: fate isn’t fashioned by consensus. According to historian Lee Edwards of the Heritage Foundation, he wrote to a supporter: “Going on with what God has given us, confident there is a destiny, somehow seems to bring a reward we wouldn&#8217;t exchange for any other.”
And famously, when he spoke to his disappointed staff, he quoted an old Scottish ballad in which a fallen warrior tells his soldiers:
“Fight on, my men…
I am wounded but not slain.
I will lay me down for to bleed awhile,
Then I’ll rise and fight again.”
I know that many conservatives are dispirited now. Many are resting their hopes on overturning the election results by proving them fraudulent in recounts and courts of law. I support that effort. The Democrats cheat. They need to be exposed and our systems need to be reformed. It’s a long shot, but hey, maybe the Trump team will pull off a miracle. It’s 2020 — anything could happen.
But I’m not betting on it. Even if there was enough fraud to skew the election, it’s going to be hard to prove. And it seems equally possible that my fears were realized and Trump’s personality — his lack of decorum, his pugilism, his ferocity — all great weapons to wield against a corrupt Deep State and its media — were also electoral handicaps that drove many voters to vote against him.
If that’s how it turns out — if Trump has to leave — well, you can put my name on any enemy list you want, because I’ll tell you right now: I’m going to miss him. He’s been the most exciting, transgressive, and delightful president of my lifetime. He gave us a restored economy, a more responsible judiciary, the start of a true Middle East peace process, a more honest approach to China, and a media stripped naked in its corruption. For all the Trump-is-Hitler palaver, he seized less power for government than any president I can remember, Reagan included. And for all the Threat-to-our-Democracy wailing, he colored within the Constitutional lines. He did not turn the IRS on his political opponents. He did not use the FBI to investigate the other party’s candidates. He did not bug reporters’ phones or criminalize their actions. He was not, in short, anywhere near as dangerous to our American norms as Barack Obama. I’ll be sorry to see him go.
But while I’m disappointed, I’m not discouraged. I will lay me down for to bleed awhile, but I will surely fight again. In fact, I believe this election marks a turning point in our favor — a conservative turning point in the fight for America’s culture.
Our despicably corrupt media did everything they could to hurt this president. The Russian hoax, the Kavanaugh lie, the Ukrainian absurdity, on and on. And yet, I don’t believe they took a single vote away from him. For all the king’s Stephanopouloses and all the king’s Stelters, Trump got more votes than any presidential candidate in history except Biden. And if the voters rejected him, they also rejected identity politics, anti-police activism, and the slavery of socialism. America held the line.
It was not this way in Nixon’s day. The media destroyed Nixon after turning a blind eye to JFK’s corruption. It was not this way twelve years ago when they manipulated John McCain, or eight years ago when they cowed Mitt Romney.
Part of the difference was Trump himself. He knew how to fight back. But part of the difference was us — the new media, The Daily Wire, the Blaze, OANN and the rest. For the first time — the first time in decades — our voices were competitive with theirs, our information got past even the jackboots of Jackboot Dorsey and the other social media censors. Because of us, more people saw the Left for what they are than ever before.
We reached our audience. We could not have done that twenty years ago. Now the next step is to reach their audience, to claim their audience for our own.
There are ways in which politics is like soccer — what some people call the “Beautiful Game.” The ball goes back and forth, back and forth, and no one ever seems to score a decisive goal.
So it is now. We may have lost the White House, but our lower ticket gains were substantial and auspicious. Trump has been fun. But freedom is even more fun. The fight continues — and the fight is fun.
The Beautiful Game goes on.
The views expressed in this opinion piece are the author’s own and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
The Daily Wire is one of America’s fastest-growing conservative media companies and counter-cultural outlets for news, opinion, and entertainment. Get inside access to The Daily Wire by becoming a <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/subscribe">member</a>.

American flag

KLAVAN: An American Turning Point

Conservatism

Conservative media

In 1976, Ronald Reagan lost a tough nomination battle to then sitting President Gerald Ford. It looked like Reagan was finished. He was already 65. The

https://editorial.dailywire.com/news/klavan-an-american-turning-point/

https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2020/11/4CCC5B3D-5373-4338-B45D-2AFAEB6EEDBC-1200x800.jpeg

Democrats are shocked and also appalled that Republicans will not accept Joe Biden’s defeat of the illegitimate president who illegally cheated Hillary Clinton out of her rightful victory by his conspiracy with Vladimir Putin to put an ad on Facebook.
The Democrats are demanding that the racist, fascist, sexist, homophobic, stinkpot dung-faced Republicans embrace the new spirit of unity that has arisen since Biden toppled the filthy Hitlerian dictator foisted on America by deplorable traitors whose names should be recorded to ensure they’re never able to show their faces in public.
In that same spirt of good will, the Democrats are now seeking to allay Republican suspicions of electoral fraud with a sweeping program of reforms that will guarantee no one ever questions their victories ever again.
Since we have a glorious federal system where each individual state is free to choose its own way of doing whatever Democrats tell them to, the new reforms will be applied locally until the entire voting process is so transparent you can’t even see it taking place.
For instance, one suggested reform in Chicago is that local gang members be enlisted to keep order at polling places by driving by them at intervals and in a helpful, polite way, spraying them with gunfire. Anyone who survives will then be able to freely cast their vote in whatever way the gang members tell them to.
In Philadelphia, the voters will place their vote in an adorable receptacle shaped like a Minute Man and when the Minute Man is filled, it will be demolished and use for landfill, while votes are counted in a secret location with tinfoil taped over the windows.
In Detroit, voters will be bussed to voting places, with Democrats boarding a bus marked with a D, and Republicans boarding a bus marked with a sign saying “Next Stop Tallahassee.”
With these and other reforms, Democrats hope to remove any doubts Republicans might have and those doubts that remain are sure to vanish once they reach Twitter.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/biden-forms-corona-task-force-to-marvel-at-trumps-vaccine-satire">Biden Forms Corona Task Force to Marvel at Trump’s Vaccine </a>
The Daily Wire is one of America’s fastest-growing conservative media companies and counter-cultural outlets for news, opinion, and entertainment. Get inside access to The Daily Wire by becoming a <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/subscribe">member</a>.

Biden Trump Masks

Why Won’t Republicans Accept that Biden Defeated the Illegitimate Russian Asset Masquerading as President? [Satire]

Democrats are shocked and also appalled that Republicans will not accept Joe Biden’s defeat of the illegitimate president who illegally cheated Hillary

https://editorial.dailywire.com/news/why-wont-republicans-accept-that-biden-defeated-the-illegitimate-russian-asset-masquerading-as-president-satire/

https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2020/11/Biden-Trump-Masks.jpg

President-not-quite-elect Joe Biden has announced that his first order of business is to form a Coronavirus Task Force to pretend to be doing something while the Trump administration distributes the vaccine with the help of their Project Warp Speed.
Biden is assembling a team of Very Serious Looking People to look very serious as the Trump vaccine is handed out, after which the task force will discuss the necessity of wearing the masks we no longer have to wear because under the Trump administration we’ve now developed a vaccine.
Future Former President Biden says it’s very important to continue to seem to work on the Chinese Virus because otherwise he might have to come out of the basement and then one of those scary people with microphones might ask him a difficult question, although that’s never happened before.
Wannabe President Biden said he had to continue to pretend to be very serious about the Chinese Virus because otherwise he would just have to go back to yelling slurred, incomprehensible words in the voice of an angry old man, which just makes him look silly when even he can’t understand what he’s talking about or why he’s yelling like that all the time.
The President-in-the-minds-of-the-media said, “The Chinese Flu is a major issue and if it’s not a major issue that’s a major issue. For one thing, whenever I hear the word China, my eyes light up with dollar signs because I start thinking of that great deal Hunter made with them. And for another thing, I forgot the last thing.”
Make-believe President Biden further said that now that the main issue he used to scare voters into voting for a dithering and venal old hack was being pulled out from under him by the Trump vaccine, he would have to come up with new ways to scare voters like suddenly shouting, “Look out for that spider!” or “Climate change is going to destroy the world.”
He says he’s sure he’ll think of something.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/opinion-its-none-of-your-damned-business-who-won-the-election">Opinion: It’s None of Your Damned Business Who Won the Election</a>
The Daily Wire is one of America’s fastest-growing conservative media companies and counter-cultural outlets for news, opinion, and entertainment. Get inside access to The Daily Wire by becoming a <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/subscribe">member</a>.

Pfizer

Biden Forms Corona Task Force to Marvel at Trump’s Vaccine [Satire]

President-not-quite-elect Joe Biden has announced that his first order of business is to form a Coronavirus Task Force to pretend to be doing something

https://editorial.dailywire.com/news/biden-forms-corona-task-force-to-marvel-at-trumps-vaccine-satire/

https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2020/11/Pfizer-1.jpg

If only, oh, if only there had been someone to warn us that widespread mail-in voting would lead to chaos! If only someone had told us that an unlimited reliance on absentee ballots would create an election disaster.
If only someone had said, back in August, say: “They want to send in millions and millions of ballots. And you see what’s happening… It’s going to be a catastrophe.”
And well, yes, Donald Trump did say that, repeatedly. But it was hard to hear him over all the — ahem — “fact-checking.”
Go online and Google “Trump mail-in voting.” On the first page, you’ll find: “Trump’s Repeated False Attacks on Mail-in Voting.” “How Donald Trump’s Attacks on Mail-in Voting Hurt Democracy.” “FACT CHECK: Trump Keeps Pushing Debunked Mail-In Voting Claim.” If you search for the same thing on YouTube, you will hear about Trump’s “false attacks,” his “baseless attacks,” his “dangerous attacks,” on widespread mail-in voting.
And really, how dare he disparage the glorious American tradition of widespread mail-in voting that goes all the way back to never before?
To revisit Trump’s warnings and see how they were dismissed — why, it almost makes you feel our news media is a collection of gormless and corrupt moral nincompoops bent on hiding the truth from the American people they’re meant to inform.
Of course widespread mail-in voting was a bad idea! Early voting is a bad idea. Anything likely to increase chaos and create the opportunity for fraud is a bad idea. Even if it all comes out right in the end, the losing side will never accept the result, increasing the hostility and divisions between us.
As with jobs, ISIS, Middle East peace, illegal immigration, China, NATO, regulatory overreach, taxes and who, at this point, can remember what else, Trump was once again right and our ever-so-clever corporate press was … how can I put it? Stupid? Dishonest? Dirty? Low? All of the above.
Now that the smoke is clearing, Trump, as always, has muddied the waters with hyperbolic claims that the election was stolen. Mind you, they’re hyperbolic because he doesn’t have the facts to back them yet. But that doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t true.
The fact that, as of right now, the results of the election seem split — a Trump loss but a Senate hold and pick-ups in the House — suggests to me that fraud was not decisive. If you’re a Democrat committing fraud, why not give everything to the Dems? Maybe instead, the American people rejected both the increasingly radical Democrats and the, let’s face it, exhausting President Donald.
On the other hand, maybe Trump’s right and the Dems stole what they stole. I think we’ll find out soon enough.
But this much is for sure. The people on Twitter and Facebook, on NBC, ABC, and CBS who are now censoring and dismissing Trump’s angry claims of fraud are the very same people who censored and dismissed the warnings of chaos that turned out to be completely correct. These are the same people who roiled our polity with years of stories about a Trump-Russia connection that never existed, and then suppressed information that suggests Joe Biden and his family sought to make a profit by dealing with an arm of the Chinese Communist Party. These are the people who ginned up mass hysteria over wholly unsupported charges of sexual misconduct by Brett Kavanaugh, and then buried far more credible charges against Joe Biden from Tara Reade. These are the people who carried water for a destructive impeachment over nothing anyone can remember, who let reckless jackasses come on their shows and cry “Hitler” when any Hitler worth his mustache would have had them carted away.
That sneering elitist mascot of media malfeasance Anderson Cooper says Trump is “like an obese turtle on his back, flailing in the hot sun, realizing his time is over.&#8221; What is Anderson Cooper but a shell without even a turtle in it?
Donald Trump is what he is and has been what he’s been, good and bad, but as with many other subjects, he is utterly right about this: the news media is rotten. They have betrayed every principle that makes them worth defending. If Trump has taught the GOP to treat them like the enemies of the people they are, if he has taught the people to disregard them, if he has undermined their credibility even a little, he has done this nation a great service, and God bless him for it.
The views expressed in this opinion piece are the author’s own and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
The Daily Wire is one of America’s fastest-growing conservative media companies and counter-cultural outlets for news, opinion, and entertainment. Get inside access to The Daily Wire by becoming a <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/subscribe">member</a>.

Trump

KLAVAN: If Trump Has Only Diminished The News Media, He Has Done The Nation Great Service

mail-in voting

If only, oh, if only there had been someone to warn us that widespread mail-in voting would lead to chaos! If only someone had told us that an unlimited

https://editorial.dailywire.com/news/klavan-if-trump-has-only-diminished-the-news-media-he-has-done-the-nation-great-service/

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Many people are asking where does the presidential race stand at this hour, and the answer is: Shut up, and mind your own business. Who the hell do you think you are, butting into the deep and important workings of government? Do you have any idea how complicated that is? You think it can be done by just any Tom, Dick or Harry? And don’t even get me started on women trying to figure it out.
Listen, when we said this was government of the people we didn’t mean just any people. We meant the right people. Experts. People who went to good schools and wear nice suits and dockers with no socks on.
Just because you got out of bed this morning, looked down and happened to find your feet standing in the freest constitutional republic on the face of the earth, that doesn’t mean you can just go swaggering around behaving like you’re in the freest constitutional republic on the face of the earth. That’s more, like, just kind of a brand name.
You can rest assured that behind the cardboard partitions we’ve pasted over the government buildings so no one can see in, we are counting these votes in the most honest possible way we can to get the best outcome.
The secretary of states who are handling the task are some of our finest. You can rest assured that these people will not stop counting the votes they accidentally left in the trunks of their cars until Joe Biden is president — or lunchtime, whichever gives the best value for the dollar.
So look, you went out, you waited on line, you voted — now let us do the work we need to do to fix things up again. There’s a reason they call us public servants. It’s because the public are our servants. At least, I always thought that’s what it meant.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/examining-the-causes-of-the-deep-division-between-americans-and-democrats-satire">Examining the Causes of the Deep Division Between Americans and Democrats</a>
The Daily Wire is one of America’s fastest-growing conservative media companies and counter-cultural outlets for news, opinion, and entertainment. Get inside access to The Daily Wire by becoming a <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/subscribe">member</a>.

Count Every Vote

Opinion: It’s None of Your Damned Business Who Won the Election

Many people are asking where does the presidential race stand at this hour, and the answer is: Shut up, and mind your own business. Who the hell do you

https://editorial.dailywire.com/news/opinion-its-none-of-your-damned-business-who-won-the-election/

https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2020/11/Count-Every-Vote.jpg

As Election Day finally arrives, Americans look forward once again to the majestic panorama of American democracy, in which men and women gather peacefully to choose their leaders while radical leftists burn their cities to the ground all around them.
With our culture so divided between those conservatives who wish to protect our constitutional norms and processes and those homunculi hiding behind masks while they terrorize citizens, destroy property and loot goods before voting for Democrats, we would like to begin a deep and profound examination at the causes of our division.
But who has time for that?
So instead let’s just speculate recklessly on what has so divided Americans from Democrats.
Some people feel the increasing leftist bias of every elite communications outlet has deepened the natural hostility between Republicans and violent buffoons and that the professors in our academies are know-nothing nincompoops who spread the toxin of Socialism to young people left ignorant by lower schools run by rabid radicals more bent on teaching genderless perversity than history, science and math so that they turn out brainless journalists who not only magnify anonymous lies against patriots but cover up any truth that may reveal the left to be the mean, ugly, dishonest pile of steaming horse manure that has transformed our entertainers into humorless propaganda spewing zombies cursing the very society that has elevated them to the highest levels on the basis of good looks and a dash of talent so small it would be totally invisible if we weren’t drawn to stare at the pornographic self-displays that have corrupted our youth and degraded our national conversation until we are no longer able to fulfill the basic duties of a free society but are tempted to languish in mind-numbing hedonism while a small band of over-credentialed morons turn our cities into gigantic trash heaps of homelessness and poverty.
And some people think there’s some other problem. I’m not sure what. Maybe video games.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/social-media-to-introduce-new-fact-check-measures-that-make-it-impossible-to-find-out-how-incredibly-corrupt-joe-biden-is-satire">Social Media To Introduce New Fact-Check Measures That Make It Impossible To Find Out How Incredibly Corrupt Joe Biden Is</a>
The Daily Wire is one of America’s fastest-growing conservative media companies and counter-cultural outlets for news, opinion, and entertainment. Get inside access to The Daily Wire by becoming a <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/subscribe">member</a>.

Daily Protests In Portland Continue Into Third Month

Examining the Causes of the Deep Division Between Americans and Democrats [Satire]

As Election Day finally arrives, Americans look forward once again to the majestic panorama of American democracy, in which men and women gather

https://editorial.dailywire.com/news/examining-the-causes-of-the-deep-division-between-americans-and-democrats-satire/

https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2020/09/Porltand-1200x800.jpg

One of the most poignant stories in the Bible is in the first book of Samuel. The Israelites have been living in the promised land as free men and women. Strong leaders rise up when they’re needed. Prophets guide them in the ways of the Lord.
But when the sons of the prophet Samuel become corrupt, the elders go to Samuel and ask him to appoint a king to lead them. He tries to dissuade them. “A King will make servants of your sons and daughters and take the best of your wealth to give to his advisors,” he says.
But the elders insist. “We want a king over us. Then we will be like all the other nations.”
When Samuel prays, God tells him, “It’s not you they are rejecting. They are rejecting me. Give them their king.”
To me, the story reads like a second Fall of Man. It’s as if the first Fall has impressed its pattern on the soul of humanity. People are compelled to re-enact it in various forms just as people often re-enact their childhood traumas.
I hear that trauma being re-enacted now as the Left cries for the end of American freedom. “Let judges make our laws. Let the deep state enforce them as they will. Let government and big business silence the voices of our opponents. Let governors choose who can speak safely: yes, for rioters; no for worshippers. Let them tell us how to cower behind our masks. Then we will be like all the other nations.”
I voted for Donald Trump in 2016 with a shrug of tragic resignation. I thought a battle between him and Hillary was like one of those old Japanese monster movies—“Mothra vs Godzilla,” say. You’re sort of rooting for one monster over the other, but either way Tokyo gets destroyed. I figured if this was the end of the republic, better a loud mouth with some practical instincts in the White House than a corrupt jade with no feel for the best traditions of the country.
It turned out I was wrong. Trump was much better than that. He allowed all of his personal flaws—his rudeness, his ignorance, his moral corner-cutting—to be contained within the structures of our constitutional system. His virtues—his fix-it practicality, his contrarian common sense, his visceral love of America—were turned by incident and instinct to the values that preserve our freedom.
He has curtailed the reach of government by cutting regulations and appointing constitutional judges. He has beaten back the globalizing rush of the elites, which would transfer power from the people’s representatives to world organizations without our values. He has refused the panicked calls to abandon federalism and create new bureaucratic structures to handle a pandemic better handled by each state. He has defended the rights to speak, worship, and bear arms. The Left keeps calling him an authoritarian. I do not think that word means what they think it means.
Meanwhile, the Left has become what they accuse everyone else of being. They are tyrants. They are racists. They want to dismantle the systems that protect our liberty. Their cities are awash in homelessness, poverty, crime, and mass violence—and yet they believe so completely that they deserve power, they cannot imagine a scenario in which their defeat is legal and legitimate. Everyone who opposes them is hateful. Every political loss they suffer is a flaw in the system.
What’s more—they behave like trash. It isn’t often you find wisdom on the anti-free speech platform Twitter, but there was some this week. Rabbi David Wolpe—a Democrat, I believe—was talking about how to react to the outcome of the election: “What you believe is judged in part by what your beliefs have made of you.” I know this is wisdom because I’ve said the same thing many times myself. I rest my case.
And look at what the Left’s beliefs have made of them. Their journalists lie and cover up. Their activists are violent. Their women sit in cars and film themselves screaming like banshees. Their men renounce their manhood.
I will be voting for Donald Trump again on Tuesday—but this time with exuberance and joy. If the republic is in the late stages of its life, it’s not the fault of his faults. And if it lives another generation, it may well be by virtue of his virtues.
I don’t want America to be like other nations. I don’t want a government that rules me like a king. I don’t want to reject the God who made me free.
I don’t know if Trump can pull off another miraculous victory, but this time, I’ll be rooting for him all the way.
The views expressed in this opinion piece are the author’s own and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
The Daily Wire is one of America’s fastest-growing conservative media companies and counter-cultural outlets for news, opinion, and entertainment. Get inside access to The Daily Wire by becoming a <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/subscribe">member</a>.

KLAVAN: Voting For Trump With Joy

One of the most poignant stories in the Bible is in the first book of Samuel. The Israelites have been living in the promised land as free men and women.

https://editorial.dailywire.com/news/klavan-voting-for-trump-with-joy/

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Social media platforms are introducing new rules to fight disinformation.
For instance from now on, when a verified email from Hunter Biden reveals that Hunter was receiving money from Chinese Communist tyrants and then sleeping with prostitutes while simultaneously stuffing bills of large denominations into Joe Biden’s pockets while Joe was still vice president, allegedly, Twitter will automatically translate the text of the email into Russian to indicate that this is disinformation and therefore incomprehensible to anyone who can’t read the Cyrillic alphabet.
Likewise, if a new video comes to light showing Joe Biden walking around in circles singing “Show Me the Way to Go Home,” while wearing a paper hat with the words “Tippecanoe and Tyler too,” scrawled on it in blue crayon, Facebook will helpfully replace that video with a video of Brain Stelter walking around in circles making up reasonable explanations for why Joe Biden was walking around in circles.
From now on, when you search for the words “Joe Biden is corrupt and has dementia,” Google will reply by telling you the chief export of Bolivia, which is tin, or possibly the population of Venezuela, which is also tin, since all the real people starved to death because of socialism.
When you search for the word socialism, Google will reply with a picture of happy children laughing in a beautiful green field, also made of tin.
Finally, if by some extraordinary effort of will, you drive down to the newsstand and buy a copy of a printed newspaper from 1988, and thus manage to discover that Joe Biden has always been corrupt and indeed so stupid that the difference between his normal state and dementia is almost impossible to discern, Jack Dorsey will come to your house in person and wrestle the paper out of your hands, screaming, “Stop reading this, so we can have globalism and I can get even richer than I am today while you starve!”
After the election next Tuesday, everything will of course return to normal.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/biden-reassures-his-imaginary-supporters-that-ball-of-fire-hovering-over-his-house-should-sink-into-pacific-by-nightfall-satire">Biden Reassures His Imaginary Supporters That Ball Of Fire Hovering Over His House Should Sink Into Pacific By Nightfall</a>
The Daily Wire is one of America’s fastest-growing conservative media companies and counter-cultural outlets for news, opinion, and entertainment. Get inside access to The Daily Wire by becoming a <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/subscribe">member</a>.

Joe Biden Twitter

Social Media To Introduce New Fact-Check Measures That Make It Impossible To Find Out How Incredibly Corrupt Joe Biden Is [Satire]

Social media platforms are introducing new rules to fight disinformation. For instance from now on, when a verified email from Hunter Biden reveals that

https://editorial.dailywire.com/news/social-media-to-introduce-new-fact-check-measures-that-make-it-impossible-to-find-out-how-incredibly-corrupt-joe-biden-is-satire/

https://dw-wp-production.imgix.net/2020/10/Joe-Biden-Twitter.jpg

2020 turned out to have one more big surprise up its sleeve yesterday: Joe Biden left his basement.
After being ridiculed about hiding away by President Donald Trump, Biden emerged to announce that he had all the while been working twelve hour days, and each one of the twelve had been a backbreaking hour indeed.
The former vice president said he was pleased to be greeted by so many imaginary supporters and intended to shake each and every one of them by the hand before imagining some more.
Then, in a speech made to the cheering crowd in his head, he reassured the pretend people that the frightening yellow ball of fire that had been hovering over his house all afternoon was likely to sink into the Pacific and extinguish itself right around nightfall.
Biden said that the only reason he had not come out of the basement sooner was because he was preparing for the second debate.
He said he hoped he had won the debate, and only wished he could have been there when he did, but he had to stay home and prepare.
Biden said he was further delighted to find that George, his imaginary opponent in the presidential race, already seemed to have resigned his office, although George had been replaced by Donald Trump, who also seemed quite formidable.
Biden said he was considering re-imagining Trump as smaller and less intimidating.
Now that he was out of the basement, Biden said he was looking forward to voting in the next election just as soon as he found out who was running and which candidate he wanted to support.
When told that, in fact, he was running against Donald Trump, Biden said that was disappointing because he hadn’t wanted to vote for Trump but now felt he had no choice.
Before returning to his basement, Biden announced that after consulting with a team of scientists and other experts, he could now confirm he had seen his shadow and there would be six more weeks of Winter.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/man-who-used-to-be-joe-biden-says-hell-appoint-commission-to-get-out-of-admitting-hell-pack-supreme-court">Man Who Used To Be Joe Biden Says He’ll Appoint Commission To Get Out Of Admitting He’ll Pack Supreme Court</a>
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Ball of Fire

Biden Reassures His Imaginary Supporters That Ball Of Fire Hovering Over His House Should Sink Into Pacific By Nightfall [Satire]

2020 turned out to have one more big surprise up its sleeve yesterday: Joe Biden left his basement. After being ridiculed about hiding away by President

https://editorial.dailywire.com/news/biden-reassures-his-imaginary-supporters-that-ball-of-fire-hovering-over-his-house-should-sink-into-pacific-by-nightfall-satire/

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I am, by nature and philosophy, a sexual libertarian. If you’re an adult, acting in private without harm and with consent, I could not care less what kinky little fetish turns you on. It’s truly none of my business.
But then there’s Jeffrey Toobin. Toobin is — or maybe was — a New Yorker writer and CNN legal analyst. He has spent the last four years doing almost nothing but attacking Donald Trump. President Trump just doesn’t live up to Toobin’s moral standards.
“His complete disregard for norms. His constant lying. His inability or unwillingness to play by rules that Democrats and Republicans have played by for certainly all of my conscious life. It makes everything about these last three and a half years just feel different than anything I’ve ever covered,” he once said.
He was flogging a book then, but this week, during a Zoom call with the New Yorker, he was caught onscreen flogging something else entirely.
Toobin already exposed himself as an unsavory character ten years ago when he impregnated what was apparently one of several of his extra-marital mistresses, and then tried to stiff her on child support.
But that’s something any jag-off might do. Actually jagging off during an online business call — that’s something else. That’s deviant and abusive, a high-level act of sexual harassment.
Toobin was immediately suspended from the New Yorker, but CNN was slower to act. Why should they act? Wanking on camera is what CNN commentators do. It’s practically their job description. And it’s not just them either. As Election Day approaches, virtually the entire Democrat establishment and its poodle press are involved in one gigantic circle jerk, pleasuring themselves and each other while lost in a pornographic dream of destroying Donald Trump.
They are all doing the Toobin right there in front of us.
The New York Times, a former newspaper, ran an entire Sunday section denouncing the president.
“Donald Trump’s re-election campaign poses the greatest threat to American Democracy since World War II,” the paper Toobin-ed.
And I mean: srsly? There was Hitler’s War Machine, and then The Donald? No Cold War? No Cuban Missile Crisis? No Islamist Terror? Just Trump. And what makes Trump such a threat exactly?
“As the world runs out of time to confront climate change, Mr. Trump has denied the need for action… He has mounted a cruel crackdown on both legal and illegal immigration… he has sought to persuade both Congress and the courts to get rid of the Affordable Care Act…” and so on.
He disagrees with the Times, in other words. I am literally shivering in my literal shoes.
Times Editorial Board Member Mara Gay went on MSNBC to explain: “When The New York Times endorsed Joe Biden, we didn&#8217;t do it because The New York Times is a partisan newspaper. We&#8217;re actually not partisan… This is really about right and wrong and saving the soul of the nation.”
We’re not partisan. We’re just saving the nation from people with different opinions than ours. If that’s not an exercise in Jeffrey Toobin-ing, I don’t know what is.
“Donald Trump threatens the existence of human life — of all life on this planet,” Elizabeth Warren toobin-ed.
“If the president had done his job&#8230;  all the people would still be alive,&#8221; toobin-ed what used to be Joe Biden.
Trump can be rude and crude and bumptious, I’ll admit, but it isn’t that that has led an entire class of Americans into O-faced cries of ecstatic hatred.
No. Donald Trump is a threat, but not to American democracy. He’s a threat to a two-party system that has become, as the youngsters say, an op: a simulation of democracy in which both parties do almost nothing but pass around an ever-fattening public purse. The new revelations of Joe Biden’s probable participation in his son’s influence peddling show Joe to be a veritable poster boy of exactly what the people were protesting when they voted Trump in. Drain the swamp, they said. Biden is Swamp Thing.
And sure, Trump is an imperfect vessel of reform. But show me another as willing to brave the slings and arrows of our corrupt media and do what the people want to see done — namely give them a government that serves them instead of playing with itself.
Jeffrey Toobin is deviant and disgusting, but no more than the rest of the media and the party they serve. He was doing exactly what they’re doing. He was just a little bit more honest about it.
The views expressed in this opinion piece are the author’s own and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
The Daily Wire is one of America’s fastest-growing conservative media companies and counter-cultural outlets for news, opinion, and entertainment. Get inside access to The Daily Wire by becoming a <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/subscribe">member</a>.

Jeffrey Toobin

KLAVAN: Doing The Toobin

I am, by nature and philosophy, a sexual libertarian. If you’re an adult, acting in private without harm and with consent, I could not care less what

https://editorial.dailywire.com/news/klavan-doing-the-toobin/

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Andrew Klavan