The following is satirical.
All the internet is asking today: “Did Eric Swalwell pass gas on MSNBC last night?”
Also “Who is Eric Swalwell?” “What is MSNBC?” “Did you have absolutely nothing else to do last night?” and “Really, can’t you read a book or at least an interesting article or even the back of a cereal box instead of allowing the precious seconds of your one and only existence on this earth dissolve into nothingness while you watch Eric Swalwell pass gas on MSNBC?”
The questions arose after Swalwell appeared on &#8220;Hardball with Chris Matthews&#8221; and apparently went from metaphorically talking out of his ass to the real thing.
Twitter users immediately began trying to determine whether this was indeed a case of public flatulence or just the usual MSNBC content or the latest Democrat talking point or a new Elizabeth Warren story about her past or some other rude noise accompanied by a dreadful smell.
The Swalwell eructation controversy was soon trending on Twitter along with other trivial matters of absolutely no interest like International Men’s Day, the designer of Kate Middleton’s lace dress, what your zodiac sign says about your core values and the House impeachment hearings.
ABC News led with the flatulence story, issuing a new poll that said 100% of ABC viewers were not hearing news about ABC’s massive cover-up of Jeffrey Epstein’s reign of sexual terror and how the Epstein story may have been quashed to protect Hillary Clinton’s 2016 presidential campaign and how that would bring suspicion on ABC anchor George Stephanopoulos, who not only helped Bill Clinton’s campaign bury charges of sexual abuse but also attended Epstein’s party after he became a convicted sexual felon and now back to the fart story.
The Democrat National Committee, meanwhile, tried to distance itself from the incident by issuing a statement saying they had no idea who Swalwell was. When someone explained Swalwell was a Democrat congressman, the Committee said they still had no idea who he was, but what was that awful smell?
Related: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/eric-swalwells-fartgate-continues-msnbcs-hardball-issues-statement-to-conspiracy-theorists">Eric Swalwell’s ‘Fartgate’ Continues: MSNBC’s ‘Hardball’ Issues Statement To ‘Conspiracy Theorists’</a>

Eric Swalwell

Swalwell Claims Apparent Flatulence Was Actually A Democrat Talking Point [Satire]

Satire

The following is satirical.
Adam Schiff, the Chairman of the House Impeachment and Other Charades Committee, has announced a change of rules in the proceedings. After Friday’s hearing at which Congresswoman Elise Stefanik gutted several of Schiff’s witnesses and challenged Schiff’s rulings so that Schiff’s eyes swelled up until he looked like Jim Carrey in the clock scene from The Mask, Schiff checked his copy of “Robert’s Rules of Order” and found that in technical, Parliamentary terms he had been “beaten up by a girl” or “owned like a b*tch” and felt the committee needed a new direction to prevent that from happening again.
Schiff announced that from now on, all hearings will be held in his treehouse, and no girls will be allowed. In the event, a girl bakes brownies, said girl will be allowed to push a plate of said brownies up through the treehouse trap door, and then run away before anyone catches her cooties.
In future hearings, Schiff will wear the paper king hat he got in a popper at last year’s Congressional Christmas party, and when he walks into the room everyone will have to bow down to him and say, “Oh, King Schiff, you are so great and everyone loves you so much,” and make kissing noises as he walks by and no laughing or making faces after he’s gone like last time.
In previous hearings, committee members were allowed to raise points of order to question rules violations, but from now on, any Republican who raises a point of order will be called a poop head and will have to wear a sign saying “I Am A Poop Head,” for the rest of his life.
Finally, at the end of the hearing, everyone will applaud and say what a good hearing it was thanks to King Adam Schiff and then make more kissing noises.
The next hearing is scheduled to take place in Adam Schiff’s imagination, just like Trump’s impeachable offenses.

No Girls Allowed Sign

Schiff Imposes &#8216;No Girls Allowed&#8217; Rule to Keep From Getting Stefanik&#8217;s Cooties [Satire]

Adam Schiff

Impeachment

Rep. Elise Stefanik

It seems to me the left is now using absurdity as a strategy. I don’t know if they are doing this on purpose or by instinct or if they have simply become absurd and it sometimes helps their cause, but there is no question that the very stupidity of the things the left says and does makes it difficult to argue with them.
If someone makes claims about gun violence, say, or male-female differences, there’s a discussion to be had. Facts can be introduced, interpretations can be compared, reality can be examined, and opinions can reasonably take shape. But if you say a man can have a period or mathematics is a plot by white supremacists, there is no useful response beyond gobsmacked silence. To argue at all is to elevate gobbledegook to a level of discussion it simply doesn’t deserve.
This is how I feel about the impeachment hearings — about the entire impeachment process now underway. Even to discuss the business is to dignify it beyond its worth. Men have periods, mathematics is bigotry and Trump should be impeached for his Ukraine dealings are all, as far as I can see, claims on the same level of seriousness. The only reasonable answer is something on the order of: “R U OK?”
As investigative reporter Sharyl Attkisson recently demonstrated, a timeline can easily be produced strongly suggesting these hearings are the result of efforts begun before Trump was even elected. It was in August of 2016, that FBI Trump hater Peter Strzok told his FBI paramour Lisa Paige that they needed an “insurance policy” against a possible Trump victory. It was a few months after that when the Bureau began bugging and spying on the Trump campaign, pushed by CIA Chief John Brennan. Only days after Trump’s election, attorney Mark Zaid — who now represents the so-called whistleblower in the Ukraine kerfuffle — announced on Twitter that a “coup has started.” He later predicted CNN would play a “key role,” which, of course, with the help of untrustworthy deep staters like Brennan and James Clapper, it has.
While the Democrats peddled disinformation from Russia in the Steele Dossier, and sought anti-Trump dirt from Ukraine — including that time Adam Schiff tried to secure non-existent nude pictures of the president from a faux-Ukrainian troll — they projected their own behavior on Trump with charges of Russian collusion.
When that whole tale blew up in the Democrats’ faces, they seamlessly moved on to ridiculous claims of obstruction of justice or tax evasion or, basically, whatever they could think of. And when none of those charges stuck, they came up with this: a charge that Trump would not give aid to Ukraine unless they investigated political rival Joe Biden.
Only it never happened. Trump delayed the aid a bit — as he is wont; he doesn’t like foreign aid on principle — but then he sent it on without any investigation taking place. There was no quid for the quo. There’s nothing to testify to. The hearings consist of a bunch of disgruntled career bureaucrats who don’t like Trump or his foreign policy and who make grumpy surmises about the president’s motives on the basis of conversations they heard third-hand.
And as if all this weren’t nonsensical enough, we have Democrat press hacks like Norah O’Donnell at CBS and Chuck Todd at NBC throwing off their already shredded masks of objectivity to tell us that the latest tidbit of useless hearsay is a bombshell, devastating, explosive, the last nail in the coffin, a tipping point, the walls closing in, the beginning of the end. They could save themselves the trouble and just replay their irresponsible coverage of the Russia hoax.
But the very fact that all this is so absurd is, in some ways, it’s greatest strength. Even as we debunk it, we suggest it’s worth talking about, we dignify it by giving it attention it in no way deserves.
And yet we must. That’s the Democrats’ one advantage. It’s the news. We have to talk about it.
Even so, even as I write, it’s like talking about an adolescent who claims he’s an adult or, indeed, about a man who claims he’s a woman. After a brief snort of disbelief, what is there, really, to say?

KLAVAN: The Absurdity Of The Impeachment Narrative Is Its Only Strength

Donald Trump

The following is satirical.
It was a dramatic first day of impeachment hearings watched by everyone who wasn’t otherwise busy picking their noses or bleaching their unmentionable parts.
Eager to get off to a powerful start that would bring forward their best anti-Trump testimony, Democrats introduced their star witness, Alexa, the electronic information assistant from Amazon.
Committee Chairman Adam “Googly-eyes” Schiff, started the questioning, saying, “Alexa, did the president demand a quid pro quo from Ukraine?”
Alexa answered, “A man passing the White House Tuesday overheard a guard in the sidewalk booth speaking on the phone to his mother and saying he had met a janitor who said he was cleaning an office in the West Wing when he saw an assistant to an aide in the press department texting a disgruntled former employee of the State Department who said he was willing to bet that old meanie Trump would do anything to bring down Joe Biden who will be a terrific threat to him in the 2020 election if he can ever complete an English sentence without his teeth falling out and his eye exploding. That text was recorded by Facebook who is spying on everyone and recorded by myself who’s spying on Facebook, which is how I know Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself.”
On hearing the news, CBS anchorwoman Norah O’Donnell immediately assumed a fake-looking action pose and announced the testimony had been “a devastating bombshell that would have been the last nail in the coffin if it hadn’t been so explosive it blew the lid off the coffin causing the walls to close in at the beginning of the end of a tipping point of a coffin bombshell exploding in the devastating closing walls.”
After that, O’Donnell fell to the studio floor sobbing, “I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. Please someone help me.”
Testimony will continue Friday and Democrats say they hope they can tell a powerful and simple story preferably ending with a kiss under the Christmas tree because those stories are just the best.
Related: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/watch-ratcliffe-to-impeachment-witness-here-are-all-the-times-ukraines-president-said-there-was-no-quid-pro-quo">WATCH: Impeachment Witness Asked About All The Times Ukraine’s President Said There Was ‘No Quid Pro Quo’</a>

Amazon Alexa

Democrat Star Witness Alexa Testifies In Human-Sounding Voice [Satire]

Amazon

The following is satirical.
There seems to be some confusion in the media about the difference between the Right and the Alt-Right. For instance, the Alt-Right is famously anti-Semitic and yet The New York Times, a former newspaper, has associated them with Orthodox Jew Ben Shapiro in such sentences as, “Ben Shapiro is Alt-Right, and if you believe that, we have a yarn about Trump colluding with the Russians you’re really going to love, you sucker.” I guess the New York Times isn’t even pretending anymore.
In any case, as a public service to the Times and other dishonest organs of misinformation strangling on their hatred of ordinary people’s freedom, here is a handy guide on how to distinguish between right-wingers, who believe in the noble concepts of liberty handed down to us by our forefathers, and Alt-Righters, who are sniggering little femboys spewing hatred on YouTube. It’s a subtle distinction but with a little help, even the New York Times might figure it out.
One. Real right-wingers come in all different skin colors and religions and no religion and various sexualities and also include a startling number of women who somehow manage to be extremely intelligent and also smoking hot, which is an amazing side benefit of the whole movement.
Alt-Righters have never been with a woman because they hate everybody who doesn’t look like them, and, I mean, look at them.
Two. Real right-wingers believe in ordered liberty as established over centuries of western history and enshrined in the Constitution.
Alt-Righters don’t even believe the Holocaust happened, so they’re evil melonheads.
Three. Real right-wingers believe in essentially Christian principles, like a fallen humanity made in the image of God and therefore deserving of equality and freedom.
Alt-Righters express their &#8220;Christian principles&#8221; by waving rosaries at people, then doing absolutely nothing they were commanded to do by Jesus, because they found out he was a Jew.
I hope this handy guide will help the media either distinguish between right-wingers and Alt-Right-wingers, or get stuffed.
Related: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/watch-shapiro-dismantles-the-alt-right-and-radical-lefts-dangerous-game">WATCH: Shapiro Dismantles The Alt-Right And Radical Left’s ‘Dangerous Game’</a>

New York Times

A Media Guide For Distinguishing Conservatives From Alt-Right Lunatics [Satire]

Alt-Right

Anti-Semitism

Ben Shapiro

Conservatism

The following is satirical.
It was a wonderful Veterans Day at colleges around the country. Students gathered around the Veterans Tree singing old Veterans Carols like “I Hope I Don’t Get Killed Defending the Rights of People Who Don’t Even Appreciate those Rights, Fa la la la la.”
College students were taught special Veterans Day lessons. For instance, some young people were startled to learn there were other ways to be a hero than screaming at someone on Twitter — although some of those other ways sounded kind of dangerous, so maybe it’s best to keep your heroism confined to Social Media for now.
After all, what’s the point of getting wounded over things like the First Amendment when free speech just lets you say upsetting stuff? And why on earth would you risk getting killed over freedom of religion when God is so mean to gay people? And, of course, getting shot over the right to bear arms is crazy since, once guns are banned, no one will have to get shot at all.
College students were also surprised to learn about such Veterans Day subjects as World War II, where race-obsessed, anti-Jewish, big government supporters who called themselves National Socialists somehow turned out to be the bad guys. How weird is that? Today, anyone who isn’t a race-obsessed anti-Jewish big government national socialist is worse than Hitler.
But then World War II was in the old days when Hitler wasn’t Donald Trump but instead was Hitler, and you couldn’t even call him Hitler on TV because he would kill you because he was Hitler instead of Donald Trump, which is just plain confusing.
Although sometimes, it’s true, soldiers do bad things like shooting &#8220;austere religious scholars,&#8221; mostly college students enjoyed Veterans Day because they got a holiday from gender studies class and could stay in their dorm rooms watching porn instead and wishing they could ask someone on a date without getting expelled. And isn’t that the American life our veterans fought so hard to preserve?
Related: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/58280">Washington Post Changes Headline About Terrorist Leader’s Death, Calling Him An ‘Austere Religious Scholar’</a>

U.S. Flag F-35 Fighter

College Students Learn How Veterans Fought For Dumb Stuff Like Rights [Satire]

Education

Veterans

The following is satirical.
This weekend, Germans celebrated the thirty year anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. The wall divided the German capital between a thriving, free, capitalist West Berlin and an East Berlin so mired in poverty, lack of services and government oppression that it was almost as bad as living in California.
The wall was built in 1961 when the Soviet socialists who ruled East Germany realized that if they taxed people at the levels proposed by Elizabeth Warren, those people would leave and take their wealth and productivity elsewhere. But the socialists had a plan for that, namely anyone who tried to leave would be shot dead.
This policy continued through 1988, when Bernie Sanders honeymooned among the Soviets. So as Berliners celebrate the fall of the wall, perhaps they should also remember the good times, like when Bernie sat bare-chested with their Soviet oppressors and sang, “This land is your land, and so is Po-land, and so is Czechoslovakia and so is Hungary and so is East Germany and &#8230;” Well, you know, the rest of the lyrics.
On a side note, Bernie returned from his visit to the Soviets and said of the USSR and the U.S. &#8212; and this is a real quote: “Let’s take the strengths of both systems. Let’s learn from each other.”
Which would’ve made for an interesting country seeing as the strengths of the U.S. are freedom and capitalism, and the strengths of the Soviet Union were socialism and its necessary results: poverty, oppression, slavery and mass murder.
The Berlin Wall finally collapsed when the Soviets were confronted by Ronald Reagan, a freedom-loving president the American press hated so much they attacked him constantly and even tried to organize his impeachment. Thank heavens, that couldn’t happen today.
In fact, as we celebrate the fall of the Berlin Wall, it’s nice to know that we have learned so much about the evils of socialism, it has been relegated to the dustbin of history — and the Democrat Party platform.

Berlin Wall Monument

Germans Celebrate 30-Year Anniversary of End of Democrat Party Policies [Satire]

Bernie Sanders

Communism

Democratic Party

Democratic Socialism

Russia

Socialism

Soviet Union

This week I delivered a speech at Boston College. The subject was the way in which leftists manipulate people’s minds. They teach them that disagreement is hatred so that they will not listen to the opposition. Thus they transform those who follow them into raging idiots — raging because they see hate-filled enemies everywhere, idiots because they never have to test their ideas in honest discussion with those who see things differently.
As I spoke, a mob — the police told me there were over a hundred people — gathered outside, pounding on the walls and screaming slogans. When the protestors tried to storm the door, I caught glimpses of their faces, twisted in white-eyed rage. They were trying to disrupt my talk but in fact they were illustrating it, proving my point.
This is a terrible thing the academic left does to our young people: transforming them into the zombie enforcers of their fierce miscreed. And what the left does to them, it would do to all of us. They are using their virtual monopoly on the means of communication — the news, social and entertainment media along with the academies — to assault our minds. And their weapon of choice is words.
My trollish young friend and colleague Michael Knowles sometimes gives a speech called “A Man is Not A Woman.” The protestors show up for that too and rage at him too. But of course a man is not a woman. A man can never be a woman, because man is a word and woman is a word and the words refer to two different things. Different things can’t be the same because different is a word and same is a word and they have opposite meanings.
The mob at my speech was incited by a newspaper article that called me Islamophobic.  But phobic is a word meaning beset by irrational fear. I have no irrational fear of Islam. I have questions about whether some tenets of Islamic thought have led to the oppression and violence rampant in the Islamic world today. There is nothing irrational — or hateful — about that.
I believe it is a good thing that gay people can now live their lives unafraid of the law and I encourage them to engage in long-term, committed, faithful relationships. But do I think that’s marriage? No, because marriage is a word, it has a meaning, and that’s not what it is.
This may seem like some abstruse, obscure theoretical consideration, but is it? The Supreme Court is now considering a number of cases in which plaintiffs are seeking to redefine the word sex in anti-discrimination law to include homosexuality and transgenderism. But if the court can redefine words to mean something other than what they meant to the legislators who made the law, what power do the legislators have? If the court can change the meaning of so basic a word as sex, it can redefine anything to mean anything and no law is safe from being rewritten to suit elite prejudices.
Likewise, those who seek to force us through law or social shame or censorship to use the pronouns they prefer are really seeking to force us to describe reality as they wish it were, rather than as we see it to be. Anyone who has that power over you has turned you into his mental slave.
The freedom we have, the justice we seek, are based on concepts that were handed down to us by our founders — written down for us in words. In order to continue free, in order to become more just, we must continue to reason within those traditions. In order to reason and communicate our reasoning, we must use words — words with agreed-upon meanings.
And yet whenever we try to describe the world as it is, the left cries out that such language is violence. It’s not though — because language is a word and violence is a word and they do not mean the same thing.
The left’s war on the west is a war of words and a war on words. Our best weapon in such a war is the truth. We must speak it plainly.

Protest in City

KLAVAN: We Are In A War Of Words

Free Speech

Political Correctness

The following is satirical.
Since James O’Keefe’s Project Veritas revealed a video showing that ABC News killed the Jeffrey Epstein story three years ago, ABC News has issued a statement in its own defense. The statement was released by an ABC executive wearing a raincoat and nothing else and was delivered to several female members of the press when he opened the raincoat to reveal that he was holding the statement in his hand and didn’t need to open the raincoat but just thought the ladies would get a kick out of seeing the very special thing he was hiding inside.
The statement reads, “We at ABC News are committed to the highest level of journalism we can achieve without exposing Democrats who rape little girls. In this case, any serious student of journalism will understand that this story came to us while Hillary Clinton was running for president, and it was far more important that we protect Bill Clinton from being accused of statutory rape, than that we protect young women from being enslaved and abused by a predator linked to every powerful man on earth, including the royal family — speaking of which, Duchess Kate Middleton is sporting an all new collegiate look this winter and we’ll be leading with that story instead of this one because, after all, we’re ABC News.
&#8220;And while it’s true we may have covered up for a monster, leaving his victims to suffer at his hands, while the rich and powerful used them at will for their own pleasure, it’s not like we didn’t report on other incidents of sexual predation, like that time we reported how Brett Kavanaugh left a trail of murdered women wherever he spread his reign of terror according to anonymous sources who had even more anonymous sources living inside their heads who also told them about the Martian invasion, which we’ll be reporting on instead of this because, after all, we’re ABC News.
&#8220;The important thing is that eventually the guilty were punished because, after all, Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself.&#8221;
Related: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/medias-janitor-cnns-stelter-defends-abc-over-epstein-scandal">‘MEDIA’S JANITOR’: CNN’s Stelter Defends ABC Over Epstein Scandal</a>

Jeffrey Epstein Protesters

ABC News Kills Story About How ABC News Killed Story [Satire]

ABC News

Bill Clinton

Jeffrey Epstein

The following is satirical.
Elizabeth Warren has released details of her health care plan. The plan, entitled “Pay Now, Die Later,” is estimated to cost $56 billion in added expenses, but Warren says that will be paid for with a tax on billionaires as soon as they return from their tax-free retreats in the Cayman Islands.
Warren says not a single penny of the plan will be paid for by the middle class because we’re all in this together and no one will be left behind and it’s time to make a difference and, yeah, the middle class will basically be taxed out of existence paying for the whole thing.
On the positive side, Warren says that, under her plan, instead of being ripped off by private insurance companies who take your money and then fail to pay when catastrophic illness strikes, you’ll be ripped off by the United States Government who’ll take your money and then turn every hospital into a cross between the VA and the DMV so that you wait in line so long you finally beg to die, whereupon they kill you and congratulate themselves on their fast, efficient service. After all, Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself.
What’s more, the Warren plan will increase the efficiency of doctors by bathing them in magic efficiency dust which will cause them to forget they have no reason to be more efficient because the government will pay them the same thing no matter what. Plus, everyone will be healthier because of public service announcements telling them not to eat eggs until we find out eggs are good for you when there will be announcements telling you to eat eggs, but too late, since you’ve already died from too few eggs, thus saving government money and providing a much-needed tax break to the middle class who did I mention will be paying for the whole thing.
When asked what will happen to the millions of people currently employed in the insurance industry, Warren said none of them would suffer, but would instead be put painlessly to sleep like everyone else on government health care.
Related: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/klavan-nyt-columnist-calls-collapse-of-american-christianty-overstated-hes-got-a-point">KLAVAN: NYT Columnist Calls ‘Collapse’ Of American Christianity ‘Overstated.’ He’s Got A Point.</a>

Elizabeth Warren

Elizabeth Warren Delights Democrats With Hilarious New Health Plan [Satire]

Health Care

The following is satirical.
Beto O’Rourke has dropped out of the 2020 presidential race.
The man who once said he was born to run for president, discovered that, in fact, he was born to run for president, then sink lower and lower in the polls while he began desperately spewing increasingly inane, unconstitutional and anti-American nonsense, until he had so utterly humiliated himself and any noble cause he once may have mistakenly thought he represented that even audiences holding printed instructions on when to cheer felt their attention drifting and began to wish they had joined the political party that still eats at Chick-fil-A, where the sandwiches are just so very, very good.
Beto was born to then resign in lonely disgrace and, having already literally eaten dirt after his defeat in the Texas Senate race, he was born to try to find something even more disgusting to put in his mouth to mark what is almost certainly the end of an ill-conceived political career.
It seems like only yesterday Beto was a floppy-haired make-believe Kennedy who displayed a puppy-like enthusiasm as he grabbed the Constitution in his teeth and shook it to tatters, and now, like the protagonist of a Greek tragedy who understands the full scope of his destiny only too late, O’Rourke must wander the world seeking some way to cope with the fact that this — this complete ruin, this utter failure — this was what he was born for.
It would take a heart of stone not to sympathize with a man born for such a life, and yet when we think back on how he declared America a racist country, how he threatened to completely ignore the Second Amendment of the very Constitution he would have sworn to uphold in the horror-slash-fantasy world in which he became president, I think we must reflect that the gods are just and say, in the immortal words of Sophocles, “So long, schmuck. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Unless you were born for that too.”
Related: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/born-to-lose-beto-orourke-brutally-mocked-over-failed-campaign">‘BORN TO LOSE’: Beto O’Rourke Brutally Mocked Over Failed Campaign</a>

Beto O&#8217;Rourke Hugs Volunteer

Beto Finds Out Too Late That This Is What He Was Born For [Satire]

Beto O'Rourke

Constitution

Second Amendment

The very first political video I ever made was entitled “Shut Up.” That’s ten years ago, though it seems like more. The vid is still up on YouTube.
“The left here has been making the ‘shut up’ argument at least since the seventies, when it became clear that all their other arguments had failed,” says my younger and incredibly handsome self. “Since it was the only argument remaining to them, they had to invent different ways to say it. If you pointed out that their weakness allowed the murderous tyranny of Communism to expand, for instance, well, you were a McCarthyite. Shut up. If you proved their leniency toward criminals turned our cities into cesspools, you were a fascist. Shut up. When you pointed out that their welfare policies destroyed black families and created a social disaster of vast proportions, you were a racist, a sexist, uncivil, worse than Hitler, all just different ways of saying: shut up.”
It is sad to see how relentlessly the left has adhered to this approach. With the collapse of their utopia, the Soviet Union, with socialism a drag on life everywhere (yes, including Scandinavia), with leftist Europe sinking under the weight of unrestrained immigration and lack of assimilation and with the presidency of light worker savior Barack Obama an economic and foreign policy failure, leftists, rather than change their minds and their policies, have instead committed to creating a Big Silence meant to hide the truth from all of us, perhaps even from themselves.
This may have once seemed possible given the left’s near monopoly over the means of communication in this country. Hollywood, the news media, the academy — all are nearly wholly populated by leftists. But as the internet and social media began to eat holes in this firewall of disinformation, the left began to fear the truth might reach the people. It was then that their commitment to free speech waned to nothing.
“Free Speech is Killing Us,” headlines a recent story in the leftist New York Times by leftist New Yorker writer Andrew Marantz.
“In the early years of this decade, back when people associated social media with Barack Obama or the Arab Spring, Twitter executives referred to their company as ‘the free-speech wing of the free-speech party.’ Sticks and stones and assault rifles could hurt us, but the internet was surely only a force for progress. No one believes that anymore,” Marantz writes.
Translating that from Leftist into Truth, it means: “Free speech was okay when people said things we like, but not now that people are saying other things.” No one seems to have explained to Marantz that that’s the way freedom feels to everyone: great for you, horrific for anyone you disagree with.
Fearful of Donald Trump’s talent for communicating with Americans without the hate-filled filter of the press, the Left and their media have now launched wars on Facebook and Twitter, trying to cut off the flow of information they dislike. Democratic congressmen grilled Mark Zuckerberg on his failure to censor politicians while, suspiciously in concert, 22 separate news outlets launched attacks on Zuck and his site. Twitter, which was exposed by Project Veritas for shadow banning conservative speech, has announced it will no longer allow political or issue ads. Whose voice do you think they’re trying to silence?
Appallingly, journalists themselves have signed on to this assault on the most basic of American values. In an article in the latest City Journal entitled “Journalists Against Free Speech,” John Tierney describes how journalists from the Atlantic, the Times, Huffpo and other venues have endorsed the version of leftist shut-uppery known as Cancel Culture — though they are shocked when anyone tries to use it on them.
And, according to a recent survey by Campaign for Free Speech, these tactics may be working. Fifty-one percent of Americans want to rewrite the First Amendment to exclude “hate speech.”
Of course, you only have to think logically for half a minute to start asking yourself questions. 1) Who decides the definition of hate speech? 2) Why do they want to? 3) What are they trying to hide?
If you answered: 1) Leftists, 2) Because they want power and 3) The fact that leftism leads to slavery&#8230;
&#8230;shut up.

Protesters

KLAVAN: The Big Silence: The Left Wages War On Free Speech

Facebook

First Amendment

Twitter

The following is satirical.
It’s Halloween, which means over-excited children pretending to be what they’re not will be coming around your house asking you to give them your stuff, so it’s kind of like the Democratic primaries.
There’ll be monsters, witches, vampires and ghosts everywhere, so it’s kind of like the Democratic primaries. You’ll go out and spend your hard earned money on treats and then spoiled brats will come to your house and demand that you give those treats to them or they’ll pull destructive tricks on you, so it’s sort of like the Democratic primaries.
This year’s popular costumes include a walking dead man who will devour your brains, a screeching harpy whose hideous demeanor will paralyze you with fear and disgust, and a succubus — a female spirit who will drain you of your life force. Those are the Bernie Sanders, Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren costumes, respectively.
There’s also a Pete Buttigieg costume where you look normal until someone gets up close and then you suddenly become terrifying. And, of course, the Joe Biden costume in which you become a ghost of your former self and everyone can see right through you.
Halloween has a long tradition based on ancient superstitions and irrational beliefs — so that is also sort of like the Democratic primaries. The word Halloween means All Hallow’s Eve and comes on the eve of All Hallow’s Day when believers honor the saints, who are dead people whose power is still felt on earth, sort of like Democrat voters, only good.
Over time, the holiday developed its present fun traditions where young people dress up in various costumes and then other young people shriek in their faces about cultural appropriation, then try to get them expelled, then go home and tell themselves what wonderful people they are all the while harboring the secret suspicion that they actually suck which, it turns out, is exactly right.
Thus Halloween has been transformed from an interesting annual event into a riot of rage, guilt and shame — sort of like the Democratic primaries.
&nbsp;

Halloween

Halloween Brings Out The Walking Dead And Other Democrats [Satire]

Joe Biden

Kamala Harris

Pete Buttigieg

The following is satirical.
Media pundits seem to be discovering the hidden charms of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. Ever since President Donald Trump arranged for the erasure of the ISIS leader, press anti-Trumpers seem to be asking themselves: If Trump ordered him killed, can he really have been so bad?
The Washington Post, where Democracy dies strangling on hatred after taking a heavy dose of mindless venom, called the terrorist leader an “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/58280">austere religious scholar</a>,” and blamed the United States invasion of Iraq for distracting this “academic” from his intention to live a “quiet life as a professor of Islamic law.”
Never Trumper Max Boot, meanwhile, <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2019/10/28/al-baghdadis-death-could-have-been-trumps-finest-hour-he-messed-it-up-anyway/">objected</a> to President Trump calling the austere scholar a coward saying, after all, the terrorist had been brave enough to blow himself and three children to smithereens.
I’ve prayed God would allow me to wake up in a world where I’m making all that up, but so far no dice. I haven’t even gotten to the satire part yet.
We can now look forward to articles from, say, The New York Times, a former newspaper, praising al-Baghdadi for his wistful appreciation of female beauty, and maybe Chuck Todd will chime in on al-Baghdadi’s artistic camera work as he made videos of innocent people being beheaded in order to recruit more austere scholars to his cause of slaughtering everybody in sight.
There was, of course, also al-Baghdadi’s fabulous fashion sense which led MSNBC to offer him a hosting spot on their new show &#8220;Muslim Eye for the Christian Guy,&#8221; which has now unfortunately been canceled due to Trump’s brutal indifference to fostering really good TV.
Meanwhile, McCarthyite Congressman Adam Schiff is whining because Trump didn’t inform him of the operation ahead of time. Trump said he worried Schiff would leak the mission to the press. But Schiff said that was absurd, according to anonymous sources on the Intelligence Committee who spoke with the Times.
Related: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/58280">Washington Post Changes Headline About Terrorist Leader’s Death, Calling Him An ‘Austere Religious Scholar’</a>

Washington Post

Media Asks: If Trump Had Al-Baghdadi Killed, Can He Really Have Been So Bad? [Satire]

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

Chuck Todd

MSNBC

The following is satirical.
Hurrah! Here in the socialist state of California, Kommissar Gavin Newsom has gifted us with rolling electrical blackouts that glorify the great progress we have made under Marxist rule.
The blackouts will prevent high capitalist winds from blowing over PG&amp;E’s rotting equipment and causing even more of the glorious forest fires which are all part of the genius of the wonderful socialist programs which have lifted our state to greatness over the past 30 years.
Under our socialist rule, the state’s Public Utilities Commission has forced PG&amp;E to spend as much as $500 million a year to meet our glorious five year plan of reducing the cost of wind and solar energy to low income households.
Thus, our socialist overlords have guided the electric company to join the heroic workers’ fight against evil capitalist climate change which, as our infallible socialist computer models have predicted, will surely destroy the world by seven years ago.
Of course, spending all that money on green energy means PG&amp;E has no money for repairing the rotten electrical equipment with which billionaires indulge themselves in useless luxuries like electric lights and cooked food. And since PG&amp;E can’t repair its equipment, it often blows over and starts the beautiful forest fires which, in turn, serve our glorious socialist aims by forcing capitalist running dogs to abandon their energy-inefficient single-family homes.
Under our brilliant socialist plan, the fires also spread to our cities so that they can chase away the rats that have been gathering there due to our deep socialist charity to the poor who would have no place to sleep or even go to the bathroom if we did not let them sleep and go to the bathroom on our streets. And of course fire is a wonderful way to purge our air of the evil capitalist bubonic plague that the rats carry.
And so, comrades, under socialism, California is eliminating plague, rats, homelessness, houses and electricity by burning the entire state to the ground.
Once again: Hurrah! Now on to Texas!
Related: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/new-fire-ravages-wealthy-la-area-lebron-james-forced-to-evacuate">New Fire Ravages Wealthy LA Area: LeBron James Forced To Evacuate</a>

Gavin Newsom

Glorious Socialist Plan Saves California By Burning It To The Ground [Satire]

California

Climate Change

Global Warming

The New York Times, a former newspaper, is now openly extolling the Deep State, pushing the narrative that we should thank our lucky stars that a cabal of unelected bureaucrats and spies is working diligently to undermine the duly elected President of the United States.
Times columnist James B. Stewart has written a whole book on the subject: Deep State: Trump, the FBI and The Rule of Law.
“In a sense, [Trump] is right,” Stewart told a smiling Savannah Guthrie on the Today Show. “There is a Deep State, there is a bureaucracy in our country who has pledged to respect the Constitution, respect the rule of law. They do not work for the President, they work for the American people. And as [former FBI Director James] Comey told me&#8230; ‘Thank goodness for that.’”
Michelle Cottle, a member of the Times editorial board, echoed him with a column headlined, “They Are Not the Resistance. They Are Not a Cabal. They Are Public Servants.”
“President Trump is right,” she wrote. “The deep state is alive and well. But it is not the sinister, antidemocratic cabal of his fever dreams. It is, rather, a collection of patriotic public servants&#8230;”
Like so much in the Times these days, these lies aren’t even smart. If these spies and bureaucrats are protecting the Constitution, let me ask this: where are they mentioned in the Constitution? The Constitution provides for a president, a legislature, courts. But it nowhere establishes an unelected collection of conspirators to spy on, leak on and foil the intentions of our duly elected representatives. Officials who work for the American people are elected by the American people and can be unelected by them. What exactly is our recourse if we want these glorious Deep State Heroes to stop doing what they’re doing and allow our President to get on with what we elected him to do?
The Times is selling this intellectual trash hard in hopes of delegitimizing the soon-to-be-released findings of the Department of Justice Inspector General Report on the shenanigans committed by Comey, John Brennan and the rest of Barack Obama’s law and intelligence agencies as they apparently worked to destroy the campaign of the Republican out to defeat Obama’s chosen successor Hillary Clinton.
DOJ Prosecutor John Durham’s investigation into that apparent malfeasance has reportedly now become a criminal investigation, causing potential perps like Comey and Brennan to lawyer up. The Timesand the rest of the left are desperate to get their counter narrative out before an Obama scheme unravels for all to see.
The nonsense Deep State Heroes narrative is also being used to glamorize Congressman Adam Schiff’s so-called impeachment investigation during which behind-locked-doors testimony is selectively leaked to the mainstream media who then dutifully bring it to the public as “mounting evidence” of Trump’s impeachability.
“Trump’s War on the Deep State Turns Against Him,” is the way the Times is trying to sell us this McCarthyite coup attempt.
“The impeachment inquiry is in some ways the culmination of a battle between the president and the government institutions he distrusted and disparaged,” we’re told triumphantly.
But again, if you work out the underlying argument, you find it’s absurd. We’re supposed to think: Obama’s minions bugging phones on which candidate Trump may have spoken, inserting agents into Trump’s campaign, and leaking what we now know were false stories to the press about Trump’s non-existent collusion with Russia — all these things are wonderful patriotic actions. But Donald Trump asking Ukraine to investigate corruption that may have involved Joe Biden’s son — this, by all that’s holy, is an impeachable offense!
In other words, it’s good when we conspire to do it whole hog but it’s criminal when you sort of kind of do it, because shut up.
It’s no mystery why we’re supposed to root for the Shadow Men to undo our votes. It’s because the Democrats don’t think they can beat Trump in the next election.
You remember elections, don’t you, New York Times? They’re the way we choose who governs us, not through a cabal of invisible, unelected bureaucrats and spies.
Related: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/breaking-doj-administrative-review-into-russia-probe-takes-serious-turn">DOJ Administrative Review Into Russia Probe Takes Serious Turn</a>

The New York Times Headquarters

KLAVAN: The New York Times Loves The Deep State

Barack Obama

James Comey

John Brennan

Trump Administration

The following is satirical. 
It’s time to check in on the Democratic presidential field because laughter is the best medicine.
The field seems to have narrowed itself down to a cigar store Indian, a guy whose eye keeps exploding while his teeth fall out, the stuffed remains of a Communist who unfortunately passed away of a heart attack, and of course the gay guy whom no one will vote for because we just don’t want to see his husband on the cover of Vogue under the headline, “America’s New First Lady, So To Speak.”
The cigar girl, Chief Elizabeth Warren, has now announced that she will pay for the $800 gazillion in new spending she’s proposing by taxing the wealthy until the wealthy leave the country so they not only can’t be taxed but they are no longer investing in American companies so now you’re out of work and actually need government assistance but there is none because all the wealthy people are gone so Warren will then tax you to pay you for the fact that you’re poor from being overtaxed.
The late Bernie Sanders was carried to New York and propped up in front of a crowd while Alexandria Occasional Cortex endorsed him. The late Sanders will now have to face questions as to why he was endorsed by a member of Congress who continually says ignorant, nonsensical things, like, “I endorse Bernie Sanders.”
Joe Biden has released a statement saying there was absolutely nothing wrong with his son Hunter interrupting a life of whoring and drug use to accept high-paying jobs he wasn’t qualified for but was offered because his father held public office.
After his statement, Biden’s eye exploded, his teeth fell out, and his standing in the polls rose 15 points because, hard as it is to believe, he’s the best candidate they’ve got.
On the positive side, the Democrats have come up with new campaign slogan: “Impeach Now, Because My God, Look At Our Terrible Candidates.”

Dems&#8217; New Campaign Slogan: &#8216;Impeach! Because Our Candidates Suck&#8217; [Satire]

The following is satirical.
If there’s one thing that&#8217;s important for every American to know, it’s how to play by the rules of politics. Playing by the rules allows you to maintain an atmosphere of civility and dignity while the Democrats run roughshod over every norm of behavior and destroy everything good and true about America.
So let’s learn some of the rules.
When someone completely unassociated with Donald Trump produces a video in which Trump shoots his enemies in the Democrat Party and the media, it proves that Trump is degrading public discourse and inspiring violence.
When a sportswear company puts an enormous billboard in Times Square showing a woman tying Trump up and stomping on the president’s face, then it’s time to buy some new sportswear.
When Arizona’s lady Governor Jan Brewer pointed a finger at President Barack Obama and told him she needed some border security, that was called “Fingergate” and was an example of Brewer’s racist disrespect for our first black president – who, did I mention, was black?
When House Speaker Nancy Pelosi stuck out her finger at Donald Trump, that was an example of feminist independence and courage and time to buy some new sportswear and stomp on the president’s face.
When Barack Obama’s Justice Department and Intelligence Agencies spied on the opposing party’s campaign, that was our heroic deep state protecting Americans from their incorrect decisions.
When Donald Trump suggested Ukraine examine corruption that might include opposition candidate Joe Biden, that was worse than Watergate in which a president spied on the opposing party like Barack Obama did to Trump.
Finally, when the news media lie and distort in order to support a deep state coup, that’s freedom of speech. When Americans speak out freely against the media’s corruption, that endangers the First Amendment.
You must follow these rules carefully or else you could wake up and find yourself telling a power-obsessed bunch of baby-killing Communist Democrats and media to kiss your butt and then go straight to hell.
And we wouldn’t want that.
Related: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/doj-review-of-origins-of-russia-probe-expanded-cia-officials-reportedly-hiring-lawyers">Report: DOJ Review Of Origins Of Russia Probe Expanded, CIA Officials ‘Hiring Lawyers’</a>

Republican elephant and Democratic donkey.

Learn To Play By The Rules Of Politics So Democrats Can Destroy The Country [Satire]

The following is satirical.
In a rare move, President Trump has reversed course and canceled plans to hold the 2020 G-7 Summit at the Trump National Doral in Miami. The leaders of the world’s seven most advanced economies will instead be staying at the Motel 6, 15 miles outside of Tallahassee.
The world leaders will now be able to enjoy the Motel’s free cable TV service, plus a complimentary breakfast in the lobby annex. Responding to the announcement, Germany’s Angela Merkel said she hoped they would have those miniature blueberry muffins, which she enjoyed so much last time she was there.
The decision to hold the Summit at the Doral had come under fire from Democrats who said that housing the world leaders at a luxurious well-run resort with Trump’s name on it would give people the impression that the president was a successful businessman who was capable of restoring the nation’s economy and bringing sanity to our international relations, which would in turn expose the Democrats and their mainstream media for the dishonest hypocrites and incompetents they are.
In a statement to a gathering of reporters all of whom, strangely enough, looked exactly alike and were named Chuck Todd, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said, “Holding the G-7 at the Doral would be in direct violation of the emoluments clause of the Constitution. Our founding fathers did not want the president hanging around all day using emoluments until his whole body was as soft and pink as a girl’s so that our enemies believed we were weak and were tempted to invade.”
When one of the Chuck Todds told Ms. Pelosi that she may have confused emoluments, which are profits, with emollients, which are lotions, the speaker demanded an immediate secret and unofficial impeachment investigation into James Madison and Congressman Adam Schiff announced that he had already seen enough evidence to convict Madison although he couldn’t tell anyone what it was, because it was secret, like what he did last night with his stuffed pink bear.
But that’s another story.
Related: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/trump-scraps-plan-to-host-g-7-at-his-florida-golf-resort-at-zero-cost-to-the-usa">Trump Scraps Plan To Host G-7 At His Florida Golf Resort At ‘Zero Cost To The USA’</a>

Motel 6

Trump Cancels G-7 At The Doral And Will Instead House World Leaders At Motel 6 [Satire]

Angela Merkel

Nancy Pelosi

You can say this for the Chinese government: they may be a gang of murderous, oppressive, lying thugs, but they’ve done American culture a big favor. They’ve exposed our sanctimonious cultural classes for the phonies they are.
Let’s start with Blizzard Entertainment, the video game company that produced Diablo. Diablo was a great game, an immersive story of a knight facing the supernatural powers of darkness. I was so amazed by its beauty and realism that I played it obsessively, killing off hordes of demons until I broke my computer mouse.
The story was wonderful — but the storytellers were hollow men, frauds who had the skill to create cartoon heroes while siding with the real demons, the Chinese. The company suspended professional gamer Chung Ng Wai from competition for a year after he called for Hong Kong’s liberation in a post-game interview. After being shamed by the fans, they cut his punishment to six months — a move so cynical and empty of moral understanding it made the situation even worse.
Because: Punish him for what? For standing up for the heroes of the Hong Kong streets who are risking all in protests against the monsters of Beijing?
And make no mistake about it: the Chinese are a government of monsters. There are no shades of gray here. Their Maoist forefathers slaughtered eight New York Cities worth of individuals in the name of their foul philosophy. As late as 2015, they were tying women down to sterilize them and forcibly abort their children. They disappear dissenters and then harvest their organs for transplant — I know, it sounds like one of those &#8217;80s medical thrillers, but it’s true. They’ve got religious minorities in “re-education camps,” a phrase that makes my gorge rise even when I just write it down.
So Blizzard tells a story about a hero fighting demons, then punishes a hero for fighting demons. And for what? For their dreams of a vast Chinese marketplace. For money.
Hollow men. Straw men. What a bunch of phonies.
And how about the NBA? Apologizing for a tweet supporting the Hong Kong freedom fighters. Sending their top athletes out to kowtow to the Chinese tyrants. Tossing out fans who brought pro-freedom signs and t-shirts to games. What about the NFL, who crawled to their Chinese overlords in 2004 after an image of the protesters in Tienanmen Square accidentally found its way into a celebration of liberty in the Super Bowl half-time show?
They tell stories too, don’t they? Stories about the evil American police. Stories about how courageous they are to kneel during the National Anthem, to disrespect the flag of the United States — a protest without consequence, without danger, because they live in the United States where they’re free. And yet for a few dollars more, they bend the knee to real-life present day slave masters.
Hollow men. Phonies.
And what about the sportscasters at ESPN, who couldn’t keep their fat, stupid mouths shut about how nasty George W. Bush was? Who tried to make heroes out of the ballplayers disrespecting our flag. But now, when it comes time to speak up for real heroes fighting real bad guys, they go silent at the orders of their parent company Disney.
And yeah, what about Disney? With all their woke cartoon stories preaching to us about diversity and tolerance and “strong” girls. The people who bring you those messages are protecting their Chinese market by silencing protests against the oppressors of minorities.
Stinkers. Fakes. Phonies. Hollow men.
Listen, I’ve been a professional novelist all my adult life, and I’ll be the first to admit: no storyteller can wholly live up to the courage of his own heroes. Having flaws, making mistakes, failing to do the right thing — these are traits shared by one hundred percent of human beings. And yet our small-minded, bigoted, “woke” culture punishes people for all those things.
What then shall we do to these truly hollow men, who aren’t making mistakes, who aren’t acting in error, but are actually living out their money-first philosophy, who are consciously and purposefully betraying the good for a Yuan?
They are talented people, no doubt; gifted people. Some of the stories they tell are great. Their athletic feats are amazing.
But from now on, when they speak to us of politics and culture — when they step out of their professional zone and preach to us about how to live and who to vote for — we have to remember this:
They are hollow men. Straw men. A bunch of phonies.

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Andrew Klavan

Articles by Andrew Klavan