Flu Side Effects Include Shrinking Reporters And Forgotten Democrat Candidates [Satire]

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Director Dr. Robert Redfield speaks during a press conference on recent developments with the coronavirus with other members of President Trump's Coronavirus Task Force at the Health and Human Services headquarters on February 7, 2020 in Washington, DC. Li Wenliang, the 33-year-old ophthalmologist based in Wuhan who was detained by the Chinese Government after raising early warnings about the virus, died on Friday from the virus. Other task force members joining Director Redfield on stage are (L-R) Assistant Secretary for Preparedness and Response Robert Kadlec, National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Director Dr. Anthony Fauci, and State Department Deputy Secretary Stephen Biegun, Homeland Security Acting Deputy Secretary Ken Cuccinelli, and Department of Transportation Acting Under Secretary for Policy Joel Szabat. (Photo by Samuel Corum/Getty Images)
Samuel Corum/Getty Images

The following is satirical.

Doctors have begun to discover some unnerving side effects to the disease they’re calling the Wuflu or the Kung Flu or the Flu Manchu or the Chinese Communist Plot to Destroy America — although some are calling it the Corona Virus with complete disregard for any bigotry that may cause against Mexican beer manufacturers.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Doctors have discovered side effects of the Chinese Flu.

For instance, some reporters who have been covering President Donald Trump’s press conferences seem to be suffering the side effect of becoming smaller and smaller until they appear as insignificant and ineffective as teensy tiny little ants except with human heads and big mouths that keep shouting irrelevant but wildly hostile questions in high-pitched voices that are barely even audible anymore but just come through the television speakers like one of the songs sung by the Munchkins in the Wizard of Oz, except very dim and far away.

Doctors fear if these side effects worsen, the White House press corps may disappear altogether and will have to be replaced by journalists.

Another side effect of the flu is that some Americans can no longer remember any of the Democrat candidates for president.

Interviewed by medical personnel, Americans now only have dim recollections of a loud, angry old man who keeps touting 19th century philosophies that have caused poverty and oppression wherever they’ve been tried. But these same Americans say that memory seems so absurd, it may not be a memory at all, they may only have dreamed that such a person exists while they were suffering high fevers, chills, boredom and eye-rolling exasperation.

One American interviewed by doctors said he couldn’t remember who was running for president at all or what any of the issues were, but that American turned out to be Joe Biden and was sent home to rest up for the next debate with what’s-his-name.

Other doctors are reporting a flu side effect where sufferers lose all sense of decency but so far that’s only affected the Speaker of the House.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Media Attacks Trump’s Call For Hope And Unity, Saying That Would Put Them Out Of Business [Satire]

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