Media Attacks Trump’s Call For Hope And Unity, Saying That Would Put Them Out Of Business [Satire]

: U.S. President Donald Trump pauses while speaking during a briefing on the coronavirus pandemic, in the press briefing room of the White House on March 24, 2020 in Washington, DC. Cases of COVID-19 continue to rise in the United States, with New York's case count doubling every three days according to Governor Andrew Cuomo. (Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images)
Drew Angerer/Getty Images

The following is satirical.

The American News Media and other top Democrats are expressing outrage at Donald Trump’s expression of hope that America might start re-opening by Easter.

In an op-ed in the New York Times, a former newspaper, Editor-in-Chief Blithering Prevarication the Third ripped into the president, writing, “I rip into you, President Trump, with all the furious force of my hatred of everything you stand for, like America and business and not apologizing for meaningless things.

“To suggest that there might be hope at such a time as this endangers our entire business model. Next you’ll be telling us not to be afraid and to stand united,” he continued.

“If such ideas take hold, the news media would not survive, and I for one would have to make a living using my only other talent, which is playing harmonica while simultaneously working the foot pedal of a bass drum, at the same time my trained monkey passes a hat around for spare change,” he declared. “This would be a terrible comedown from running the most powerful former newspaper in the country and it’s only one of the tens of important jobs that would be destroyed if Americans listened to your siren song of hope and unity.”

“Any plan that would put the New York Times out of business is a direct attack on the First Amendment,” he warned. “And it is even more despicable to connect such hope to Easter, a time when I traditionally get depressed thinking of the eternity I’m going to have to spend in hell.”

“This presidency must be ended immediately to make way for Joe Biden because if we are forced to wait till November, the man will be completely incomprehensible,” he concluded. “And now, sir, you have been ripped into by no less a man than Blithering Prevarication the Third and I hope you feel it deeply because otherwise I will begin to suspect that my influence is an illusion and indeed my entire life is a meaningless charade.”

With that Mr. Third started sobbing and ran from the room.

More satire from Klavan: Democrats Hold Up Emergency Funding Bill Until Transgender Windmills Are Decorated With Union-Made Sparkles 

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