The following is satirical.
Congressional Republicans and Democrats continued to battle throughout yesterday over a bill to prop up the American economy during the crisis. Republicans are asking for funds to support corporations so they can survive the lockdown. Democrats are asking for a gigantic field of windmills to be planted over the entire land mass of any state that voted for President Trump with windmill blades that are dusted with biodegradable sparkles and will hurl a rainbow of thrilling colors through the air as they produce enough energy to power a cell phone for three minutes every time there’s a tornado.
Republicans are requesting a series of payouts to workers to tide them over the down time until business starts up again. Democrats are requesting that cows be required to use their hooves to tap out in Morse code the amount of greenhouse gasses they are discharging while at the same time airlines will be required to print the number of calories in every non-vegan meal served in any state they fly over, with each menu vetted by the legal firm of Pelosi, Pelosi and Pelosi, no relation.
Republicans are asking that the bill contain funding for small businesses so they can continue payroll payments. Democrats demand that the bill include funding for the Transgender Children’s Chorus to entertain every union meeting in America with a rousing chorus of “Be Our Guest,” and that the unions afterward distribute awards for bravery to any nine year old boy willing to do a sexy dance in a pink can-can dress and a guarantee from employers to pay for the boy’s funeral after he grows up and commits suicide.
The arguments grew heated as the two sides deadlocked with Mitch McConnel raising his voice to an inaudible murmur, Nancy Pelosi flying over the capitol building spelling out the words “Surrender Dorothy,” and Mitt Romney throwing an apron over his face and running around in circles screaming, “I don’t know what on earth to do!” in a quavering falsetto.
More news as it develops.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: Biden To Hold Shadow Briefings In Which He Rambles Incomprehensibly