The following is satirical.
Leftist rioters continue to make the world a better place.
A new completely made-up study from the New York Times, a former newspaper, reveals that every time the mostly peaceful violent mobs tear down a statue, another underprivileged child gets an education.
According to the study, the sheer moral purity of the mostly peaceful violence is transferred into the kinetic action of destroying monuments so that, when the monuments crash to the ground, a series of vibrations travels across town into the minds of minority children, imparting math and reading skills. This not only improves the child’s chances of success, it also helps him to avoid experiencing traits which were determined by the Smithsonian National Museum of African American History and Culture to be tools of oppressive whiteness, such as hard work and rational thought. (The Museum later apologized for that characterization, but they were still thinking it and had their fingers crossed behind their backs.)
The completely made-up study in the Times, one of a new series of completely made-up studies which the Times is releasing as a follow up to the 1619 Project, was overseen by an expert committee of experts led by expert experts John and Mary Expert. So anyone who doesn’t believe it, is not listening to the Experts.
The study goes on to say that every time a government building is set on fire, systemic racism is lowered in any system where systemic racism is systemic. According to the study, when government buildings burn, the righteous rage of the arsonists mixes with the historic sins of the nation, causing a chemical reaction that purifies the air of the kind of racism that often arises when Black Lives Matter activists are seen setting buildings on fire.
Finally, the study concludes that anyone who loots a store could actually improve people’s lives, especially the lives of the Experts, if they would send them a pair of hot sneakers, sizes ten-and-a-half male and female eight.
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