Warning: The following contains sudden explosions as well as quotes that are only slightly more coherent than real Biden quotes.
Presumptive former President Joe Biden says he was surprised and delighted to find out that his pick for running mate was Kamala Harris.
At a virtual gathering in the meeting hall of his imagination, Biden said, “Come on, man! We’re talking about a woman who’s going to be a heartbeat away from the presidency and for all I know it may have been that last heartbeat right there.”
“So I thought for sure it was going to be that Cherokee woman or maybe one of those black girls, but instead it turned out to be this chick, who knows what she is, not that it matters,” he added. “As long as she’s clean and her hair smells good, then I say I’m all for it.”
Former somebody Barack Ohara or Ocomma or whatever his name used to be said Biden “nailed it” with the selection of Harris, though former San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown issued a correction, saying, “No, that was me,” in an apparent reference to Harris’s pathway into politics, for those of you who need your dirty jokes explained to you.
Harris happily accepted the vice presidency spot, saying, “I am absolutely delighted to become, let’s face it, the next president of the United States and I pledge to you I will say anything I have to whatever my personal beliefs are and at this point even I can’t remember.”
“I am proud to stand next to a man I accused of sexual harassment and bigotry just as I would be proud to stand next to a cinder block as long as it had that stupid look on its face so I could be sure it was going to keel over or quit within six months of taking office,” she concluded.
Harris then climbed onto a gigantic globe-shaped gas tank and shouted, “Top of the World, Ma!” before exploding in a fiery ball of her own ambition.
The New York Times, a former newspaper, said the speech was pragmatic and moderate with great special effects.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: Biden Says Passing A Cognitive Test Is As Easy As Blooging A Phalderone