News Media Skip Useless Presidential Briefings To Make Time For Urgent Anti-American Hatred [Satire]

The following is satirical.

It’s not that the American news media is a flaming dumpster filled with unintelligent incompetents so primed by their second-rate educations with anti-American hatred and a love of socialism which forces them to ignore the very facts they’re supposed to gather and instead to wallow in their own ugly disdain for the high ideas and ordinary people who have made this country great that it seems like every time journalists open their mouths they are spewing a sort of green bile made of some unholy mixture of ignorance and hostility until the bile grows so thick and deep around them they begin to sink into it up to their noses whereupon they are actually both vomiting the filthy stuff and breathing it in at the same time like a sort of perpetual motion machine of absolute awfulness…

Or wait, maybe it is that.

But the point is, journalists are not happy that the president’s daily press briefings are 1) getting better ratings than all of CNN’s good days since 1983 added together, and 2) increasing Trump’s popularity when he represents the very values journalists despise, namely freedom, patriotism, common decency and love of God.

So various news outlets are planning measures to ensure that no one will be able to watch the briefings without simultaneously absorbing a gigantic loogie of seething animosity or, as it’s sometimes called, Chuck Todd.

For instance, CNN — which is currently that lonely voice you hear echoing through empty airports — simply won’t cover the briefings because they feel what the president and his medical staff have to say during a pandemic isn’t really news compared to Don Lemon staring soulfully into a camera like a stuffed moose only stupid.

The New York Times, a former newspaper, will continue to cover the briefings but will only report those portions that increase fear and make the president look bad.

And of course, NBC has rehired Matt Lauer to cover the briefings because sometimes there are girls there so, who knows, he might get lucky.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Officials Vow To Battle Chi-Com Flu With Completely Useless But Oppressive Measures