Mostly Peaceful Riots Leave Cities Mostly Not In Flames [Satire]

A protester burns an American flag in front of the Mark O. Hatfield U.S. Courthouse in the early morning on August 1, 2020 in Portland, Oregon. Friday was the second night in a row without police intervention, following weeks of clashes between federal officers and protesters in Portland. (Photo by Nathan Howard/Getty Images)
Nathan Howard/Getty Images

The following is mostly satirical. 

The mostly peaceful violence in Portland continues as Joe Biden voters and other Democrats continue to mostly not riot leaving the city mostly not in flames.

The protesters, who are mostly idealistic young people except during those few hours when they are destructive thugs, mostly did not assault unarmed elderly people leaving most of the local elderly not terrorized or covered in paint.

Most of the time the mobs of usually not rampaging masked marauders were mostly not shining lasers into the eyes of policemen in attempts to blind them. And they could very often be seen not setting local stores on fire as when they were trying to destroy government buildings which they were mostly not doing either.

Around the country, journalists were mostly not reporting on what the mostly peaceful rioters were mostly not doing.

And in fact the journalists themselves spend only about a third of the day at work and so are mostly not spreading disinformation like hideous, bottom-feeding swamp creatures who have somehow evolved the capacity to lie with completely straight faces — unless, of course, they also lie to their friends and families in which case they’re mostly not mostly not hideous, bottom-feeding swamp creatures but mostly are. Which would mostly not be surprising.

For example, the New York Times, a former newspaper, mostly didn’t report the mostly peaceful havoc being mostly not wreaked by the mostly peaceful Democrat thugs and other Joe Biden voters in Seattle.

But then suddenly, the New York Times did report the mostly peaceful destruction that left most of the city not a shambles, so that many Times readers said, “Whoa, I’ve been mostly lied to and am now mostly ignorant about what’s mostly going on because I’ve mostly been reading the New York Times and now mostly feel like a schnook.”

The mostly peaceful riots will mostly not spread into residential areas so that residents will mostly not be terrorized in their homes.

So that’s mostly great. Until the person terrorized happens to be you.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Democrats Accuse Barr Of Interrupting Their Riots With Rule Of Law

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