The following is satirical. Warning: Jerrold Nadler, who apparently is a real person rather than a slightly menacing fictional character from a children’s story, makes an appearance below.
Democrats are accusing Attorney General William Barr of interrupting their riots and illegal spying with the rule of law.
This was only one of the furious accusations Democrats hurled at Barr after they invited him to a hearing to hear them interrupt him without a hearing.
Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee Jerrold Nadler, who delayed the hearing to give him yet another chance to catch those wily three Billy Goats Gruff, accused the attorney general of being Donald Trump’s puppet.
Nadler said, “If the President tells you to enforce the rule of law, you rush right out like an automaton and enforce the rule of law. If the President tells you to treat everyone equally, you obey like a zombie and treat everyone equally. How can America trust a man who does not think for himself?”
When Barr tried to respond to these accusations, Nadler cut him off, afraid that Barr might guess that his name was really Rumpelstiltskin, forcing him to jump up and down until he fell through the floor.
Congresswoman Zoe Lofren accused Barr of teargassing protestors who were merely searching for peace and justice in the rubble of the cities they were burning to the ground.
Lofgren said, “This is martial law because marshals are enforcing the law in the same way these are peaceful protests because you have protesters breaking things into pieces.”
“If we can’t agree that the English language means whatever Democrats say it means, then this hearing is just going to devolve into unfounded accusations against you followed by me cutting you off before you have a chance to respond until my dishonesty is completely disguised by my hysterical hyperbole,” she added. “This is the kind of lawless behavior I expect under a Trump administration and we’re seeing it right now or if we’re not, it’s because I’m just getting started.”
Barr tried to respond, but the committee ruled it would be unfair for him to tell the truth before reading the Democrats their rights.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: Biden Says Women Are Treated Unfairly Despite Smelling So Great