The following is satirical.
If the polls are correct, Joe Biden stands a good chance of soon becoming the former president of the United States.
To solidify his hopes of announcing his resignation from the highest office in the land, Biden has unveiled “The Biden Agenda for Women.”
In a statement written in drool and released to a particularly large cockroach in the corner of his basement, Biden said, “It’s a disgrace that this country treats women unfairly when they make the place look so attractive and just smell incredibly great.”
“When you come up behind them and stick your nose deep in their velvety hair and then take a great big sniff, it’s like a rocket ship to heaven and yet they still make less per hour for answering the phone than a man makes for parachuting onto a burning oil rig and fighting the fire until he dies,” he continued.
“So today, I’m announcing The Biden Agenda for Women which of course is not my personal agenda for women, which is a fantasy that would blow your socks off — but that nice lady named Jill who follows me around all the time says I’m not supposed to talk about that and it’s possible she’s my wife assuming I’m the same person I was yesterday.”
Speaking to the family dog who may or may not be a plush toy, Biden listed the Agenda’s provisions, saying, “One, we will tackle health care inequities. It’s completely unfair that women come down with diseases men don’t even get like their periods and that thing where they cry all the time and won’t listen to reason.”
“B. We will end violence against women by issuing an executive order telling people: if you’re going to punch someone, punch a man. Four, we will end unequal pay so women basketball players will earn as much as men even though no one watches what they’re doing. And first and foremost, I would like to announce that I’m resigning the presidency. Or isn’t it time yet?”
More satire from Andrew Klavan: Democrats Vow Violence And Chaos Will Continue Until America Agrees To Vote For Them