The following is satirical, except for that one part about the Democrat politician and the demonic spirits.
A new Rasmussen poll shows that Donald Trump is closing the gap with Joe Biden in the presidential race. Democrats are furious and are warning Americans they will not end the violence and hysteria in the country until voters get their minds right and agree to mend their ways.
Speaking to an audience of tiny figurines crafted completely out of spare Botox, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said, “Voters are going to have to take some responsibility for the chaos and terror we are causing because they refuse to abandon Trump.”
“We’ve had three years of insanity over Russian collusion that didn’t even happen, we had near riots over accusations against a Supreme Court nominee that were completely unsubstantiated, and we stopped the business of this country to hold an actual impeachment hearing over a meaningless remark in a phone call to Ukraine,” she explained. “We wouldn’t have done any of these things if voters hadn’t elected Donald Trump so it’s inconceivable they would even think of doing it again.”
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer agreed.
Speaking from the center of a flaming pentangle while the spirits of the evil dead flew in circles around his head before moving off to vote by mail in the November election, Schumer told a crowd of goats with human faces, “Just look at the violence in our cities. That is happening while Democrat mayors and governors stand by doing nothing. Do voters actually think we’re going to bring that chaos to a halt if they go off and vote for Trump again?”
“This irresponsible behavior on the part of voters had better stop,” he warned. “This is not what Democracy looks like. It looks like a mob of masked thugs assaulting police officers and defacing property.”
Joe Biden also chimed in in a statement slipped under his basement door that read, “Can anyone remember the name of that TV show about the small town Sheriff and his son Opie? I always loved that program. Let me know when I’m president.”
More satire from Andrew Klavan: Democrats Seek To Amend Covid Relief Bill To Include Complete Destruction Of Every American Principle