The following is satirical.
Candiass Pansiface, the mayor of Minneapolis, has issued a series of directives on how looters can keep from catching coronavirus while they’re burning down his city.
Mayor Pansiface, whose last job was dancing to Justin Bieber songs on Tik Tok, said that he issued the guidelines so that rioters seeking justice by violently destroying lives and businesses wouldn’t get what he called “a nasty case of the sneezles or snuffles.”
To underscore the importance of the directives, Mayor Pansiface released them to the public while wearing his super-masculine plaid lumberjack shirt and the same jeans he uses to dance along with John Travolta while privately screening that great old movie “Saturday Night Fever.”
He also appeared wearing two days’ growth of beard, which his friends told him looks especially cool on him.
The directives read as follows:
1) While addressing the systemic racism of America by rushing into Target and stealing a big screen TV that you can either use to watch classic sports reruns or sell for drug money, please wear a mask.
Masks may not help to stop the spread of the coronavirus but they demonstrate a respect for the common good of the people around you while you’re pillaging their possessions and then burning their businesses to the ground.
2) While healing relations between the community and the police by mindlessly destroying everything you can lay your hands on then setting it on fire, please practice social distancing.
Social distancing helps to slow the spread of the coronavirus so our hospitals won’t be overwhelmed and will be free to take care of the people you’re curb stomping and beating up. This is a good way to show kindness and compassion for the victims of your senseless violence.
3) While rioting, please make sure not to protest any unconstitutional lockdowns or business closures. That would be wrong.
After releasing the directives, Mayor Candiass Pansiface left the burning city to return to his day job impersonating Judy Garland.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: New York Announces Reopening Plan Called ‘Transitioning Into Some Vague Semblance Of Competence’