New York Announces Reopening Plan Called ‘Transitioning Into Some Vague Semblance Of Competence’ [Satire]

The following is satirical.

New York has unveiled its new re-opening plan called “Transitioning into Some Vague Semblance of Competence.”

Although the plan is intended to echo Donald Trump’s theme of Transitioning into Greatness, New York officials will not be looking to restore the economy or bring New Yorkers’ lives back to normal, but will instead simply aim to stop slaughtering people’s grandparents in large numbers while saying indefensibly stupid stuff they have to retract hours later.

Governor Andrew Cuomo announced that the “Transitioning into Some Vague Semblance of Competence” plan will be launched at a large gathering of nursing home residents and Chinese virus sufferers in the hopes that a show of togetherness will ease any hard feelings about that time he forced nursing homes to take the virus sufferers in, thus causing the deaths of thousands.

After the launch party and the resulting funerals, New York will have a grand reopening of the subway system, heralded by make-believe music on invisible guitars played by homeless schizophrenics moving from car to car asking passengers for money as the passengers, packed tightly together in the narrow space, try to edge away from the beggars without actually having sex with the person next to them.

Restaurants will also be reopened, although each diner will have to sit a minimum of three blocks away from their companion, unless it’s their spouse, then it’s four blocks. To facilitate that, restaurants will be allowed to set up tables in the middle of the larger boulevards, although customers will have to clean up after themselves if they should be hit by a bus.

In a speech made to the mountain of corpses he keeps seeing in his dreams for some reason, Cuomo said, “It’s not enough for New York City to be merely intolerable, we must show the world what the greatest city on earth looks like when it’s been misgoverned into the ground.”

Cuomo said that for himself, he would continue to wear a mask, lest he be recognized and brought to justice.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Democrats Fear A Good Economy Will Hurt Their Chances Of Winning The Election And Destroying The Economy