Journalists Complain Kayleigh McEnany’s Unkindness Is Interrupting Their Attempt To Destroy The Country [Satire]

The following is satirical.

Over Memorial Day — as America paid tribute to those heroes who fought and died so that Gretchen Whitmer could become the Fascist Queen of Michigan — a controversy broke out over Donald Trump’s new Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany.

At a press conference with journalists and other Democrats, Ms. McEnany was asked what time it was, whereupon she drew a samurai sword and, in a series of motions too swift for the human eye to record, she dismembered the entire White House press corps leaving them a mere collection of bleeding torsos writhing and shrieking wordlessly on the floor, which actually raised the intelligence level of their questions.

Ms. McEnany then lifted a flamethrower and reduced what was left of the journalists to a pile of ashes that blew out the window into the Rose Garden, where they acted as mulch, thus performing a useful function for the first time in their lives.

Chris Wallace of Fox News, said Ms. McEnany had overreacted, saying “Back in my day, when the press corps was interrupting Ronald Reagan’s struggle against the Soviet slave empire by calling him a warmonger and an idiot actor, we would not have allowed anyone to suggest we were a bunch of biased and intellectually corrupt enemies of truth and decency, no matter how true it was. Now, when the press corps is covering up for a senile hologram who hasn’t spoken an honest word in decades and shouting meaningless insults at the president during a crisis, I find it intolerable that we’ve been caught in the act.”

In another incident, a reporter questioned the president’s demand that governors allow houses of worship to reopen, whereupon Ms. McEnany raised her staff and unleashed a series of plagues on the entire journalistic community.

Blithering Prevarication the Third, the Editor-in-Chief of the New York Times, a former newspaper, said the action was completely incomprehensible. He then continued to Arlington Cemetery where he and the rest of the Times staff spent Memorial Day spitting on the graves.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: New Polls Show Biden Would Win If Election Were Held Today In Fairyland Of Journalists’ Imagination