New Polls Show Biden Would Win If Election Were Held Today In Fairyland Of Journalists’ Imagination [Satire]

Former Vice President Joe Biden, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, wears a protective mask during a NowThis economic address seen on a smartphone in Arlington, Virginia, U.S., on Friday, May 8, 2020. A super political action committee backing Joe Biden will launch a $10 million television ad campaign touting the presumptive Democratic nominee's leadership on the economic recovery after the 2008 financial crisis. Photographer:
Andrew Harrer/Bloomberg via Getty Images

The following is satirical.

It’s still early in the election year and at this point, the polls don’t really mean anything, so let’s take a look at them anyway because life is just too long and we’ve got to do something to kill the time.

The latest polls show that Joe Biden would defeat President Donald Trump if the election were held today in the fairy land of the media’s imagination where lies turn to chocolate bars and melt on the tongue.

Biden is leading in several battlegrounds, including Gettysburg and Antietam where many veterans of the Civil War remember him fondly and can’t understand what the hell happened to him when he used to be such a fun guy and his Abe Lincoln impersonation was second to none.

Seventy-three percent of people who hate Trump so much they can’t pry their teeth apart say they would vote for a potted plant before they would vote for the president. They would also vote for an overturned garbage can, a used toilet brush, a collection of orange rinds or Joe Biden.

Sixty-six percent of people who wish the lockdown would never end and they could just keep receiving those unemployment checks that are higher than the money they made working say they would vote for Biden if he would give them something for free, preferably a motor bike or maybe one of those drones that you can use to take videos of the girl next door when she’s doing yoga.

Eighty-five percent of people who plan to vote by mail say they prefer Biden because he kind of looks a lot like they do even though they’ve been dead for over three years.

And a full 92 percent of voters who can’t construct an English sentence say they’d vote for Joe Biden because the garage on their hairy legs with a chainsaw you know the thing.

Fifty-six percent of Trump voters want the pollster to get off their lawn, and the other 44 percent didn’t answer the questions because they couldn’t stop laughing.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Journalists Discuss Trump’s Use Of Hydroxychloroquine In Tragic Waste Of Their Lives And Ours

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