How To Be A Journalist [Satire]

Politician talking into reporters' microphones
Paul Bradbury via Getty Images

The following is satirical.

So you want to be a journalist. As a leading professional in the field, I would like to share some of the techniques that would have made me who I am today if I had not turned out to be someone else.

As a journalist, it is your job to get what we professionals call “the story.” The story is any series of events that might cause people to vote for Democrats.

In order to get the story, you have to gather “the facts.” The facts are any opinions held by Democrats that might cause people to vote for Democrats. You can always tell a fact because after you state it, you will say, “That’s a fact.” You may also add, “And I’m being completely objective,” which makes it even more of a fact.

To be a good journalist, you also have to understand what we professionals call “the issue.” The issue is a lens through which you see the story so that it might cause people to vote for Democrats so Democrats can increase the size of government and lessen the freedom of ordinary people who are yucky and sometimes don’t even live in New York.

So for instance, if a white man shoots someone, the issue is the guns that cause violence. If a black man shoots someone, the issue is the racism that causes blacks to use guns that cause violence. If a police officer shoots a black person, the issue is police racism, whereas if he shoots a white person, the issue is violence among white people. If a Muslim shoots a white person, a black person and a police officer, the issue is climate change, which caused a drought in the Sudan, driving Muslims to use guns which cause violence.

Now be prepared: some people may say you’re a second rate lowdown partisan hack telling lies to help your fellow Democrats. But saying that is a clear violation of the First Amendment. Also it’s the truth and, as a journalist, you want nothing to do with that.

Related: WATCH: Media Started Pushing Trump’s Impeachment Within Days Of His Election

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