Note: The following was only written after an appropriate amount of self-recrimination. Also, don’t actually try the Kasich trick, it’d probably hurt.
The Democrat virtual convention to nominate the Democrat’s virtual candidate is now virtually underway.
The theme of this exciting event is “Uniting America in Self-Hatred and Mutual Distrust.”
Chairman of the Democrat National Committee Mao Tse Haichu says the party is hoping the event will show off Democrat diversity by presenting people of various races all saying the same thing.
In an interview with the Antifas newspaper Der Sturmer, Haichu said, “We want our party to look like America and we want America to look like a flaming dung-heap with people ripping each other’s eyes out and then cutting their own throats.”
“When you turn on the convention, you’ll see blacks and white, gays and straights, men and women, and every one of them will be united in hating the rest of them,” Haichu explained. “When you ask yourself, ‘What does Democracy look like,’ you’ll finally be able to answer: It looks like a group of masked hooligans dressed in black burning down your neighborhood for no reason.’ Of course that’s also what fascist terror looks like, but you’ll be able to tell the difference because we’re Democrats so it’s right in the name.”
After a series of preliminary speeches from virtual Republicans who have become virtual Democrats because they couldn’t get elected virtual dog-catcher in the Republican Party, the Democrats will break out the big guns, firing indiscriminately at anyone who disagrees with them.
To underscore the breadth of the party’s outreach, the convention will be made available through various platforms including being painted on the forehead of the George Washington monument on Mt. Rushmore and written in blood on the houses of the Democrat’s enemies.
You will also be able to download the convention directly by driving a nail into the center of your forehead to recreate the experience of listening to John Kasich giving a speech.
Finally, Kamala Harris will accept the nomination wearing a Joe Biden mask which she’ll take off to reveal a Kamala Harris mask which she’ll take off to reveal Kamala Harris.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: NYT Study: ‘Every Time A Rioter Vandalizes A Statue, An Underprivileged Child Gets An Education’