According to the New York Times, a former newspaper, a three-and-a-half-year investigation by seventeen reporters combing through thousands of documents obtained by some of the most anonymous sources in the country has revealed that President Donald Trump has cooties.
The bombshell report is expected to be a turning point in the Trump presidency when the walls start closing in on the beginning of the end.
In a 50,000-word story published under the headline, “Neener, Neener, Neener, Trump is a Wiener,” the Times reports that Trump’s nomination of Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court has proven beyond a doubt that Trump likes girls — many of whom are known cooties carriers — and was reportedly seen with Barrett sitting in a tree K. I. S. S. I. N. G.
It’s not known whether Trump’s cooties were contracted during this incident or whether it was just a natural outgrowth of the fact that Trump’s mother wore army boots and bought him Mega Bloks instead of Legos.
Times Editor-in-Chief Blithering Prevarication the Third said he delivered a copy of the cooties story to Trump personally by driving by the White House, hurling the copy onto the Rose Garden lawn, then hanging his bare buttocks out the car window while Editor Dean Baquet made rude noises by putting his hand in his armpit and pumping his arm up and down.
Mr. Third says the cooties bombshell is only the first in a series of journalistic exposes that will prove that Trump is a doo-doo head and a giant walking booger whose face looks like a butt.
In a speech to Miss Brown’s Third Grade class at P.S. 192, Mr. Third told the students that Trump also throws like a girl.
Trump responded to the attacks by claiming the Times was fake news. Mr. Third responded by saying, “I know you are but what am I?” Whereupon the two men rolled around on the grass and punched one another until they were sent to the principal’s office.
Election 2020 continues.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: NY Times To Investigate Why Latest Anti-Trump Bombshell From Acme Bombshell Co. Blew Up In Their Faces