The New York Times, a former newspaper, has begun an investigation into why its latest anti-Trump bombshell exploded in-house, blowing several editors sky-high, after which they plummeted downward with a strangely hilarious whistling sound, passed eye-level with ridiculously blackened faces set in expressions of comical dismay, and then smashed into the ground at high speed where they were transformed into flat circular editor bodies waddling around on absurdly stumpy legs.
In a statement released by Times bombshell coordinator Wile E. Coyote, the newspaper said, “We can’t understand it. We ordered the bombshell directly from the Acme Anti-Trump Bombshell Company with whom we’ve been doing business for a long time.”
“Acme sent us the Russian Collusion bombshell which we planted in front of the Trump train just before the train came out of a previously non-existent tunnel and ran us over,” Coyote explained. “Acme also supplied the Impeachment Bombshell which we dropped on Trump from a height only to have the president pass beneath it unharmed after which we went down to investigate and were crushed under the falling bombshell ourselves.”
“Then of course Acme sent us the Michael Avenatti Stormy Daniels bombshell which we’re sure will blow up Trump’s campaign as soon as Mr. Avenatti gets out of prison,” he added. “We are completely baffled about what went wrong this time.”
The latest Times bombshell from the Acme company was a study of Trump’s tax returns which contained the explosive information that Trump pays the smallest amount of taxes legally possible just like every single other human being everywhere forever.
The Times announced this with headlines in typeface so large that the headline didn’t fit on the page and will not be completed until late October, about the same time Amy Coney Barrett is confirmed as the third justice Trump has appointed to the Supreme Court.
Times Editor-in-Chief Blithering Prevarication the Third announced the former paper will deliver more Acme bombshells as election day nears. Mr. Third then excused himself so he could go water Joe Biden.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: News Media Declares That Biden’s Debate Performance Tomorrow Was Great