Biden Plans to Change Trump Policies and Put America Eighth [Satire]

US President-elect Joe Biden, touches his facemask, as he announces his economic team at The Queen Theater in Wilmington, Delaware, on December 1, 2020. (Photo by Chandan KHANNA / AFP) (Photo by CHANDAN KHANNA/AFP via Getty Images)
Chandan Khanna/AFP via Getty Images

Joe Biden says America is back. The 117-year-old President-Elect made the announcement while on his back in a hospital bed where he’s recovering after breaking his foot while playing with Rover, a stuffed unicorn who can get awfully darned frisky and has caused Biden to fall down several times even though he was in a corner all the way across the room.

Biden says he plans to engineer the comeback of whatever he was talking about by completely reversing the policies of his predecessor George You Know the Thing. For instance, President Thing believed in America First. Biden says he will instead promote America Eighth, in which he deals with the nation’s problems only after tending to those of Lichtenstein, Kyrgyzstan, Lesotho, Bhutan, Andorra, the Grenadines and Kansas.

Likewise, Biden plans to change Operation Warp Speed to Operation Biden My Time, in which vaccines to deal with the pandemic will be produced in the relaxed, nice-and-easy atmosphere of a friendly checker game on a front porch in the middle of August and will be handed out one by one by gentle old codgers in baggy pants and comfortable shoes after a friendly conversation and perhaps a cup of tea, assuming the recipient has not already died by the time all that’s over.

What’s more, Biden plans to completely dial back the Abraham Accords, which have made great strides toward bringing peace to the Middle East, and will instead implement the Obama Accords in which ambassadors from Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates meet in a locked room with the Iranian Revolutionary Guard and whoever comes out alive gets to set Syria on fire while bombing Israel off the map.

Finally, Biden says he plans to reverse the whatchmacallit in order to lead whatever country he’s in in a new direction to bring about something that he’s sure would be great if he could just remember what it was.

Biden says he hopes this program will finally inspire unity and friendship between the Nazis and whatever idiots voted for him.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: In Hilarious Comic Masterpiece, NYT Editor Tweets Paper Will Treat Biden As They Did Trump

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