President-not-quite-elect Joe Biden has announced that his first order of business is to form a Coronavirus Task Force to pretend to be doing something while the Trump administration distributes the vaccine with the help of their Project Warp Speed.
Biden is assembling a team of Very Serious Looking People to look very serious as the Trump vaccine is handed out, after which the task force will discuss the necessity of wearing the masks we no longer have to wear because under the Trump administration we’ve now developed a vaccine.
Future Former President Biden says it’s very important to continue to seem to work on the Chinese Virus because otherwise he might have to come out of the basement and then one of those scary people with microphones might ask him a difficult question, although that’s never happened before.
Wannabe President Biden said he had to continue to pretend to be very serious about the Chinese Virus because otherwise he would just have to go back to yelling slurred, incomprehensible words in the voice of an angry old man, which just makes him look silly when even he can’t understand what he’s talking about or why he’s yelling like that all the time.
The President-in-the-minds-of-the-media said, “The Chinese Flu is a major issue and if it’s not a major issue that’s a major issue. For one thing, whenever I hear the word China, my eyes light up with dollar signs because I start thinking of that great deal Hunter made with them. And for another thing, I forgot the last thing.”
Make-believe President Biden further said that now that the main issue he used to scare voters into voting for a dithering and venal old hack was being pulled out from under him by the Trump vaccine, he would have to come up with new ways to scare voters like suddenly shouting, “Look out for that spider!” or “Climate change is going to destroy the world.”
He says he’s sure he’ll think of something.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: Opinion: It’s None of Your Damned Business Who Won the Election