Opinion: It’s None of Your Damned Business Who Won the Election

Many people are asking where does the presidential race stand at this hour, and the answer is: Shut up, and mind your own business. Who the hell do you think you are, butting into the deep and important workings of government? Do you have any idea how complicated that is? You think it can be done by just any Tom, Dick or Harry? And don’t even get me started on women trying to figure it out.

Listen, when we said this was government of the people we didn’t mean just any people. We meant the right people. Experts. People who went to good schools and wear nice suits and dockers with no socks on.

Just because you got out of bed this morning, looked down and happened to find your feet standing in the freest constitutional republic on the face of the earth, that doesn’t mean you can just go swaggering around behaving like you’re in the freest constitutional republic on the face of the earth. That’s more, like, just kind of a brand name.

You can rest assured that behind the cardboard partitions we’ve pasted over the government buildings so no one can see in, we are counting these votes in the most honest possible way we can to get the best outcome.

The secretary of states who are handling the task are some of our finest. You can rest assured that these people will not stop counting the votes they accidentally left in the trunks of their cars until Joe Biden is president — or lunchtime, whichever gives the best value for the dollar.

So look, you went out, you waited on line, you voted — now let us do the work we need to do to fix things up again. There’s a reason they call us public servants. It’s because the public are our servants. At least, I always thought that’s what it meant.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Examining the Causes of the Deep Division Between Americans and Democrats