Biden Addresses Pandemic With Bold New Plan Trump Has Already Completed [Satire]

Joe Biden attends the announcement of the members of his health team, including his pick for secretary of Health and Human Services Xavier Becerra, at the Queen Theater December 08, 2020 in Wilmington, Delaware. With the novel coronavirus pandemic continuing to ravage the country with daily records for infections and deaths, members of Biden's health team said they will make fighting COVID-19 the priority. (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)
Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

President-Pretty-Much-Elect Joe Biden has announced his dynamic new plan to address the pandemic.

Biden, who campaigned for president by hiding in his cellar and wearing a mask, says he will recommend that all Americans hide in their cellars wearing masks until they too become president, then all the presidents can come out together and walk arm in arm into a bold new future of hiding in the cellar wearing masks.

Biden says he will reverse the horrible pandemic policies of President Trump by encouraging American companies to develop the vaccine that was developed under President Trump.

Biden will then mobilize the government agencies Trump mobilized in order to implement the distribution plan implemented by President Trump in order to get the Trump vaccine to the people Trump has arranged to get it to.

By doing this, Biden says, he will overcome the irresponsible programs of the Trump administration by doing what they’ve already done while the news media congratulates him on his brilliant new plan that was Trump’s plan, and cheers at how much better Biden’s Trump plan is then Trump’s Trump plan because it is much less disruptive than Trump’s plan by being exactly the same so that nothing needs to be changed.

Furthermore, whereas President Trump refused to implement an unconstitutional nationwide lockdown because he was too busy with his plan to develop a vaccine that made an unconstitutional lockdown unnecessary, President-More-or-Less-Elect Biden will implement the unconstitutional lockdown which will not be necessary because of the vaccine and so will not be implemented because it’s unconstitutional.

Finally, in order to inspire Americans to do what’s right, Biden will wear a mask and hide in the basement until the vaccine is delivered or it’s naptime, whichever comes first.

Biden says he believes his absolutely new plan that is Trump’s plan will save the lives of hundreds of thousands of 90-year-olds although it may be difficult to tell whether their lives were saved or not.

The news media’s response to Biden’s announcement was unanimously dishonest and corrupt.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: In Delightful Self-Satirizing Performance Art, Dr. Birx Says ‘We Know Precisely What to Do’ To Stop Surging Virus

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