In Delightful Self-Satirizing Performance Art, Dr. Birx Says ‘We Know Precisely What to Do’ To Stop Surging Virus [Satire]

WASHINGTON, DC - MAY 22: White House coronavirus response coordinator Deborah Birx speaks during a news briefing at the James Brady Press Briefing Room of the White House on May 22, 2020 in Washington, DC. President Trump announced news CDC guidelines that churches and places of worship are essential and must reopen now. (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)
Alex Wong/Getty Images

A woman wearing a mask who claims to be Dr. Deborah Birx but, let’s face it, could be anybody, recently commented on the current surge in the Chinese Flu or the WuFlu or the Kung Flu or the Chicom Flu or the Andrew Cuomo Death Bug, as it is known among terrified New York old people.

The alleged Dr. Birx – who claims to be the White House Coronavirus Response Coordinator but may not even be Dr. Birx let alone the White House Coronavirus Response Coordinator – said, and this is a real quote, “Only we can save us from the current surge, and we know precisely what to do.”

When reporters asked the putative Dr. Birx to elaborate on what precisely we precisely know precisely to do, she said:

“We must wear the masks we didn’t have to wear but now should wear though they won’t protect us if they’re worn beneath the nose or above the mouth or over the face, though that may protect your grandmother who, of course, is already dead if she lives in New York State.

“Then we must shut restaurants unless they are serving rich people and stop celebrating any holiday that suggests there is a spiritual power in the universe higher than your local public officials.

“Those who are already ill must die alone in order to discourage others from going outdoors where there is no danger of catching the virus unless you are indoors and wearing a mask which would be useless in that situation.

“Everyone must stay at home except those delivery people who have to bring us our food while we move large amounts of cash into each other’s bank accounts via Zoom conference calls, and of course, governors who need a night on the town.

“If we precisely follow these precise instructions to perform what we know precisely are the precisely correct actions, we will die like flies, but at least the economy will collapse.”

Thank you, Dr. Birx — if that’s who you are.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: In Hilarious Comic Masterpiece, NYT Editor Tweets Paper Will Treat Biden As They Did Trump

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