We went to the White House event for Ohio State, met President Trump and walked around pitching our newest proposal, D.O.S.E - Department of Sports Efficiency.

Hour 1

Crain & Company

D.O.S.E. Will Make Sports Great Again

We went to the White House event for Ohio State, met President Trump and walked around pitching our newest proposal, D.O.S.E - Department of Sports Efficiency.

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D.O.S.E. Will Make Sports Great Again [Member Exclusive]

I’ve heard about many bizarre trends on the internet, especially when it comes to dating and marriage. The latest ones making the rounds might be the most outrageous yet. Let’s talk about “hotwifing” and “apart-ners.”

The Comments Section with Reagan Conrad

The “Marriage Hack” That’s Actually Toxic

The “Marriage Hack” That’s Actually Toxic [Member Exclusive]

This week, Ben salutes the brave space tourists who boldly went 62 miles up to take selfies, and roasts Coachella’s parade of weirdos in bondage costumes. Plus, Fyre Festival 2 crashes before it even launches, and a Hollywood director wants to cancel Trump’s Home Alone cameo—32 years later. Solid plan.

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Ben After Dark

Space Karens, Desert Weirdos & the Ghost of Trump Cameos Past [Member Exclusive]

This week, Ben salutes the brave space tourists who boldly went 62 miles up to take selfies, and roasts Coachella’s parade of weirdos in bondage costumes. Plus, Fyre Festival 2 crashes before it even launches, and a Hollywood director wants to cancel Trump’s Home Alone cameo—32 years later. Solid plan.

Space Karens, Desert Weirdos & the Ghost of Trump Cameos Past

Our friends on the left have absurd ideas. We should make fun of those absurd ideas. Introducing, satire. If we can&#8217;t find the humor in absurdity, the world becomes too grim to bear. This collection features some of Andrew Klavan&#8217;s most popular satire. Don&#8217;t take it too seriously. But it is serious. Enjoy.

klavan-satire

Cliff Levy, the Associate Managing Editor of the New York Times, a former newspaper, has tweeted that the Times, “will scrutinize the incoming administration just as thoroughly as we did the outgoing one.”
And yes, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, Oh, Klavan, you uproarious Punchinello of miraculous mirth, where do you come up with these absurd and yet side-splitting knee-slaps of hilarious satire that stretch the very limits of imagination past the shadowy borderlands of the preposterous into the cosmic wonderworld of the totally ridiculous?
But no. I’m actually not making this up.
Cliff Levy, who works at the New York Times, where anyone who is polite to a Republican is drummed out of the city by a gang of 20-year-old trust fund credentialists who think that women in the Soviet Union had great sex in an apartment with one bedroom and three other families right up to the moment their husbands were taken into a prison basement and shot in the back of the head for having once wished out loud that they didn’t have to wait on line for bread…
Cliff Levy thinks that that newspaper is going to cover Joe Biden’s administration honestly and fairly.
Well, I, for one, believe him. Because I’m an idiot. And I’m really looking forward to the day when the New York Times matches their story headlined, “Brett Kavanaugh’s Brutal Rape Spree,” with their story headlined, “Tara Reade: Wasn’t She Kind of Asking For It?” I can’t wait till they match the story headlined, “Trump, Demonic Hellhound of Hitlerian History,” with their story headlined, “Joe Biden, How Cute is His Cat?” And of course, I’m holding my breath for when they match the think piece, “Trump: Is he Evil or Really, Really Evil?” with their feature, “Joe Biden: “It’s Not Dementia, It’s Just So Much Goodness He Can’t Get the Words Out.”
Cliff Levy thinks the New York Times will cover Joe Biden fairly. I actually wish I’d made that up, but I’m just not that funny.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/biden-team-hopes-to-reverse-trumps-policies-and-return-america-to-endless-wars-stagnation-and-despair-satire">Biden Team Hopes to Reverse Trump’s Policies and Return America to Endless Wars, Stagnation and Despair</a>

NYT Trump

In Hilarious Comic Masterpiece, NYT Editor Tweets Paper Will Treat Biden As They Did Trump

Media Bias

New York Times

Readers Pass

Satire

The Media is overcome with joy over their decision that Joe Biden will be the next president of the United States.
Lying on a velvet divan and sipping a cucumber lemonade and gin while receiving a massage from his pool boy, CNN anchorman Anderson Cooper said, “After years of our comparing Trump to Hitler, lying about his relationship with Russia and undermining even his most beneficial policies, we can at last return to normal levels of civility where I call ordinary Americans tea-baggers and no one criticizes me for it.”
Van Jones, meanwhile, was crying in the arms of Brian Stelter who was weeping on the shoulder of Van Jones who was sobbing into Brian Stelter’s counterpane while Brian blew his nose in Van Jones souvenir copy of the Green New Deal, and one or the other of them said, “At last, we can tell our children that character counts and honesty matters. Not to us, of course, because we work for CNN, but to Donald Trump because if he could have pretended to have character and honesty like we pretend to, he too could have been an anchorman at CNN.
&#8220;Instead, he chose the darker path of restoring the economy and bringing peace to the Middle East so we had to assail him with any lie available until we could tell our children that character counts and honesty matters because we have to tell our children something or else they might find out what we really do for a living.”
The rest of his statement was drowned out by loud wails and nose-blowing.
At ABC News George Stephanopoulos said, “I am thrilled that the dark center of American corruption has finally passed away from the White House so it can return to ABC News where it belongs.”
Stephanopoulos said that having spent so much of his life silencing women, he now felt free to put that talent to use getting Van Jones and Brian Stelter to stop crying so damn loudly.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/why-wont-republicans-accept-that-biden-defeated-the-illegitimate-russian-asset-masquerading-as-president-satire">Why Won’t Republicans Accept that Biden Defeated the Illegitimate Russian Asset Masquerading as President?</a>

Brian Stelter

Media Celebrates the End of Trump’s Dishonesty and Corruption Because They Couldn’t Stand the Competition [Satire]

Donald Trump

Democrats are shocked and also appalled that Republicans will not accept Joe Biden’s defeat of the illegitimate president who illegally cheated Hillary Clinton out of her rightful victory by his conspiracy with Vladimir Putin to put an ad on Facebook.
The Democrats are demanding that the racist, fascist, sexist, homophobic, stinkpot dung-faced Republicans embrace the new spirit of unity that has arisen since Biden toppled the filthy Hitlerian dictator foisted on America by deplorable traitors whose names should be recorded to ensure they’re never able to show their faces in public.
In that same spirt of good will, the Democrats are now seeking to allay Republican suspicions of electoral fraud with a sweeping program of reforms that will guarantee no one ever questions their victories ever again.
Since we have a glorious federal system where each individual state is free to choose its own way of doing whatever Democrats tell them to, the new reforms will be applied locally until the entire voting process is so transparent you can’t even see it taking place.
For instance, one suggested reform in Chicago is that local gang members be enlisted to keep order at polling places by driving by them at intervals and in a helpful, polite way, spraying them with gunfire. Anyone who survives will then be able to freely cast their vote in whatever way the gang members tell them to.
In Philadelphia, the voters will place their vote in an adorable receptacle shaped like a Minute Man and when the Minute Man is filled, it will be demolished and use for landfill, while votes are counted in a secret location with tinfoil taped over the windows.
In Detroit, voters will be bussed to voting places, with Democrats boarding a bus marked with a D, and Republicans boarding a bus marked with a sign saying “Next Stop Tallahassee.”
With these and other reforms, Democrats hope to remove any doubts Republicans might have and those doubts that remain are sure to vanish once they reach Twitter.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/biden-forms-corona-task-force-to-marvel-at-trumps-vaccine-satire">Biden Forms Corona Task Force to Marvel at Trump’s Vaccine </a>

Biden Trump Masks

Why Won’t Republicans Accept that Biden Defeated the Illegitimate Russian Asset Masquerading as President? [Satire]

Joe Biden

The news media is ecstatic about how well Joe Biden did in tomorrow’s debate.
According to the New York Times, a former newspaper:
“Biden’s performance tomorrow was masterful as for ninety full minutes, against all expectations, he managed to stand on his feet and utter words so that one could only compare him to John F. Kennedy who also stood for ninety minutes and also uttered words. Donald Trump had spent much of the run-up to the contest making fun of the fact that the former Vice President has barely left his basement and has never been asked a difficult question, but all that so-called humor ended tomorrow when Biden absolutely crushed the bumptious incumbent by never once making the sort of gaffe in the future that he has repeatedly made in the past.”
CNN’s Brian Stelter was so impressed with Biden’s performance tomorrow that he had to go to bed early and sob with gratitude into his My Little Pony pillowcase.
In a private conversation with his dolly Buttercup, Stelter said, “Biden’s performance Tuesday was so spectacular, I just can’t wait for Monday to end so Tuesday can be here. Many people say that CNN is biased, or one-sided, or so intellectually corrupt that a living brain cell would die of toxic dishonesty if it even wandered by one of our studios, but no one of any political stripe could disagree that Biden delivered one of the greatest debate performances tomorrow that anyone could have imagined or is imagining right this moment.”
At NBC News, Chuck Todd could only shake his head in wonder at how well Biden did tomorrow. He said, “As everyone knows, I am an honest, straight-down-the-middle, take-no-sides journalist of the old school, but from my perspective on this Monday, I have to say Tuesday was a Biden triumph all around.”
Donald Trump called for Biden to be tested for drugs, but the Biden campaign said the drugs would’ve worn off by tomorrow when Biden won so that made no sense.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/democrats-say-hunter-bidens-massive-scandal-is-nowhere-near-as-bad-as-that-time-trump-did-nothing-wrong-satire">Democrats Say Hunter Biden’s Massive Scandal Is Nowhere Near As Bad As That Time Trump Did Nothing Wrong</a>

News Media Declares That Biden’s Debate Performance Tomorrow Was Great [Satire]

2020 Election

The media and other Democrats say reports of Hunter Biden’s massive corruption are nowhere near as bad as that time Donald Trump did nothing wrong.
The charges against Hunter were detailed in a congressional report which was issued in the form of a poster-size photograph of Hunter under the words, “Have you seen this man?”
The report says Hunter received a $3.5 million wire transfer from Elena Baturina, a Russian who became rich after receiving lucrative contracts from the city of Moscow, where her husband was mayor.
Democrats say there’s nothing to see here because it was the sort of payment anyone might receive from a deeply corrupt Russian businesswoman in return for absolutely nothing.
The report also says Hunter paid large amounts of money to what “appears to be an Eastern European prostitution or human trafficking ring.”
But Democrats say there’s nothing to see here because Hunter probably needed a massage after carrying around all that heavy money from Elena Baturina.
The report says further that Hunter made more millions as a consultant to the energy company Burisma even though he had no expertise in the field.
But Democrats say there’s nothing to see here because they’ve ripped out their eyeballs and set them on fire so there’s literally nothing they can see.
Even officials within the Obama administration were concerned that Hunter’s behavior while his father was Vice President might have created the impression that the Bidens were running a corrupt scam out of the White House, but Democrats say there’s nothing to see here because skiddleewink shaban do-do kragnatz.
Reporters immediately gathered around Joe Biden’s basement to ask the candidate such tough questions as “What does it say about Donald Trump’s soul, that after killing thousands of people by giving them coronavirus, he has the gall to accuse your beloved son of some sort of wrongdoing just because he made millions off corrupt Russian and Ukranian officials while you were VP?”
Biden responded, “Come on, man. Here’s the deal,” and Democrats say that clears up everything.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/new-book-claims-bidens-word-salads-are-really-coded-cries-for-help-satire">New Book Claims Biden’s Word Salads Are Really Coded Cries For Help</a>

Hunter Biden Joe Biden

Democrats Say Hunter Biden’s Massive Scandal Is Nowhere Near As Bad As That Time Trump Did Nothing Wrong [Satire]

Hunter Biden

I support Amy Coney Barrett for Supreme Court Justice because it is way past time we put a hot woman on the highest court in the land.
Women have been Supreme Court Justices before, but let’s face it, they were no oil paintings. Meanwhile, we’ve had Jewish justices and blacks and Latinos, but hot women — or babes, as they’re sometimes called — or foxes — or cutie pies — have for too long been relegated to humdrum lives of getting everything they want without having to do anything but look that amazing way they look.
In this country, a hot woman can’t even get arrested, because the minute the cop gets a gander at her, he lets her off the hook in some vague hope that she might like him, which is absurd, because she’s way too hot to waste her life on a flatfoot.
If we make Amy Coney Barrett a Supreme Court Justice, on the other hand, we’ll be able to stand proudly before all the world and say, “Get an eye-load of that tomato! I bet you haven’t got anyone who looks like THAT deciding Constitutional questions in your neck of the woods.”
Plus, if you think she’s cute now, remember she’s Catholic so she’s got, like, a hundredy-twelve children. Imagine how insanely hot she was before she started with all that nonsense.
Now I know, there are some people who might say that nominating a woman to the Supreme Court just because she’s a premium piece of eye candy is shallow or sexist or disrespectful or something.
Let me be frank. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Are you even speaking English? Because to me it’s like your mouth is open but all that’s coming out is this high-pitched buzzing noise, like Donald Sutherland at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
I simply support Amy Coney Barrett over the other potential justices because she’s more intelligent, more insightful, more learned and obviously a cinch to win the swimsuit competition.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/with-ginsburg-gone-democrats-say-they-must-destroy-the-country-in-order-to-save-it-satire">With Ginsburg Gone, Democrats Say They Must Destroy The Country In Order To Save It</a>

Miss America

Nominate Amy Coney Barrett: Because It’s Time We Had A Babe On The Supreme Court [Satire]

Amy Coney Barrett

Supreme Court

In the wake of the death of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, different parties are preparing a response.
The Republicans say President Trump should nominate a replacement and proceed to seek the advice and consent of the Senate as prescribed by the Constitution.
The Democrats say they will burn every city in the country to the ground, terrorize innocent citizens, bring the economy to a standstill and in short continue doing what they’ve been doing for the last four months.
NeverTrumpers say they will support the Democrats because Donald Trump is a danger to the Constitution.
Republicans say they want to appoint a justice who will honor the vision of the American founders and respect the text of the Constitution as written.
Democrats say they want to appoint a justice who will interpret the Constitution as a living document on which all the living words are able to jump up and run away so they can be replaced by other living words that will exchange Americans’ God-given rights for make-believe rights like the right to kill children, the right to use other people’s money as their own, and the right to control the thoughts and actions of their fellow citizens according to any crazy race-based theory they think will serve to destroy the freedoms for which our forefathers fought and died.
NeverTrumpers say they will support the Democrats because Donald Trump is a danger to the Constitution.
The Republicans say we must proceed in keeping with our traditions and laws.
The Democrats say we must honor the dying wish of Justice Ginsburg because she is an angel now like Princess Leia at the end of The Rise of Skywalker, and so has become part of the light side of the Force, and anyone who is against her is on the dark side and must be destroyed, including the writers of the Constitution which is based on slavery or something.
NeverTrumpers say we must support the Democrats because Donald Trump icky-poo stinky-face gobbledegook bing-bong.
So 2020 continues as usual.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/bombshell-new-book-bombshell-by-anonymous-is-a-bombshell-say-anonymous-sources-anonymous">BOMBSHELL: New Book ‘Bombshell’ By Anonymous Is A Bombshell Say Anonymous Sources: Anonymous</a>

Nancy Pelosi

With Ginsburg Gone, Democrats Say They Must Destroy The Country In Order To Save It [Satire]

Democratic Party

Ruth Bader Ginsburg

In an emergency conclave held in the ruined Castle of Duplicity set high on the fog-shrouded crags of Mount Corruption, a coven of American journalists gathered in their ceremonial black robes last night to discuss how to disparage Donald Trump’s progress toward peace in the Middle East.
As lightning repeatedly turned the black clouds a sickly gray as a cinematic symbol of ultimate evil, the chairman of the dark gathering, Lord High Master of All Fraudulence George Stephanopoulos called the meeting to order by pounding his gavel made from the skull of an inconvenient child by a Democrat politician’s mistress on a pentagram drawn in the blood of Jeffrey Epstein.
Stephanopoulos suggested that Trump’s Middle East peace deal might be downplayed if the media simply did not ask White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany even a single question that might distract the public from the latest meaningless bombshell from Bob Woodward, who attended the meeting in the shape of a bat, hanging upside down from a stalactite.
Dean Baquet of the New York Times, a former newspaper, also attended in his true form, slithering across the floor to suggest that journalists might explain to their audience that Middle East peace is a grave impediment to the oppressed Palestinians’ yearning to wipe every Jew off the face of the earth.
The suggestion was met with such loud cackling laughter that NBC’s Chuck Todd burst into flame before regaining his shape as a cloven-tailed demon, no bigger than a man’s fist.
CNN’s Dana Bash, who arrived in a puff of purple smoke dressed in black leather and attended by a snarling Brian Stelter and Jim Acosta writhing in chains, suggested that perhaps they could convince the public that peace in the Middle East would lead to war.
Before the gathering could draft a final plan, however, the sun rose, breaking through the black shroud of darkness and forcing the entire conclave back under their worm-ridden rocks, which many of the journalists complained was a violation of the First Amendment.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/bombshell-new-book-bombshell-by-anonymous-is-a-bombshell-say-anonymous-sources-anonymous">BOMBSHELL: New Book ‘Bombshell’ By Anonymous Is A Bombshell Say Anonymous Sources: Anonymous</a>

Shakespeare – Three Witches from Macbeth

Coven of Journalists Meet on Fog-Shrouded Crags of Mount Corruption to Discuss How to Disparage Trump’s Mideast Peace Deal [Satire]

Middle East

Media commentators and other wastes of the precious gift of human life are saying that a new bombshell book about Donald Trump could mark a tipping point when the walls start closing in on the beginning of the end of a crucial period at the crossroads of a juncture of a defining moment when push comes to shove in the crunch of an emergency that could be the tipping point of the beginning of the end of the flashpoint when the walls start closing in on the defining event of the Trump administration.
The new bombshell of a book is entitled &#8220;Bombshell: How the Trump Administration Reached a Tipping Point When the Walls Closed in on the Beginning of the End.”
According to anonymous sources, excerpts have been leaked to the press by anonymous sources who confirm that the anonymous sources reporting on the anonymous sources are, in fact, anonymous which, coincidentally, is the name of the author of &#8220;Bombshell: How the Trump Administration Reached a Tipping Point When the Walls Closed in on the Beginning of the End,&#8221; which anonymous sources say could be a bombshell that marks the tipping point when the walls closed in on the beginning of the end of the Trump administration.
Anonymous sources who have read the excerpts of &#8220;Bombshell&#8221; by Anonymous have told anonymous sources that they contain stunning revelations about the Trump Administration, which could mark a crucial juncture of a defining event when those stunning revelations come to light and are revealed to be truly stunning.
The New York Times, a former newspaper, declared the book&#8217;s stunning revelations to be a stunning bombshell and denounced Trump in what was either a front page news story or an editorial on the op-ed page, depending on which way you’re holding the paper. The paper declared that this could definitely be the beginning of the end of the beginning of the end of the beginning.
President Trump could not be reached for comment because he was busy bringing peace to the Middle East.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/biden-insists-on-giving-speech-in-cornfield-because-he-says-the-audience-there-is-all-ears-satire">Biden Insists On Giving Speech In Cornfield Because He Says The Audience There Is All Ears </a>

BOMBSHELL: New Book ‘Bombshell’ By Anonymous Is A Bombshell Say Anonymous Sources: Anonymous [Satire]

Standing in a cornfield yesterday, Joe Biden blamed Donald Trump for the weather. And yes, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you Klavan-like master of Klavanian wit, your satiric humor stands at such a pinnacle of human creation, you can only be compared to yourself so that your image in our minds enters an infinite regress of self-reflection and all things seem to become at once Klavan and the satire of Klavan as written by Klavan about Klavan.”
And sure, I appreciate whatever it is you’re trying to say, but in fact, I am not making this up. Standing in a cornfield yesterday, speaking to an audience that was all ears, Joe Biden said — and this is a real quote: “Donald Trump’s climate denial may not have caused these fires and record floods and record hurricanes, but if he gets a second term, these hellish events will continue to become more common, more devastating and more deadly.”
In a clarification issued later by a sentient human being, the Biden campaign explained that there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for why Biden was standing in a cornfield, and it had to do with his ongoing search for the guy who was turned into a jack-in-the-box and banished to that field by Billy Mumy in the famous Twilight Zone episode.
The clarification went on to explain that when Biden blamed Trump for the weather, it was only because he remembered the old days when skies were blue and there was calm upon the face of the waters, and peace reigned in the garden and God saw that it was good. But then, Orange Man Bad arose in the east like a blood-red moon and weather came, and the winds blew and the waters rose and death was over all the earth and the tears of an Indian Chief fell because of the litter and the people were sad.
After his speech, Biden continued his search for the jack-in-the-box guy and has not been seen since.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/poll-shows-biden-leading-among-voters-who-need-a-good-laugh-satire">Poll Shows Biden Leading Among Voters Who Need A Good Laugh</a>

Biden Insists On Giving Speech In Cornfield Because He Says The Audience There Is All Ears [Satire]

A new poll shows Joe Biden would defeat Donald Trump if the election were held today in a science fiction horror movie where all the people have been taken over by space plants and have either become mindless zombie-like creatures or CNN viewers or both.
According to the poll from the Dogface Pony Soldier polling agency, 53 percent of voters are hoping either to vote for Biden on election day or be swept up to Heaven in the Rapture, whichever is less expensive.
Seventeen percent of voters want Biden elected because it’s just been such a depressing year and they could use a good laugh.
Twenty-two percent of voters want Biden to win because it’s about time senile people broke the glass ceiling that for so long has prevented them from sitting in the Oval Office drooling and muttering completely incomprehensible nonsense.
And nine percent want Biden to win because he cares about people like them who also don’t know where they are or what they’re talking about.
The remaining five percent are CIA Agents who want to run the country and feel that Donald Trump is standing in their way.
There’s still an enthusiasm gap between Biden and Trump. Twenty-one percent of Biden voters say they’ll make the effort to vote for him if they wake up in the morning and find themselves at a polling place with a marker in their hands.
Twelve percent say they’ll vote for him if someone will drive them to the polls and give them a thousand dollars.
Eight percent say they’ll vote for him if a grizzly bear is chasing them and the only place they can find to hide is the elementary school where they think they voted last time though they’re not sure.
And the remaining eight percent say they’ll vote for Biden by mail now that they’re dead and Democrats copied their name off their headstone.
Joe Biden says he found the polls encouraging, though he’s still planning to vote for that orange haired fellow because he seems nice.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/oscars-to-have-new-inclusion-rule-to-ensure-absolutely-no-one-cares-about-oscars-satire">Oscars To Have New Inclusion Rule To Ensure Absolutely No One Cares About Oscars</a>

Joe Biden Accepts Presidential Nomination At Democratic National Convention

Poll Shows Biden Leading Among Voters Who Need A Good Laugh [Satire]

The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has developed a new inclusion requirement for Oscar-nominated films. The Academy says it wants to make sure the winning films contain significant roles for groups who are under-represented in Hollywood, like moral people and people who know what they’re talking about.
The new Inclusion rule is a reaction to the Oscars-so-White controversy that erupted in 2015 after it was discovered that even though black people win Oscars at a rate representative of their numbers in the general population, Will Smith had been passed over for that crappy film &#8220;Concussion&#8221; no one saw and his wife was going to make a big racial stink about it.
Because of the new inclusion rule, there will now be several more categories of nomination, which means the awards program will expand from five and a half hours to infinity, and the audience will drop from no one to literally no one.
Among the new categories will be, “Best Film Containing Two Latinos, an Asian who Doesn’t Use a Computer, a Woman Who Identifies as a Man and is Played by a Man Who Identifies as a Woman and is Therefore Actually a Man Who Identifies as a Man Pretending to be a Woman Pretending to be a Man, Plus a Black Guy.”
There’ll also be “Best Film Containing a Black Guy Who Was a White Guy in the Original Screenplay Until the Jewish Screenwriter Realized No Way He Was Going to Get This Puppy Sold Unless he Made At Least One Major Character Black.”
Another Category will be “Best Film That Makes Some Absolutely Reprehensible Sexual Perversion Look Sympathetic and Still Manges to Break Even.”
And finally there’ll be a category for “Best Historical Film with a Black Actor Absurdly Cast as a Character Who Never Would Have Been Black in Those Days Under Any Circumstances.”
Academy President Milo Scabrous says the new inclusion rule is meant to ensure that powerful Hollywood producers continue to look virtuous while raping children and selling out to Chinese dictators.
More satire from Andrew Klavan:

Joe Biden at the Oscars

Oscars To Have New Inclusion Rule To Ensure Absolutely No One Cares About Oscars [Satire]

Hollywood

Oscars

Disney is under fire for filming its new live action version of Mulan in a Chinese city where Muslim minorities are held in prison camps. Mulan tells the legendary story of a young girl who becomes a famous warrior instead of being killed in the first fifteen minutes of any sword battle as she would have been in real life.
The Disney filming of Mulan in a city and country that is violating the most basic rights of its citizens is in direct contrast to Disney’s threat to boycott the state of Georgia if Georgia passed a law guaranteeing religious freedom.
When asked to explain why Disney filmed in a Chinese city that puts religious minorities in camps but refused to film in an American state if it guaranteed religious freedom, Disney spokesman Janus Smug, said, “That’s a very complicated question. No, I’m kidding. The answer is money. The long green. The Almighty Dollar. The Big Somolian. The smackeroo, the cheddar, the Benjamins, the dough, the bread, the casheroni.&#8221;
&#8220;You see, if we bend over backwards or even forwards for the Chinese tyrants who forcibly sterilize women, torture and murder dissidents and intern minorities, our films will be made available to a massive Chinese audience who can fill our pockets with great jingling piles of sweet, sweet ducats which we can then use to buy big houses, cars, private jets and underage girls or, this being Hollywood, boys, all of which is much better than having small houses and cars and having to fly commercial without the 15-year-olds,&#8221; Smug explained.
&#8220;This makes it very important to us that we bring our family friendly fare with its great values and inspiring storylines to the murderous Chinese whereas if we boycott the crackers in Georgia, we’ll look woke for the journos and it will barely cost us a sou,&#8221; Smug added. &#8220;I hope this clarifies the subtle reasoning behind our decision.&#8221;
Disney has already announced their delightful new animated feature &#8220;Mao,&#8221; about an adorable talking Panda who slaughters a hundred million people.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/anonymous-sources-confirm-anonymous-sources-saying-anonymous-sources-dont-like-donald-trump-satire">Anonymous Sources Confirm Anonymous Sources Saying Anonymous Sources Don’t Like Donald Trump</a>

Disney Mulan

Disney Explains Subtle Reasoning Behind Its Decision To Sell Its Soul To China For Tons Of Money [Satire]

China

Disney

Four separate anonymous sources have told The Atlantic magazine that Donald Trump killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.
Though some have protested that a story based entirely on anonymous sources is inherently not a work of journalism, The Atlantic says the four anonymous sources have been confirmed by three other anonymous sources although some of them may be the same sources. It’s hard to tell because they’re anonymous.
Never Trumper Bill Kristol, editor of the commentary website called the Remnant Behind the Bulwark Behind the Ramparts Amidst the Ruins of Bill Kristol’s Credibility, says that while the Atlantic story should not have been published because it was completely without value, he absolutely believes every word of it, because killing a man just to watch him die is exactly the sort of thing Donald Trump would do in Bill Kristol’s imagination after Bill has had a couple of drinks while listening to his favorite Johnny Cash album.
On Fox News, correspondent Jennifer Griffin says her anonymous sources confirmed the anonymous sources who confirmed the anonymous sources at The Atlantic, saying that while Trump has never been in Reno and never killed a man, the bulk of the Atlantic article was otherwise completely correct.
Joe Biden immediately made a campaign stop in Reno where he faced a barrage of tough questions from an Atlantic reporter, who asked, “How bad is it that Trump killed a man in Reno to watch him die, and aren’t you a much nicer person?”
Biden answered that whatever they were talking about was very bad, and that’s why he had come here, wherever it was.
Like the story about Trump saying there were good people among the white supremacists at Charlottesville and the story that Trump called American war heroes suckers, the story of Trump killing a man in Reno was immediately treated by the left as Gospel truth, in the sense that they don’t believe the Gospel either but are willing to cite it if it gives them some political advantage.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/washington-post-vote-for-biden-or-well-kill-you-satire">Washington Post: Vote For Biden Or We’ll Kill You</a>

Johnny Cash

Anonymous Sources Confirm Anonymous Sources Saying Anonymous Sources Don’t Like Donald Trump [Satire]

Either the following is satirical or the original article is satirical, we&#8217;re not sure which.
In The Washington Post, where Democracy dies in flatulent dishonesty, a law professor named Rosa Brooks has written an op-ed gaming out what will happen in various scenarios after the November election.
Brooks reports, “A landslide for Joe Biden resulted in a relatively orderly transfer of power. Every other scenario we looked at involved street-level violence and political crisis.”
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh ho ho, Klavan, you bubbling cauldron of hilarity, once again you have both enlightened us and made us laugh with that rambunctiously rib-tickling satirical wit that somehow manages to capture the absurdity of leftist solipsism while at the same time deepening not only our political understanding but our enjoyment of life as well. And you’re so good-looking too.”
But no, that, so help me, is an actual word-for-word quote from the article.
Rosa Brooks says if we don’t elect a doddering relic of a once-merely-stupid second-rate politician, there will be bloodshed.
Brooks goes on to say, “We consulted some of the most accomplished intellectuals in the bar on the ground floor of our building, and asked them to imagine a series of election scenarios. We concluded that if Donald Trump wins, Democrats will challenge the outcome by stopping the business of government completely through a bogus three-year investigation into Russian interference and, when that blows up in their faces, they’ll move on to reacting hysterically to every little thing Trump does and even impeach him over absolutely nothing.&#8221;
&#8220;Finally, they’ll spread racial hysteria until their fellow leftists are destroying cities and terrorizing ordinary citizens,&#8221; she concluded. &#8220;So vote for Biden or we’ll burn this stupid country to the ground.&#8221;
When she finished writing the article, Miss Brooks set her hair on fire and ran through the halls of the newspaper shrieking until the windows shattered, raining glass on the people below.
The Post op-ed is the first in a series. Tomorrow’s sequel is entitled, “Vote for Biden or we’ll kill you. We know where you live.”
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/democrats-praise-peaceful-protests-as-violent-riots-that-are-trumps-fault-satire">Democrats Praise Peaceful Protests As Violent Riots That Are Trump’s Fault</a>

Protester Fight

Washington Post: Vote For Biden Or We’ll Kill You [Satire]

Washington Post

CNN is now reporting that the mostly peaceful demonstrations for racial justice are all Donald Trump’s fault because they’re violent riots serving no purpose at all.
In the cable network’s latest news show, Preposterous Sources, a Volkswagen pulls up and dozens of CNN commentators amazingly yet hilariously pour out onto the set and begin denouncing Trump for the violence that isn’t happening in the mostly peaceful cities that are burning down for some reason that is Trump’s fault.
After gleefully honking his red rubber nose, Don Lemon told his viewer, “Let me pretend to be clear. These cities you see where innocent people are brutalized — this is Donald Trump’s America — or at least those parts of Donald Trump’s America that are governed by Democrats and that’s why they’re mostly peaceful.&#8221;
&#8220;And I’m very serious about this as you can tell from the faint moistness in my eyes, which I feel gives me the sensitive look of a graceful doe in a peaceful forest glade,&#8221; Lemon added. &#8220;But perhaps that’s beside the point.”
Joe Biden has also emerged from his basement to praise the mostly peaceful protests that are actually riots that are Trump’s fault, so he denounces them.
Speaking to a broom closet he mistook for a meeting of very thin people re-enacting the Bride of Frankenstein, Biden said, “C’mon, man! These are people. When I look at them I see the whole history of a kind of thing that we need to do better because do I look like someone who would support radical leftists like my good friend Bernie Sanders or my running mate Kamala Harris? I mean, who do you think I am?&#8221;
&#8220;No really, who DO you think I am, because I can’t remember,&#8221; Biden said. &#8220;And while you’re at it, where do you think I live, because I’d like to get back in the basement.&#8221;
Biden then declared victory in the election and resigned the presidency, which would make Kamala Harris the first woman of color ever to become president in an old man’s imagination.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/lebron-james-denounces-systemic-prejudice-against-virtue-signaling-china-kowtowing-gazillionaires-satire">LeBron James Denounces Systemic Prejudice Against Virtue-Signaling, China-Kowtowing Gazillionaires</a>

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With Ginsburg Gone, Democrats Say They Must Destroy The Country In Order To Save It [Satire]