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Williamson Suspends Campaign To Spend More Time With Her Cats [Satire]

By  Andrew Klavan
Marianne Williamson and Gwyneth Paltrow attend the In goop Health Summit San Francisco 2019 at Craneway Pavilion on November 16, 2019 in Richmond, California. (Photo by Ian Tuttle/Getty Images for goop)
Ian Tuttle/Getty Images for goop

The following is satirical.

Marianne Williamson has suspended her campaign for president, saying she wants to spend more time with her cats and imaginary friends.  The lovable Hollywood self-help guru said her presidential run foundered when it turned out there were not as many crazy people in America as there seemed to be when she was sitting around watching TV news.

In remarks made to a band of angels coming for to carry her home, Williamson said, “When I watched NBC or CNN, I saw commentators so entirely detached from reality I thought to myself, ‘Wow, if I could bring all those delusional people together, I could really win this thing.’ But it turned out, once you turn off the television, there actually is such a thing as reality, in which I never stood a chance.”

During her campaign, Williamson declared Donald Trump had unleashed a “dark psychic force” on the nation which she would cast out with the power of love. But on further study, she discovered that what had appeared to her to be a dark psychic force was actually a booming economy and what she had thought was the power of love was just a string of meaningless words coming out of her mouth.

Among Williamson’s policy proposals was a plan to distribute between 200 and 500 billion dollars in reparations for slavery. In the event she could not actually summon the spirit of slaves back from the dead with a Ouija board, Williamson promised to simply bury the money in the ground where it would do more good than just giving it to living people for no discernible reason.

One of the highlights of Williamson’s campaign was the time she was caught on a hot mic expressing surprise at the fact that, though she was a leftie, conservatives were nice to her whereas left-wingers were vicious and lied about her all the time and actually seemed as godless as the right said they were.

But after that moment of lucidity, she slipped back into her fantasy world, also known as California.

Related: Wellness Queen Marianne Williamson Officially Drops Out Of 2020 Race. She Will Be Sorely Missed.

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