Rubber masks of US President-elect Joe Biden (L) and US President Donald Trump are seen at the Ogawa Studios mask factory in Saitama, north of Tokyo on November 12, 2020. (Photo by Behrouz MEHRI / AFP)
Behrouz Mehri/AFP via Getty Images


Why Won’t Republicans Accept that Biden Defeated the Illegitimate Russian Asset Masquerading as President? [Satire]

Democrats are shocked and also appalled that Republicans will not accept Joe Biden’s defeat of the illegitimate president who illegally cheated Hillary Clinton out of her rightful victory by his conspiracy with Vladimir Putin to put an ad on Facebook.

The Democrats are demanding that the racist, fascist, sexist, homophobic, stinkpot dung-faced Republicans embrace the new spirit of unity that has arisen since Biden toppled the filthy Hitlerian dictator foisted on America by deplorable traitors whose names should be recorded to ensure they’re never able to show their faces in public.

In that same spirt of good will, the Democrats are now seeking to allay Republican suspicions of electoral fraud with a sweeping program of reforms that will guarantee no one ever questions their victories ever again.

Since we have a glorious federal system where each individual state is free to choose its own way of doing whatever Democrats tell them to, the new reforms will be applied locally until the entire voting process is so transparent you can’t even see it taking place.

For instance, one suggested reform in Chicago is that local gang members be enlisted to keep order at polling places by driving by them at intervals and in a helpful, polite way, spraying them with gunfire. Anyone who survives will then be able to freely cast their vote in whatever way the gang members tell them to.

In Philadelphia, the voters will place their vote in an adorable receptacle shaped like a Minute Man and when the Minute Man is filled, it will be demolished and use for landfill, while votes are counted in a secret location with tinfoil taped over the windows.

In Detroit, voters will be bussed to voting places, with Democrats boarding a bus marked with a D, and Republicans boarding a bus marked with a sign saying “Next Stop Tallahassee.”

With these and other reforms, Democrats hope to remove any doubts Republicans might have and those doubts that remain are sure to vanish once they reach Twitter.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Biden Forms Corona Task Force to Marvel at Trump’s Vaccine 

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