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My parents still live in my childhood home, and I live one street away. It is common for my dad to stop me on jogs for a quick catchup. My wife and I often joke that we can’t escape my parents’ presence. But we don’t want to. At 40, I cannot imagine a life where my father isn’t present. That didn’t happen by accident.
Unfortunately, I am becoming part of a shrinking group. A 2022 study reveals that by adulthood, 28% of daughters and 24% of sons are estranged from their fathers, while only 6% are estranged from their mothers. With so much talk surrounding a myriad of childhood crises these days, I propose we have a fatherhood crisis.
When I was growing up, my dad was hard on me. I was pushed to play sports and always required to have a summer job. But when I’d come home from practice or bussing tables, he was always there. My dad constantly told me he loved me, almost to my exhaustion as I was encouraged to repeat it back. He was teaching me both to be loved and how to love.
Even when I went far from home to play college football, my dad attended every game. Presence was a priority. He taught me that closeness was normal. I have no memories of my dad not being there, and thus I couldn’t envision any other way of life. My dad didn’t just provide; he stayed.
So why are so many men losing their adult children? We can start with divorce. Nearly one-third of American children experience divorce before adulthood. Fathers are far more likely to become the non-resident parent post-divorce. Less time equals weaker bonds.
But while divorce affects the quantity of a dad’s time with his children, it does not explain resignation. Even married fathers can be emotionally absent. This is when the culture takes over instead. I know from the countless times I hear “Daddy, watch me!” that kids want to be seen. When they aren’t seen by their parents, they resort to social media and gaming, where their presence is validated and celebrated. One multi-year study found that as gaming increases, the perceived quality of family relationships tends to deteriorate — especially when parental bonds are weaker. If dad doesn’t see his kids, the algorithm will.
The good news is the same studies indicate that stronger parental attachment (emotional closeness and social support) is linked to lower levels of gaming addiction in adolescents, suggesting that weaker attachment may be associated with more compulsive engagement with games. If you’re a dad, ask yourself, how many times a day do you tell your kids you love them? Are you leading them toward you or pushing them away?
In a society that is constantly turning its back on institutions, perhaps one of the oldest institutions, the church, may help families the most here. The Bible tells us in Malachi 4:6, “He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers.”
Studies looking at fathers specifically find that factors such as church attendance and broad religious participation are positively related to paternal engagement with children — meaning men who are more involved in religious communities also tend to be more engaged with their kids. The church provides families with shared rituals and a shared moral language. Families that pray together, stay together.
While a lot of quality time is important for fathers to prioritize with their sons, ultimately, boys go to college and eventually graduate into manhood. They will have to think and act for themselves. My dad prepared me for this in a way I’m trying to emulate for my four kids. My dad was always there. Presence, not perfection, was the standard. Time, not money, was our family’s currency. I literally can’t think of a childhood memory that doesn’t have my dad in it.
My dad vocalized his expectations often and held incredibly high standards for me. Any time I’d say I couldn’t do something, his response was always, “Why not?” Win district tournaments in wrestling in just my first year? Why not? Get a job at a top financial firm with no experience? Why not? Become president one day? Why not? Pressure isolates, but expectations build identity. And a lifetime sitting at the feet of my father has been one defined by expectations.
Finally, and maybe most importantly, we shared our future with one another. That future involved both of us. We’d talk about our lives ahead and include both of us in the story. I remember conversations about future milestones in my own fatherhood and how my dad couldn’t wait to be a grandpa. As a child, I couldn’t envision adulthood without my dad.
If nearly a quarter of adult sons cut their dads off, something foundational is breaking. And it’s the job of a dad to build a solid foundation. The best thing you can give your kids is a reason to stay. Share meals together. Go to church together. Talk about life and the future. Tell your kids you love them and expect great things for and from them. Hug them and kiss them. Live your life with your kids, not just for them. Build independence in them without emotional distance. Teach them how to love by loving them first.
We don’t have a boy crisis. We have a dad problem. And it’s fixable. I live one street from my dad because he never gave me a reason to leave.
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Gates Garcia is the host of the YouTube show and podcast “We The People.” Follow him on Instagram and X @GatesGarciaFL.
The views expressed in this piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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