What Do You Call A Gathering Of Self-Absorbed, Semi-Talented Drug Addicts? The Grammys.

Well, last week we talked about the Oscars, and this week, it’s the Grammys. And I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Please, God, kill me now, before I have to hear about the Grammys. Otherwise, I’ll be forced to drown this out by sticking my fingers in my ears and whistling Dixie, which may give people the impression that I support the Confederacy when, in fact, I think holding your fellow human beings in bondage, branding and flogging them before selling their families is a horrible thing, and if I were forced to choose between life as a slave and watching the Grammys, I would pretend to think about it, then suddenly break my chains and escape through the alligator-infested swamps of Mississippi, never to return to slavery until the award show was over.”

Okay, maybe that’s not exactly what you’re thinking. I mean, only a degenerate would think something like that. Even just saying it out loud is morally disgusting, though obviously not as bad as the Grammys.

But this year, the Grammy award show was not just the usual self-celebration of a collection of semi-talented drug addicts who set disgustingly explicit words to simplistic and atonal music. This year we got to hear what these addicts think about politics. How great is that?

For instance, Billie Eilish, who won “Best Performance by a Dumpy Person with a Weirdly Skewed Face who Sings as if Even She Doesn’t Want to Hear her Crappy Music,” denounced ICE agents’ arrest of illegal migrants, by saying, “No one is illegal on stolen land.”

In response, the native American Fugawe tribe requested Eilish return her $3 million Los Angeles mansion, since it stands on land that belongs to them. The tribe promised to repay Eilish by burning her heart as a sacrifice to the Great Spirit, after they had devoured her body in a traditional indigenous ceremony. Eilish politely refused as she ran screaming from the award show, explaining that if everyone in California gave their land back, the Native Americans would return the state to poverty, primitivism and savagery, and that’s Gavin Newsom’s job.

Bad Bunny won this year’s Grammy for Best Album by a Puerto Rican Drag Queen. Mr. Bunny immediately demanded that Federal immigration officers stop enforcing Federal Immigration law or else. ICE officers responded by crying out in agitated, high-pitched voices, “Oh no, Bad Bunny is angry at us, whatever shall we do?” then went back to work.

Now, the Super Bowl is this Sunday, and Mr. Bunny is scheduled to do the half-time show at that all-American display of manhood by wearing a dress and denigrating America. So NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was asked to comment on Bunny’s speech. Goodell said, “We at the NFL gave the half-time show to Mr. Bunny to make a strong statement, namely that we have so much money we really don’t give a rat’s ass what our audience thinks, and we will continue to mock the deeply-held beliefs of ordinary Americans while dining on lobster, caviar and champagne served on the naked backs of former Athletes, whose brain injuries have rendered them useless for anything but acting as furniture for the people who got rich off destroying them. Enjoy the show.”

Singer Kehlani won this year’s Grammy for “Most Desperate Attempt to Extend an Evanescent Fifteen Minutes of Fame by Writhing Around Virtually Naked so No One Would Notice She has no Talent.” 

Kehlani also denounced ICE, saying, “It is important for artists to speak out, because our opinions matter to the sort of brain-dead 12-year-olds who listen to this crap. I for one want to inspire the young minority men in our audience to stand up to law enforcement agents with violent and aggressive tactics, which is going to work out great for you. And when you’re in prison, we’ll have your back, or actually some muscle-bound thug in Gen Pop will probably have your back, but at least you can think about how much money we’re making for inspiring you to take action.”

Now, personally, I thought these speeches were boring, conformist, ignorant, destructive, and foul-mouthed displays of misbehavior. Or maybe that was the songs. No, it was the speeches. Or maybe the songs. Whatever.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan.

The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.