Weasel Demands Apology After Being Called James Comey [Satire]

James Comey, former director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), reacts during a Bloomberg Television interview in Salzburg, Austria, on Friday, June 21, 2019. Comey said he hopes President Donald Trump isn’t impeached because "that would let the American people off the hook."
Alex Kraus/Bloomberg via Getty Images

The following is satirical.

Calls are growing louder for former FBI Director James Comey to be brought up on perjury charges after an Inspector General’s report revealed that he is, in fact, a weasel. Comey had repeatedly claimed that he was not a weasel, including once when he was testifying before the House Judiciary Committee, which could be seen as perjury now that the IG’s report has uncovered that Comey was not just a weasel, but a weasly weasel of extreme weasly weaselness.

Investigators are also looking into reports that Comey, while serving as Director, often stood before the mirror and said “I am not a weasel. Really I’m not. No matter what anybody says, I am not, not, not a weasel,” which might constitute lying to the FBI.

Comey’s weasliness has been revealed again and again. Not only did he overstep proper procedure by publicly excoriating Hillary Clinton while declaring she should not be prosecuted, not only did he bring a salacious and untrue piece of oppo research to President Trump as part of a plan to make the ugly lies public, he also leaked classified memos to the press — memos about meetings with the president during which he claimed once again not to be a weasel even while being a sanctimonious hypocrite who took sleazy unethical actions like an extremely weasly weasly weasel.

Mick Weasel of the International Association of Weasels denies that Comey is a weasel. In a speech before an angry gathering of polecats, stoats, ferrets and Peter Strzok, Mr. Weasel said, “While it is true we are vermin that sneak into hen houses and rabbit warrens in order to steal and devour helpless farm animals, we have never sunk to the level of James Comey and we consider being associated with him a rank example of weasel-phobia.”

The weasel then demanded an apology — and so did James Comey — proving once again that he is, in fact, a weasel.