A Vogue magazine cover featuring Harry Styles in a dress is under attack for trying to make sexually ambiguous British boy band singers look like sissies.
Many believe that undermining the masculinity of simpering reed-thin English lads who swivel their hips while singing pop songs surrounded by other boys with funny little accents could undercut the manhood of society leading other sexually indeterminate singer boys from the country of Elton John, David Bowie and Lou Reed to become girly weaklings in tight jeans who prance around to little tunes with other boys similarly attired.
What will happen to a society in which masculinity is abandoned by prissy British pop stars who spend the majority of their time posing in different outfits in order to replicate an 11-year-old girl’s idea of masculinity?
Who will fight our wars if when danger rises and duty calls, our nation can’t reach out to its population of hip-swiveling chirpers of adolescent love songs and count on them to rush to the front and perform such favorite lyrics as “Walk in your rainbow paradise, strawberry lipstick state of mind; I get so lost inside your eyes. Would you believe it?” while leaning their smooth cheeks on one hand and gazing wistfully into space until the enemy panics and retreats.
Soon, if we’re not careful, all members of society who sit around watching reedy Englishmen prance about on YouTube singing such ditties as “Watermelon Sugar High” and “Sunflower — My Eyes Want You More Than a Melody,” will have lost all notion of what it means to be a real man sitting around watching reedy Englishmen prance about on YouTube.
We must always be aware of just how powerful fashion magazines like Vogue can be. Do you remember back in the 1980’s when gay fashion photographers decided what was really beautiful in a woman was a stick-thin body remarkably like a boy’s and as a result men lost their taste for girls with spectacular breasts and those womanly hips that make you dream of paradise?
Actually, I don’t remember that either.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: As Flu Numbers Rise, Governors Rush To Buy Napoleon Hats