As Flu Numbers Rise, Governors Rush To Buy Napoleon Hats [Satire]

It’s flu season, which means a rise in incidents of hysteria and the Chinese Flu, also sometimes called the Wuflu or the Flu Manchu or the Kung Flu or the Communist Dirtbag Flu, or sometimes just The Evil Thing that China Did to the Rest of the World Flu, for short.

As innumerate journalists panic in high-pitched voices over numbers that don’t mean anything, governors who like power rub their sweaty hands together with glee and consider how they can torment the populations who made the mistake of voting for them with useless restrictions that will destroy your business while having no effect on numbers that don’t mean anything.

Governor Newsom of California says because of the rise in flu cases, he will issue an executive order allowing him to wear a sterling blue military uniform with gold epaulettes which will go stunningly with the bicorne hat made popular by Napoleon Bonaparte, also a governor of California.

Along with the smashing uniform, Newsom says Californians may only gather in groups of one or fewer and must pass around Thanksgiving turkey by mail. The only exceptions are looters and anyone who invites him to a party where the drinks are free.

In Michigan, Governor Obersturmfuhrer Gretchen Whitmer says the uptick in Chinese virus cases will require her to march back and forth on her balcony swinging her straight arms in wide arcs and snapping her heels smartly on the ground with each step while a grateful state of Michigan repeatedly stabs their open hands into the air in salute.

Other than that, however, no one is allowed to leave their homes unless Governor Obersturmfuhrer needs to have her hair done, in which case her stylist may go to her shop to give her a cut and blow before being executed for breaking the lockdown rules.

In Chicago, Mayor Lori Lightfoot says everyone has to stay at home except for her and gang members who urgently need to get to a drive-by shooting.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Media Celebrates the End of Trump’s Dishonesty and Corruption Because They Couldn’t Stand the Competition