The Media is overcome with joy over their decision that Joe Biden will be the next president of the United States.
Lying on a velvet divan and sipping a cucumber lemonade and gin while receiving a massage from his pool boy, CNN anchorman Anderson Cooper said, “After years of our comparing Trump to Hitler, lying about his relationship with Russia and undermining even his most beneficial policies, we can at last return to normal levels of civility where I call ordinary Americans tea-baggers and no one criticizes me for it.”
Van Jones, meanwhile, was crying in the arms of Brian Stelter who was weeping on the shoulder of Van Jones who was sobbing into Brian Stelter’s counterpane while Brian blew his nose in Van Jones souvenir copy of the Green New Deal, and one or the other of them said, “At last, we can tell our children that character counts and honesty matters. Not to us, of course, because we work for CNN, but to Donald Trump because if he could have pretended to have character and honesty like we pretend to, he too could have been an anchorman at CNN.
“Instead, he chose the darker path of restoring the economy and bringing peace to the Middle East so we had to assail him with any lie available until we could tell our children that character counts and honesty matters because we have to tell our children something or else they might find out what we really do for a living.”
The rest of his statement was drowned out by loud wails and nose-blowing.
At ABC News George Stephanopoulos said, “I am thrilled that the dark center of American corruption has finally passed away from the White House so it can return to ABC News where it belongs.”
Stephanopoulos said that having spent so much of his life silencing women, he now felt free to put that talent to use getting Van Jones and Brian Stelter to stop crying so damn loudly.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: Why Won’t Republicans Accept that Biden Defeated the Illegitimate Russian Asset Masquerading as President?
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