Two Dead, Seven Injured As Barrett Confirmation Hearings Begin [Satire]
Supreme Court nominee Judge Amy Coney Barrett speaks on the second day of her Supreme Court confirmation hearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee on Capitol Hill on October 13, 2020 in Washington, DC. With less than a month until the presidential election, President Donald Trump tapped Amy Coney Barrett to be his third Supreme Court nominee in just four years. If confirmed, Barrett would replace the late Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. (Photo by Brendan Smialowski-Pool/Getty Images)
Brendan Smialowski-Pool/Getty Images

Smoking hot judge Amy Coney Barrett faced the Senate Judiciary Committee yesterday as her confirmation hearings began, leaving two dead and seven injured.

Republicans argued that Barrett is a brilliant legal scholar, and an unusually decent human being as well as being cute as a button.

Democrats, on the other hand, said Barrett is a hellhound of toxic evil who will destroy Obamacare so that little Timmy will die a slow and agonizing death and, in fact, here’s a picture of little Timmy dying the slow and agonizing death that he will die if Barrett is confirmed, plus she has too many children and believes in some invisible Father figure in the sky who won’t let you have an abortion so that babies will be popping out of people left and right causing climate change that will destroy the world and Amy Coney Barrett will laugh and laugh her evil laugh as cities burn from the death-dealing sunlight while black people are put back in chains like McDonald’s and Sonic, although possibly those aren’t the sort of chains they meant even though the food in those places will kill you.

As the tense hearings continued, Senator Lindsay Graham tried to reach across the aisle but was restrained by security guards and carried out of the room screaming, “Merrick Garland can suck an egg, so there!” while Corey Booker responded that he was Spartacus but if some photographs should show up online of him wearing a short leather gladiator skirt it was only because his Twitter account was hacked.

Kamala Harris appeared as a gigantic head on a video screen and promised that under her administration the seventeen justices of the Supreme Court would protect Obamacare so that poor Joe Biden could get the help he so obviously needed.

Then a curtain was pulled away to reveal the Harris head was actually being dubbed by Hillary Clinton who immediately got into a hot air balloon and escaped back to Kansas.

The hearings will continue today with the constitutionally mandated food fight.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Biden Says Masks Are Not Safe Enough So From Now On Journalists Will Have To Wear Gags

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