Biden Says Masks Are Not Safe Enough So From Now On Journalists Will Have To Wear Gags [Satire]

Now that Joe Biden is refusing to tell whether he will pack the Supreme Court if he becomes president, journalists and other Democrat spokesmen have decided it will no longer call packing the Supreme Court “packing the Supreme Court” but will instead call constitutionally appointing justices to the Supreme Court “packing the Supreme Court” and will call packing the Supreme Court “depoliticizing the Supreme Court.”

And I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you incorrigible rapscallion, how on earth do you manage to dream up these outrageous satirical absurdities while still projecting that smoldering sexuality that leaves women weak with desire?”

But no. I’m actually not making this up. Over the weekend, no less a lowlife than Dan Rather declared that Republicans had been packing the Supreme Court for years by winning elections and using their constitutional power to appoint justices, while the Associated Press now says Democrats may add judges to the Supreme Court by way of “depoliticizing” the court.

In a further attempt to carry the body of Joe Biden to victory in November’s election, the media has also made other changes to their official stylebook.

For instance, from now on, capitalism will be referred to as “the excesses of capitalism,” and socialism will be called “Happy-Happy Fun-fun supergood party time,” as in the sentence, “We must put an end to the excesses of capitalism so we can have happy-happy fun-fun supergood party time, and kill anyone who opposes us.”

In another change, liberty will now be referred to as “selfishness” and being forcibly stripped of your earnings will be called “paying your fair share,” as in the sentence, “We the government are out of cash and you the people have cash so stop being selfish and pay your fair share so we can afford to teach you you’re a racist whose sons should wear dresses.”

To further protect Biden, his campaign has declared that journalists wearing masks during press conferences is not safe enough, and instead they’ll have to wear gags.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: NBA Baffled Why No One Wants To Watch Millionaire Athletes Disrespect The Country That Gave Them Everything They Have