Trump Reveals Health Records On Dr. Oz

In a bit of media theater, Donald Trump taped an interview with CNN personality Dr. Oz in which they offered a cursory look at Trump’s health. Unencumbered by actual data, Trump was able to present himself as a latter-day Clark Kent, with no medical issues at all save taking medicine to lower his cholesterol. The subject of Trump’s girth never came up, as Oz offered a chance for Trump to insist that he is in robust good health, Trump pointing out carefully that his prostate was in fine working order, as opposed to other men he knew who were having “the operation.”

The exercise in lightweight investigation went like this:

Oz: How do you stay healthy on the campaign trail?

Trump, (offering a rather interesting example of aerobic exercise): Well, it’s a lot of work. When I’m up there standing in front of fifteen or twenty thousand people and I’m using a lot of motion, I guess in its own way it’s a pretty healthy act. And I really enjoy doing it; a lot of times these rooms are very hot, like saunas; and I guess that’s a form of exercise, and y’know —

Oz: So everyone’s talking about the candidates’ medical records. So I’d like to clear up a few questions folks are asking about your health. I’m hoping to go over these very same questions with Secretary Clinton. As a doctor, when I have someone in front of me and I don’t know very much about them I do something which I call a review of systems. We all do; we learn this in medical school. And it’s a checklist, head to toe, of what is going on in your body. So I’ll walk you through these questions, if it’s okay. We start with the head. Have you ever had head or neck issues —

Trump: No.

Oz: … neurologic problems, strokes, headaches —

Trump: No. Do we have water around here? (Reaching for a water bottle) Here. No. The answer is no. I’ve had –(long pause) I mean, no. No problem.

Oz: Hormone problems like thyroid issues?

Trump: No.

Oz: Blood sugar problems?

Trump: No.

Oz: Diabetes? Any heart problems?

Trump: Nope.

Oz: I know you’re on Lipitor …

Trump: I take statin; I don’t know if I should mention the name; I would; I take a statin. Actually, I’ve experimented with three statins, and one seems for me to work the best, and it’s really brought my cholesterol to a good range.

Oz: How long have you been on it?

Trump: Couple of years, I would say.

Oz: Lung complaints? Asthma? Wheezing?

Trump: No, nothing. I mean really nothing. People are amazed because I don’t get much with the colds; sometimes in the spring or the fall I get a little hay fever. Actually, I don’t know why this would be; it used to be worse when I was young. Maybe it’s given up on me, but when I was young, it could be pretty rough, the hay fever. But very, very little now, I don’t know if that’s something that you’re surprised at; the hay fever’s not very bad. But that would be about the only thing … I haven’t had a cold in a long time. Years.

Oz: Stomach problems? Intestine issues? Reflux? Diverticulitis?

Trump: No.

Oz: Bladder or prostate issues? I saw that one letter that was released that had a low PSA.

Trump: Yeah. My PSA’s been very good. I don’t know what’s going on, but so many of my friends are having problems where they’re getting the operation or they’re going for radiation. And it’s always the first number I ask for; I say give me that number; I want to know. My number’s been, as you say, a very good number. It’s been …

Oz: Any issue of personal cancer?

Trump: No. None whatsoever.

Oz: Skin issues?

Trump: No. Very little. Probably, you could say, I try to stay out of the sun for the most part. I wear a hat. I play golf. I wear a hat, but I’ve had no problem, no major problem, but certainly no problem with skin.

Oz: Blood clots or any other major problems?

Trump: No.

Oz: Return to the family history –

Trump: I have to be very boring for you.

Oz: It’s what I do as a doctor.

Trump: I have to tell you; you know, my wife’s a big fan of your show; I would absolutely say, this is, in a way, going to see my doctor. Just a little bit public, that’s all.

And there you have it. Trump is now ready to join the Justice League of America.