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One of the most valuable skills you can learn as a young adult is how to go out by yourself. In college I didn’t have many friends and I hated cooking, so for me it was something of a necessity. There was one restaurant in particular I started going to frequently. One day, the waiter asked me if I’d have “the usual.”
Well, I can’t come back here anymore, I told myself. And I didn’t.
In retrospect, that was a good encapsulation of why I was needing to go out alone in the first place. Being asked if I wanted “the usual” was an indication that I had begun to be recognized by the staff as an individual person and not just another customer. And that was a problem. I hated the idea of being perceived, of being seen, and the idea that I’d been clocked as an earnest fan of something felt cringeworthy. So, I stopped.
Not my finest hour, to be sure. But I was hardly alone in struggling with social isolation.
Discussions about the breakdown of the American social fabric aren’t new: In Robert Putnam’s 2000 book Bowling Alone (and the 1995 essay it was based on), he traced its origins back to the 1970s. Putnam attributed the decline of social life, exemplified by bowling leagues, to the rise of technology such as automobiles and television, among other factors.
There have been more and better analyses of developments since then than I could ever hope to write. Suffice to say that the advent and expansion of more and greater technologies such as cell phones, the internet, social media, and the like have led to the rise of what’s being called the “loneliness epidemic.” Two leading indicators of this are that young people are drinking less and having less sex than their parents.
On its face, it might seem like a positive development that Gen Z is indulging less in petty vice like drunkenness and hookup culture. However, the underlying reason for these trends is not temperance, but withdrawal from life, from connection, and from society.
Everything is down, from time spent with friends, to number of friends, to the proportion of young people dating, to marriage and family formation, and to general life satisfaction. Members of Gen Z are living with their parents for longer and are reporting mental health problems at a greater rate.
It used to be that social and community networks ensured that people didn’t fall through the cracks — 73% of Gen Z report sometimes or always feeling lonely. Now, with our phones and social media and video games, many are taking the paths of least resistance. It’s also the case that loneliness doesn’t feel as bad as it used to. Parasocial relationships with celebrities, media franchises, political movements, and more recently AI chatbots don’t require leaving your abode.
Interested in music? No need to go to a concert, you can just listen to Spotify. Do you like politics? No reason for you to go to a rally or knock on doors for your candidate of choice; you can doomscroll X and monitor the situation. The rise of OnlyFans, while a particularly destructive example, should be understood as just one manifestation among many of this phenomenon.
While I wouldn’t presume to suggest how to fix society, I can share what worked for me. I found that I hated the feeling I was missing out on life more than I was disconcerted by being pushed out of my comfort zone. I discovered that community is still out there. You just have to go find it. How? Simple: Do what you like, do it with others, and do it often.
First, get a hobby. It could be just about anything. If you like animals, volunteer at a shelter. If you’re interested in a type of dance, go take lessons. If you’re a fan of a particular genre of music, watch a live band. If you’re more of an active person, you could try a workout class or run club. Amateur sports are another good option. And yes, believe it or not, bowling leagues do still exist.
Whatever it is, though, it should be with other people. Not every hobby is going to be social: For example, I used to be a big video gamer, to the point where I was dabbling in e-sports. That was better than nothing, but clearly it wasn’t giving me the sort of social connections I was looking for. There’s nothing wrong with solo hobbies, but if you’re looking for social connection, you should choose, obviously, to do something social.
It’s also more than fine to use social media to help make these things happen. I’ve found many great people and events through Instagram reels. You should just keep in mind that technology is there to facilitate your social life, not replace it.
And finally, show up and keep showing up. So long as it’s something you like, that should be easy. What I’ve found is that soon enough, people will begin to recognize you. And these won’t just be any people. You’ll have at least one thing in common with everyone there, plus a pretty good idea of when and where you’ll see them again. That’s the stuff communities are made of.
If that sounds like school, then you’re right. Historically, there’s a reason why it’s such a common piece of advice for people to look for husbands and wives in college: You’re regularly forced to interact with the same people, over and over again, all while having a common interest. As an adult, it can be hard to recreate those conditions unless you go out of your way to do so.
For myself, I took up everything from country dancing to workout classes to pickleball. It did feel weird and awkward at first, but instead of flinching away, I simply worked through the unpleasant feeling and continued. Today, instead of spending my nights at home on my phone or computer, I’m out doing things I enjoy with other people, many of whom I would have never come across in my old life. When I go to my local coffee shop and they ask me if I want the usual, I smile and say yes. Usually. So let that be a lesson: Get out there, say hi, and don’t be a stranger.
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Stephan Kapustka is a writer at the American Spectator. Follow him on X @SteveKapustka.
The views expressed in this piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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