Sports Leagues Announce They’ll Change Games To Ensure They Don’t Offend Audience They’ll No Longer Have [Satire]

Eli Harold #58, Colin Kaepernick #7 and Eric Reid #35 of the San Francisco 49ers kneel in protest on the sideline, during the anthem, prior to the game against the Buffalo Bills at New Era Field on October 16, 2016 in Orchard Park, New York.
Photo by Michael Zagaris/San Francisco 49ers/Getty Images

The following is satirical. 

As the economy continues to open despite widespread panic among journalists and other journalists and the people who believe journalists who are also journalists, professional sports leagues are discussing changes they would like to make to placate angry hate-filled anti-Americans, who are journalists.

The NFL, for instance, has announced that from now on, its games will begin with players lining up for the National Anthem and then baring their buttocks at the American flag, not in a way meant to convey disrespect, of course, but merely as a reminder that this is the worst country on earth and every single person in it is a piece of garbage who should immediately look in the mirror and spit on his own image.

The players will then swagger to the center of the field, lifting their middle fingers and calling people racist if they refuse to enjoy the sight of men making millions of dollars by throwing a ball around, apparently for their own amusement since, at this point, no one will be watching.

NASCAR has decided it will ban the display of the Confederate Flag, as well as drinking beer, reckless driving, the wearing of cowboy hats, and the appearance of Daisy Dukes on women likely to encourage non-inclusive heterosexual thoughts.

Cars will no longer be decorated by the logos of capitalist corporate sponsors but will instead bear declarations that Black Lives Matter and rainbow pride symbols as they travel slowly but safely around in endless circles under empty grandstands because, at this point, no one will be watching.

Baseball, after a long labor dispute, has decided on a season of three games, each lasting seventeen hours, because the players union complained the old games were just too long.

Players will only participate in the games if they should happen to feel like it, and will not be required to tip their hats after a homerun since no one will be watching.

Major League Soccer has announced their games will go on just as before, with no one watching.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: New Poll Shows Americans Trust News Media Slightly Less Than Make-Believe Prince Who Is Holding Their Inheritance

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