The following is satirical.
A new poll shows the news media dead last in public trust. According to the poll, Americans have the most trust in hospitals at 93 percent whereas only 48 percent trust Congress, 36 percent trust cable news advertisers, 23 percent trust a guy who wrote to them saying he was the son of Prince Ungoozi of the Republic of Shagmandu and he was holding a multi-million dollar inheritance for them, 17 percent trust the two spooky twins from the movie The Shining, 12 percent trust the unshaven man in a slouch hat who’s been following them around for the last three days, and finally the news media is trusted by 2 percent of people running to catch their connecting flight to Philadelphia who saw a guy talking into the camera on TV but said they weren’t really listening to what he said but he seemed nice.
There was a disparity in the poll between Republicans and Democrats with the Republican who trusted the news media being named Oscar Gunthauser, though it was difficult to make out what he was saying because he was a recent stroke victim and might just have been asking for a sip of water.
Conversely, on the Democrat side, a full 25 percent said they did trust the news media and were also considering making a donation to Joe Biden’s campaign as soon as they received their inheritance from the Republic of Shagmandu.
The company that conducted the poll has been doing follow up interviews trying to understand the results and say they feel the Republicans may be more suspicious of the news media because the news media lies all the time, whereas Democrats trust the news media more because they’re gormless idiots.
In a sampling of remarks from the interviews, a typical Democrat statement was listed as, “Gawrsh, Mickey, it sure is a beautiful day, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh,” whereas Republicans were more likely to say words to the effect of “Get off my lawn before I blow your head off.”
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