The following is satirical.
Negotiations have begun over the format for the 2020 presidential debates.
The Trump campaign is suggesting four debates, to be carried out with a choice between broadswords and spiked maces with whoever first has his head crushed or completely severed declared the loser and whoever ends up roaring in blood-drenched victory at the scarlet sky securing the right to paint his half-naked body with the guts of his enemy and rename himself Kratos, God of War.
The Biden campaign, conversely, is requesting a single debate, lasting seventeen minutes or until the beginning of naptime, whichever comes first. The venue will be the window of Biden’s cellar where his face will appear in a mask and sunglasses so that no one will notice when he’s quietly replaced by a younger man who can still speak a coherent English sentence.
The three moderators requested by the Biden campaign are, one, Biden’s day nurse, whom he fondly refers to as Nana; two, old Mr. Willoughby, who drives the ice cream truck in Biden’s neighborhood and frequently offers the candidate a free orange crème popsicle out of pity; and three, Chuck Todd.
Questions are to be asked very slowly in a gentle voice so as not to awaken the candidate, and in the latter part of the debate, questions will be sung to the tune of “Baa Baa Black Sheep,” and accompanied by Joe’s favorite music box.
The Biden campaign reserves the right to vet questions to insure they don’t include any irrelevant subjects like math or how to run the country.
A counter-offer from the Trump campaign suggests that all the debates be held on a single night, beginning with fifteen rounds of bare-knuckle boxing at 8AM, then a break for steak and eggs followed by a noontime wrestling match, and finally, after a dinner sausage-eating competition, a final debate where the two men simply scream into each other’s faces.
The Biden campaign says they’ll return with their own counter proposal as soon as their candidate regains consciousness.
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