Enraged Leftists Claim Pence’s Statement ‘All Lives Matter’ Is A Dog Whistle To Christians And Their Universal Love [Satire]

Brian Stelter attends the Apple TV+'s "The Morning Show" World Premiere at David Geffen Hall on October 28, 2019 in New York City. (Photo by Theo Wargo/Getty Images)
Theo Wargo/Getty Images

The following is satirical.

Vice President Mike Pence is under attack for refusing to say “Black Lives Matter” but instead declaring that “all lives matter.”

On CNN, the lovely Miss Brian Stelter flew into a girlish pet at the news and hand-bagged the VP, declaring, “Black Lives Matter is a highly effective organization whose defund the police policies have achieved more innocent black deaths in a single weekend than the police have caused in the last two years.”

“Their uplifting battle to destroy the traditional family will finally end white privilege by miring black Americans in inescapable dysfunction, making white people feel really guilty so they stop walking around with those smug looks on their faces,” Stelter continued. “And BLM fund-raising goes to support the Democrats whose unshakeable commitment to black people can be seen in every city they govern, although you don’t want to see it too close cause you can get killed in those places.”

“And yet all Mike Pence can do is say ‘all lives matter,’ which is clearly a dog whistle to Christians with their secret belief in universal love for mankind,” Stelter concluded.

The lovely Miss Stelter was so upset, she then went to bed for the rest of the day and sobbed pitiably into her nightgown.

At the New York Times, a former newspaper, Editor in Charge of Flagrant Historical Distortion, Nicole-Racial Grift wrote, “For too long Vice President Pence’s self-righteous refusal to commit adultery has signaled his support for the oppressive patriarchal institutions of honesty and decency that would have kept someone like me from achieving my high position. Fortunately, the New York Times has abandoned those institutions, leaving me free to break the chains of fact and history that have for so long enslaved my people, namely lying crazy women.”

Black Lives Matter spokesman Killian Rage said his movement would not be stopped by the Vice President’s lack of support but would press on with their mission to tear stuff down and burn businesses until it leads to something really great.

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