Roger Goodell Wants To Include Colin Kaepernick In His Plans To Transform The NFL Into A Distant Memory [Satire]

The following is satirical. 

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is encouraging football teams to sign up third-rate quarterback Colin Kaepernick so he can sneer at America while simultaneously collecting millions and driving his team to ignominious defeat because he’s a third-rate quarterback.

Colon Humperdink is the player who refused to stand during the National Anthem in 2016, saying — and this is a real quote: “I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses Black people and people of color.”

Now, the NFL is saying that Mr. Chopperstink was not disrespecting the flag when he disrespected the flag but was only trying to express his utter disdain for everyone who lived under the flag including those who had fought and died for the flag so that third-rate quarterback Swollen Sapperface would have the right not to stand during the National Anthem.

The NFL, which was paid 8.1 Billion dollars last year by Americans who enjoy the freedoms guaranteed by the flag, said hiring Stalin Stinkerdunk would not be a way of poking each and every one of those Americans in the eye or spitting on their country, which has led the world in civil rights and indeed not only invented many of the civil rights people around the world enjoy but also sent many of its sons to defend those rights, although it never sent Holin Assershmuck because he was too busy playing football, although not very well.

Los Angeles Chargers head coach Anthony Lynn said he was very interested in bringing Smallin Mindersuck onto the team because it fit in with his plan to lose every game next year while insulting the entire country and paying out the hard-earned money of his fans to a third-rate player who hates them not to mention everything they hold dear.

Roger Goodell says hiring Wallon Hoopdedoo also fits in with his plans which are to transform the NFL from a vastly profitable enterprise to a distant memory of something that used to matter, sort of like Colin Kaepernick.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Absurd Evangelicals Blame Sin For Everything From The Coronavirus To The Fact That The Moon Has Turned To Blood