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Schiff’s Star Rises Among Useless Leftist Miscreants [Satire]

By  Andrew Klavan
DailyWire.com
Representative Adam Schiff, a Democrat from California and chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, makes a closing statement during an impeachment inquiry hearing on Capitol Hill November 21, 2019 in Washington, DC. The committee heard testimony during the fifth day of open hearings in the impeachment inquiry against U.S. President Donald Trump, whom House Democrats say held back U.S. military aid for Ukraine while demanding it investigate his political rivals. (Photo by Andrew Harrer-Pool/Getty Images)
Andrew Harrer-Pool/Getty Images

The following is satirical.

The left-wing press is declaring Congressman Adam Schiff a hero because of Schiff’s attempted impeachment of Donald Trump on grounds the president did some damn thing or other.

“Unlikely liberal hero,” the New Yorker calls him. “Democratic hero,” says The Daily Kos. And The Hill declares, “Schiff’s star rises with impeachment hearings.”

To test the veracity of these headlines, we at The Daily Wire sent a team of imaginary reporters to left-wing gathering sites — like Brooklyn and the Men’s Room near the Greek Theater in Griffith Park — to listen to unfounded opinions, vague impressions and self-indulgent emotional maunderings, sort of like the impeachment hearings themselves.

For instance, we interviewed Lester Lipschitz, a Left-Wing Activist, currently working on his PhD Thesis entitled “Internet Porn and How to Keep it From Showing up on Your Mother’s Credit Card Bills.”

Asked about Adam Schiff, Lipschitz said, “The man is a great American hero like Che Guevara or Alyssa Milano because while greedy corporations are being racist by creating jobs where black people have to work just like in slavery days except for, you know, getting salaries and stuff, Schiff has kept the country focused on the important things like something somebody said about what the president said to some guy in some other country somewhere.”

Professional Feminist Shirley Useless is currently employed framing her diploma in Vaginal Grievance while working off $300,000 in student debt by nodding vigorously whenever Bernie Sanders promises free college for everyone.

Ms. Useless expressed enormous respect for Schiff, saying, “Congressman Schiff is a true feminist in that he does nothing for anyone while complaining about men for purely emotional reasons that have zero to do with reality. If more men would act like feminist women, we wouldn’t be where we are today with this out-of-control stock market and, like, rape culture or whatever.”

To bring you further impeachment news, we at The Daily Wire will continue to journey fearlessly into the bowels of the Left until we become resistant to antibiotics and die.

Related: Democrat Explains Why He’s Voting Against Impeaching Trump

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