Halloween got spooky on “Saturday Night Live” when “Hillary Clinton” told “Joe Biden” that even though all the national polls show him far ahead of President Donald Trump, “we lost before.”
SNL’s cold open featured “A Holiday Message” from Biden, played by Jim Carrey, who goes on to read a parody version of Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven.”
“Greetings America,” Carrey says. “It’s a spooky time, filled with demons and darkness. Also it’s Halloween. For some Trump voters, it’s the only day they’ll wear a mask.”
“There’s another holiday right around the corner — Election Day. If you’re like most Americans, you’re excited to vote — and very, very, very worried about the outcome. But don’t worry. They say I’m eight points ahead. Poll numbers like that can only go wrong once in a blue moon.”
Carrey then looks out a nearby window to see — a blue moon (which really occurred on Saturday, the first time it’s happened across the U.S. on Halloween since 1944).
“That’s a little troubling,” he says.
“Tonight, I wanted to take our minds off the election by reading a scary story,” Carrey continues, holding up a book that turns out to be “Triggered,” by Donald Trump Jr.
“That one’s a little too scary,” he says as he grabs another book. “It’s Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven,” a classic poem. You know, in the 1800s people would read this and soil their pantaloons.”
Carrey then starts reading the poem:
“Once upon a midnight dreary, while Trump retweeted Qanon theories, and rifled through his Adderall drawer, I was writing my acceptance speech, when something stopped me with a screech. It was a knock upon my chamber door. Was someone still a little sore?”
That’s when Clinton, played by Kate McKinnon, pops in, wearing a black cape.
“We think he’s scared of four years more, quoth the Clinton,” Carrey says.
“We lost before,” says McKinnon.
“I said, ‘Raven, stop being such a drag.’ We’ve got this one in the bag, is what every pundit says from shore to shore,” Carrey says.
“Not Michael Moore,” McKinnon says, referring to the filmmaker who recently said the polls might be wrong. Breaking out of the rhyme scheme, she explains: “He says voters are being undercounted in the polls also, even if you do win on Tuesday the election could still be stolen from you, so –”
“I said, ‘C’mon, no one would dare!’ I’ll be sworn in fair and square, all the votes will be accounted for,” Carrey says.
“Just like Al Gore,” McKinnon says.
“This time’s different. I can win. People know I have a plan,” says Carrey.
“But your real advantage is you’re not a woman you’re a man,” McKinnon says, then pats Carrey on leg, says “you go this,” and exits.
Carrey continues, “I checked the website, 538, to find out my election fate. Nate Silver, he will know the score. Even though –”
Just then the camera cuts to Silver, played by Mike Day, who says: “I was wrong before.” Thunder flashes and lightning crashes.
Day then takes over: “So look, guys, our current model shows that Trump has less than a one in six chance of winning, about the same odds as the number one coming up when you roll a die. So for example,” he says as he rolls the die.
“Huh, One. Well, I guess that shows you that it’s technically possible, however unlikely, but rolling it again and you’ll see that it’s a — huh, one. But roll it again and — ‘Electoral College tie’? That’s not even an option. OK, I’m just gonna’ leave because I think our country is haunted,” Day says.
Carrey returns and says, “Our country’s not haunted. We just have to come together — like two butt cheeks — to stop the crap. Decent folks out there I ask, hasn’t Trump failed and his task? Do not elect him anymore. Though Ice Cube and Lil’ Wayne —”
The camera cuts to Kennan Thompson as Ice Cube and Chris Redd as Lil’ Wayne, who both say: “— are voting for.”
“Why in the name of all that is holy would you be voting for Trump?” Carrey asks.
“Taxes,” they both say.
Carrey returns to the poem: “Trump cannot win, we must do better, than that spray-tanned superspreader. Still, I will win because I’m a baller,” he says as he puts on his trademark aviator glasses, “just ask my running mate Kamaller.”
Then Carrey and Kamala Harris, played by Maya Rudolph, trade lines to end the poem.
“So whatever happens in America, know that it will be OK,” Carrey says.
“Our nation will endure. We will fight another day,” Rudolph says.
“I’m sure it will be peaceful, no matter who has won,” Carrey says.
Though it’s never a good sign when Walmart stops selling guns. Use your voice, and use your vote. Democracy will represent,” Rudolph says.
“This daylight savings time, let’s gain an hour — and lose a president,” Carrey says.