The following is satirical.
With Democrat candidates leaving the field and endorsing Joe Biden in an effort to stop the rise of Bernie Sanders before Super Tuesday, Bernie Sanders has announced that he too will endorse Joe Biden in the hope of preventing himself from becoming president.
In a speech made to a dream world filled with the ghosts of people slaughtered by Josef Stalin, Sanders said, “It has become more and more apparent to me that I am out of my mind and should not be allowed anywhere near the presidency of the United States.
“There are some who say I should not receive the nomination because I can’t beat Donald Trump, but I reject that entirely,” he continued. “I should not receive the nomination because, in fact, I might beat him, and what a disaster that would be. I can just see myself celebrating my new literacy program while millions of people die or are thrown in prison or are relegated to a life of hopelessness and poverty. Somebody has to stop that from happening, and since it won’t be me, because I am a lunatic, I am throwing my endorsement to Joe Biden, senile buffoon though he is.”
With Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar suspending their candidacies, the race now boils down to the far-left lane with Sanders and Elizabeth Warren, the babbling old man lane dominated by Joe Biden, and, of course, the second-rate Donald Trump lane which is empty until you look down and, surprise, there’s Michael Bloomberg.
Elizabeth Warren wanted to make a speech to a gathering of make-believe Indians, but she couldn’t get a reservation. So instead, she released a statement through a series of smoke signals followed by a flaming arrow shot into a settler’s door with a note attached.
Warren said she had so far decided not to suspend her campaign because her unbridled desire for power had caused her to bury her fingernails so deep into any small chance she had of winning she had not been able to pry them loose.
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