Rand Paul Sets Twitter On Fire By Trolling Everyone In Washington

I came to say Happy #Festivus to my friend Elizabeth Warren. Cant find her. pic.twitter.com/A4xSJ7Nf7x

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

You’ll be surprised to learn I have some grievances with people in Washington, fellow members and others. It’s time to talk about them now, because it’s the holiday season.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

Let’s start with POTUS I like the President, I honestly do. I know people don’t believe me. But the man seems to have a problem keeping staff around him. But they solved the problem. I went to the White House the other day and there were at least 14 ppl in Mick Mulvaney masks. pic.twitter.com/u0nnGWQ7V0

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

Mick is a good friend of mine, in fact a lot of people probably don’t remember he was the national co-chair for my Presidential campaign. Uh oh, probably just got him fired. pic.twitter.com/3jH3ZsZh8r

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

People are saying that with the recent passage of criminal justice reform, and coming home from wars, that I have a lot of influence on the President. It is true I’m on the phone with him a good amount. But I have to tell you, I haven’t gotten a word in on him in over a year.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

Speaking of criminal justice reform, I have to give Jared Kushner credit. He was great on this. And I’m glad I got to know him, because before that I was a bit suspicious he was the kid from the Omen movie all grown up.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

And folks, that is NOT who you want in charge of your Middle East peace plans.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

I did something to help the President out though. I found him a wall I think will work on the border. pic.twitter.com/gx7ejwn1RU

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

It will be quite lovely really. And It was on sale for $99, so we can open the government back up now.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

So moving down the road to Congress. Oh, Congress. Every year it seems things get more absurd. They were so bad this week they made my friend Mike Lee say “doggone”. It was nuts.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

Congress has now decided to shut down the government because they aren’t spending enough money. I got suspicious when Ted Cruz came back from Thanksgiving break with that beard. pic.twitter.com/y0r3dpFbbG

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

Ted really should have grown that beard before he ran for President. He looks less Canadian now.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

My friend Lindsay Graham is a bit mad right now. You see, he’s never seen a war end before. He’s going to have to console himself with the fact that we still are in about 8 more. I know it will be hard for him, but I think he’ll get by.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

I have to tell you; I haven’t seen a Senator who loves war this much since the Star Wars Prequels. pic.twitter.com/UFU242XYQK

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

Lindsay and I were on the same side on foreign policy for about 5 minutes a few weeks ago, regarding the Saudis. He said it was a sign of “end times”. I guess we are all gonna live a bit longer after all.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

Grievance against the foreign policy establishment of both parties in DC:

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

Many of these people hold these two views: 1 – that it was horrible to leave the war in Syria and 2 – that it is horrible that General Mattis left, since he was what kept the President from starting WWIII or something. I don’t understand how you hold both of those views.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

I’m going to go a bit easier on the grievances against the neocons and warmongers this year though. The Weekly Standard has folded, wars are ending — I really think their holiday is already bad enough, I don’t want to pile on.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

Well, actually…let’s talk about John Bolton. I don’t have a grievance. I just really would have liked to have been in the room when the POTUS told him to END a war. How many times do you think he made the President repeat it because he didn’t even know what the words meant?

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

I opposed John Bolton being hired. But I really can’t think of anything that makes me happier then thinking of him having to end wars for the rest of his time in the White House.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

I hear they’re piping this into his office now for the entire Christmas season. .https://t.co/KLPpLHavSy

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

I’m going to close today by talking about something good that has happened. In fact, some could even say it has its beginnings right here on #Festivus twitter a few years ago. I poked a little fun at my friend Corey Booker.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

But then we exchanged some thoughts about bipartisan reforms we could work on, like hemp legalization and criminal justice reforms. Well, it’s a Festivus miracle because Congress passed and the President signed BOTH of those things this week.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

All kidding aside, they were important, bipartisan reforms that show how Washington CAN work if people from both sides of the aisle get together on things that make sense. I’m proud to have been a part of both.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

So everyone enjoy your feats of strength today. Air your grievances here or in your home. But remember, thanks to Donald Trump we are ALL saying Merry Christmas this year — so repeat after me: MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY HOLIDAYS to everyone even the haters and losers.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

GOOD MORNING! Welcome to everyone’s favorite holiday, #Festivus! pic.twitter.com/bZEUyPID1b

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

I’ve got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re gonna hear about them! pic.twitter.com/sahSMrsdml

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

I’m going to start out with a grievance against the entire foreign policy establishment of Washington DC, who 2 years ago were swearing that Donald Trump was going to start multiple nuclear wars or something.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

Now they are mad because he is STOPPING two wars. How about you just admit you hate the President, love war and have been wrong for the last 20 years on every part of foreign policy?

Consider that my Christmas present. You don’t have to get me anything else.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

I’m on some Sunday shows this morning, I hope you’ll tune in to @CNNSotu and @FaceTheNation to hear some serious policy discussions.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

I’ll be back later this afternoon for some serious, and not so serious grievances, along with lots of my Festivus Waste Report. So come on back later!

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

Oh, by the way, before I go – Die Hard is a Christmas movie, don’t @ me pic.twitter.com/UukKhRCzCB

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

So we are back with more #Festivus goodness. pic.twitter.com/k8tPeEU4g0

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

One of the things I hate most about Washington is that they have literally NO IDEA how to spend your money. That’s why I do waste reports, and do a FESTIVUS WASTE REPORT with some of the worst offenders of the year. Here are some of the worst in waste.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

Everyone’s favorite frisky quail are back with an update on how much money they blew: https://t.co/vbTkpbKVOc pic.twitter.com/KjPL4fKzvt

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

The USAID spending $18 mil to promote tourism….in Egypt: https://t.co/vbTkpbKVOc pic.twitter.com/SBbcUU2uDi

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

$2 mil on daydreaming: https://t.co/vbTkpbKVOc pic.twitter.com/IWWDtK3kyg

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

$75k to throw lizards around with a leaf blower: https://t.co/vbTkpbKVOc pic.twitter.com/nA7ZA9JdCA

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

So of course, instead of fixing waste like this and reforming government, the geniuses in Congress decided to have a fight over how much MORE money they were going to “spend” aka borrow from China.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

Speaking of which, buried in the foreign aid reports last year, I discovered something — we give foreign aid to China. So government is so dumb, it is literally borrowing money from China, to give it back to China, while paying interest on it.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

This is actually my grievance with liberals. They want the government to do more and more, take over more healthcare, more education — I mean you seen what it ALREADY is doing?

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018