Protesters Liberate Seattle From Civilization [Satire]

People rally in front of the Seattle Police Departments East Precinct in the so-called "Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone" on June 10, 2020 in Seattle, Washington. The zone includes the blocks surrounding the Seattle Police Departments East Precinct, which was the site of violent clashes with Black Lives Matter protesters, who have continued to demonstrate in the wake of George Floyds death. (Photo by David Ryder/Getty Images)
David Ryder/Getty Images

The following is satirical.

Hundreds of far-left protesters stormed Seattle City Hall yesterday and demanded that the mayor step down because she is refusing to defund the police who are preventing them from destroying western civilization.

Protester Dirtbag Moron — not his real name — told reporters, “Sure, we can rampage violently through the halls of government, but as long as there are still police around, we can’t rape and kill with impunity. How is society supposed to have justice when there are still people with the privilege of not being terrorized?”

The protesters immediately declared the area The Socialist Woketopia Paradise of Seattle, and began spying on people and randomly beating up anyone who looked like they might one day have a thought that was not in keeping with their philosophy which is to spy on people and beat up anyone who might one day have a thought that was not in keeping with their philosophy.

The mayhem only stopped when they ran out of food and had to use their iPhones to call Pizza Hut to tell them that capitalist corporations were evil and please send over two dozen large pies with pepperoni and black olives because black olives matter. The pizza delivery guy showed up and was promptly robbed at gunpoint because money is bad.

The leader of the protesters — Dirtbag Moron — no relation to the other Dirtbag Moron, except being a dirtbag and a moron — told an imaginary gathering of happy comrades in the utopia that exists only in his imagination but is just like Seattle except not on fire and filled with homeless people: “When all America looks like Seattle does now, we will at last have justice. And possibly scurvy. I look forward to the day when no one will go hungry because there’ll be a cat in every garbage fire and a car in every ash heap where there used to be a garage.”

The protesters say the protests will continue until there is social justice for all or something good is on Netflix.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Ilhan Omar Reimagines Law Enforcement Without Law Or Enforcement

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