Presidential Debate Commission Issues 4 New Rules For The Next Complete Debacle [Satire]

CLEVELAND, OHIO - SEPTEMBER 29: U.S. President Donald Trump participates in the first presidential debate against Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden at the Health Education Campus of Case Western Reserve University on September 29, 2020 in Cleveland, Ohio. This is the first of three planned debates between the two candidates in the lead up to the election on November 3. (Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images)
Win McNamee/Getty Images

In the aftermath of this week’s tumultuous debate, the Commission on Presidential Debates has announced it is changing the rules.

The Commission, which was first formed in Portugal in 1476 in the hopes there would one day be a country where a wild-eyed real estate developer could beat the living crap out of a sad old man while the entire population looked on in horror then turned the channel to see what else was on, consists of five members who, according to the commission’s charter, must include at least one lesbian, two dentists, a ballet dancer named Leopold and a Romanian, all of them played by Chuck Todd.

The Commission meets in a secret fortress nestled in the specter-haunted crags of Mount Meaningless where they are licensed by magic dwarves to craft the debate rules in such a way as to make both the rules and the debates themselves completely irrelevant.

After this week’s debacle, which the Commission members considered one of their best, the Commission issued the following amendments:

1. From now on whenever Donald Trump is making a good point anywhere in the country, Chris Wallace will jump out suddenly from various different locations and shout “Booga-booga!” in an attempt to throw Trump off his game.

2. Future debates will be moderated by Steve Scully and Kristin Welkin except when Chris Wallace is required to jump out shouting “Booga-booga!”

3. Next time, Joe Biden will have to allow everyone to hear the cues coming in over his secret headset, and to make that more entertaining, the cues will be sung to the score of the 1960 musical “Camelot.”

4. Every ten minutes, Donald Trump will be asked to denounce white supremacy until he just gets sick and tired of it and refuses, whereupon he will be denounced as a white supremacist, also to the score of the musical “Camelot.”

In short, the next debate will be pretty much the same as the last one, except “If Ever I Should Leave You” will be sung in the key of G.

More satire from Andrew Klavan:

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