Nominate Amy Coney Barrett: Because It’s Time We Had A Babe On The Supreme Court [Satire]

The "2019 Miss America Competition" broadcasts live from Atlantic City's Boardwalk Hall on Sunday, Sept. 9, 2018 (9-11pm, ET) on the Walt Disney Television via Getty Images Television Network. (photo by Lou Rocco/Walt Disney Television via Getty Images)
Lou Rocco/Walt Disney Television via Getty Images

I support Amy Coney Barrett for Supreme Court Justice because it is way past time we put a hot woman on the highest court in the land.

Women have been Supreme Court Justices before, but let’s face it, they were no oil paintings. Meanwhile, we’ve had Jewish justices and blacks and Latinos, but hot women — or babes, as they’re sometimes called — or foxes — or cutie pies — have for too long been relegated to humdrum lives of getting everything they want without having to do anything but look that amazing way they look.

In this country, a hot woman can’t even get arrested, because the minute the cop gets a gander at her, he lets her off the hook in some vague hope that she might like him, which is absurd, because she’s way too hot to waste her life on a flatfoot.

If we make Amy Coney Barrett a Supreme Court Justice, on the other hand, we’ll be able to stand proudly before all the world and say, “Get an eye-load of that tomato! I bet you haven’t got anyone who looks like THAT deciding Constitutional questions in your neck of the woods.”

Plus, if you think she’s cute now, remember she’s Catholic so she’s got, like, a hundredy-twelve children. Imagine how insanely hot she was before she started with all that nonsense.

Now I know, there are some people who might say that nominating a woman to the Supreme Court just because she’s a premium piece of eye candy is shallow or sexist or disrespectful or something.

Let me be frank. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Are you even speaking English? Because to me it’s like your mouth is open but all that’s coming out is this high-pitched buzzing noise, like Donald Sutherland at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

I simply support Amy Coney Barrett over the other potential justices because she’s more intelligent, more insightful, more learned and obviously a cinch to win the swimsuit competition.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: With Ginsburg Gone, Democrats Say They Must Destroy The Country In Order To Save It

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